Seven Days

April 21st, 2012

My wife passed away on a Thursday and I buried her seven days later.

Those seven days and beyond seem like a blur so far. My head pounds when I think of it. I know I should have more control of my emotions and my physical well being. If I wasn't grieving for my boys at the same time I think I could.

My children make me weak and strong at the same time. I did consider myself a sound man who is good under pressure and immense stress. I am pretty strong at 6 foot 2 inches and 220 pounds, however over coming this is a challenge is something I was not prepared for. I don't think many people are when faced with impossible situations. Especially when you lose your spouse.

I stand here despondent. People came and went after those seven days.

Her family flew in in between those seven days and left after the funeral. On exactly the seventh day. I allowed them to go through her possessions. I do not think they know how hard that was for me. Even though they are her siblings. To see them going through her personal things cut me like a knife. But I wanted them to feel comfortable. I know they are grieving too.

I feel like a tornado ripped through my world in those seven days. The closest people to me abandoned my family in my time of need. Making me feel like all those hopeless familes in New Orleans after hurricane Katrina.

The emotions of her loss is something I can not control, as the memory of what we lost as a family wells up deep from in my soul.

I have been forced to go at this alone. There was no rallying call to my aid. No one called to circle the wagons and surround us with love and support to show us they cared. People have either chosen not to acknowledge Mimie's loss or what it meant to me. Or they have chosen to ignore us and assume I'd get it together eventually because I'm "a strong guy."

Personally, I think they can't bring themselves to face the ugly truth that I am in a terrible situation and people feel grateful that they themselves are not in my shoes.

Well, I'm not brave or "a strong guy" for facing the loss of my wife and mother of my children alone. I was forced into my situation.

People offer help but I don't even know what kind of help I need let alone how to ask for it. It's the blind leading the blind, in our search for help and resources with either side not knowing where to turn. Since the very day Mimie died I have been struggling. I have not had a break. When the breaks do come, I'm on a time limit and I don't know where or how to use my it wisely, because I don't know how to relax.

I went to my sisters house the other day and asked her to watch the boys so I can run to Walmart to shop. It's a far drive to my sisters house just go shopping, but I am desperate. I don't know what I needed from there. It's probably just a mental break.Shopping for a moment give me a break from everything else.

I parked  my van in a parking spot at the Walmart, I leaned the drivers car seat back for a moment so I can breath in peace and experience the quite. I fell asleep for a couple of hours. My body's was so tired. It's suffering from malnutrition. A combination of unhealthy eating and no sleep.

 I feel alone in this.

I know it's a two way street of meeting people half way but I feel some resentment. The way people left me made me feel that Mimie had no impact on their life. Or that I had failed to make an impact on theirs.

From day one, I feel I was left to fend for myself. I do understand how life works. I do know if you want something you have to do it yourself, but isn't there a such thing as extenuating circumstances? I am paralyzed. My emotions are all over the place and have yet been afforded the opportunity to clear my mind by myself without kids or distractions.

Does my family think at this emotional time I want to leave my kids who are experiencing their own emotional state with complete strangers?

My wife mattered no matter what problems proceeded us.

All couples have relationships that go up and down. She was my best friend. The mother of my kids. She is someone I talked to everyday for almost fourteen years until the day she died no matter what was going on in our lives.

We hung in there for each other and I offered everything to her. She never had a want. She could go where she pleased and buy what her heart desired. She loved her children beyond a love that I can only hope to understand in time as slowly become their mom and dad.

She was a stay at home mother. A hard worker and these boys are doing so well because of her motherly love and affection.

This is something that I can not sweep under the carpet after seven days. Not when my boys ask for mama everyday since those seven days have come and gone. Not when I have no rock for my kids or emotional support for myself, after those seven days.

No, Mimie made more of an impact on my life and the lives of our children's, greater then seven days.

Why am I the only one that can see beyond the number seven? It is not my lucky number.

I can only hope that in time others will see beyond the numeral 7 as well. Is that possible?


https://twitter.com/FusaCmee

Christopher Fusaro. The author of Captain Imperfecto.

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