June 25, 2019
I have never thought a woman could love me as deeply as I have loved a woman. But that's how deeply my woman loves me.
But how could this be? I'm told I'm a good man. Good heart. I am a great father who adores his kids and a man who is an excellent provider to his family. But why do I feel perplexed?
Whether I'm driving in my car, stopped at a red light, or simply on a long walk. I'll take a moment and reflect on my situation. I tend to overanalyze why I can be so tricky when showered with attention from my love. Or when she affectionately cuddles up to me, I think, at times, I'm not worthy of her love.
She should be present more often to see this smile when I think of her. How happy she would be to be included in my vulnerable moments. And it seems, no matter how often I tell myself, I still don't heed my advice to allow her to penetrate my emotions.
Writing about her love will free me from the uneasiness of being loved unconditionally because the last thing her emotions give me is discomfort.
Since the birth of son number 3, I get asked, "Are you going to try for the girl?" Most of my responses have been, "Let's get this one out first," while pointing to her belly. Or say, "We just had this one!" While holding our newest son. But due to the love bestowed upon me by her, I would gladly try for the girl. I don't see having another child as a reward for her loyalty towards me but rather a gift we both can share, as I know that others would love to have a child of their own. And we are exceptional in producing another gift of life by having another baby.
Our love goes deeper than simply having kids. The roots dig inside our souls as we blossom over the years. And I know that things won't be perfect every day. Although, I would stop being pessimistic about the good times, truly enjoy my position in this life, and assume that those days will be as perfect as the last. But the negative side of life seems to infiltrate my thinking, and I can't help but feel the dread of something terrible happening to thwart my happiness. I get more love than I reciprocate. I think negativity is the root of my problem. What grows more is the cynical side rather than an everlasting and blossoming love. Nah, I don't believe that. Life has offered me more, and it is time to seize on it and be genuinely grateful for the gift of life and the ability to give life back.
The children are just cherries on the sundae to this healthy and happy relationship. The negativity I produce within my thinking should be cast aside before it grows roots. And the love she and I share is strong enough to withstand any rooted negativity that has intertwined with us. I truly believe this because I believe in her, and believing in her, well, trumps everything else. And I'm worthy of her love.
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