Left to right: Christopher and Nico clowning around
November 20th, 2013
I was on my knees in my wife’s closest staring at the mess
that was laid before me. Clothes upon clothes were hanging on different varieties
of hangers. I had to laugh to myself when I thought how this space is the
United Nations of hangers.
I was finally cleaning out Mimie’s closet after more than a
year since her death. I found comfort with her clothes being stored in our
bedroom while I was trying to accept the fact that she was gone, forever. Maybe
the clothes in the closet gave me some hope that all this despair was a
dream. Well, I have accepted that fact I
have to clean the closest. I still don’t think I’ve embraced the fact that she
is gone.
Even though no one has opened the closet door and gone
inside for some time the stale air didn’t taint her clothing. All the contents
inside the room still smelled like her essence. With every breath of oxygen I
inhaled from inside this darken cave smelled fresh and it was cool. The smells
danced off my senses and sent my thoughts into a free thinking frenzy. She was
there inside with me.
The chilled air tickled my senses and brought me to life. The
faint perfume she use to apply over her clothing and skin still lingering about
the neatly folded sweaters and tops as if she were sitting there beside me.
There are so many memories hanging around me.
There’s her plush pink track suite the one she were on our
plane flights. It was fashionable and warm and very comfortable for our long
flights to visit family in Colorado. She would wear it home from the hospital
after giving birth to our oldest son Nico. I push the material up to my face.
The cool cotton indents into my face. I close my eyes and envision the last
time I saw her in it.
I reach up and grab a sweater down from the rack. I smile.
It’s the one she wore around house in order to keep herself warm. I am hot
blooded and it can never be cold enough for me. I love to keep the air
conditioner at 70 degrees (21.1 Celsius). She hated it but understood my
discomfort. She told me it was easier to warm up than cool down. I laughed
because I use to tell her that she had no business growing up in Colorado since
she had almost no tolerance for cold.
Resting in the corner I notice a nice see-though top. It was
flowery. She wore some yellow top under it. I recognized it right away because
it was the last thing she wore with me that was captured in a photograph. It
was our wedding anniversary. We went to the Grand Lux to eat. The meal was
great. We shared some drinks and enjoyed the night off from being full-time
parents. After we ate we went and saw Rise of the Planets of the Apes. Who
would have thought she’d be gone 6 months later.
The memories flood into my mind and it causes me to cry. The
tears flow as if I was going through her death all over again the day she died.
I’m thankful I wasn’t alone on this journey. I had someone there to help me
pull myself through this ordeal. But I knew this was a task that I had to do
alone. So in the middle of my crying and her comforting me I would ask her to
leave so I could finish my journey as a man, a husband.
I sat there in the quiet closet. The soundless room was only
broken as I sniffled and swallowed my tears. I did a lot of deep breathing and
exhaling. I thumbed through her clothing
placing the garments in storage boxes. Some clothes set aside for donations
most for storage in an air-conditioned facility. There they will rest until her
family is able to go through some of her things.
I never thought I could do the business of cleaning out this
place but I knew I had to. I had claimed a new bedroom and decided that I would
make our old room our boys’ new room. How nice it will be for them to laugh and
play where their mom laid her head.
Just a few more articles of clothing that I have to pack
away, now. I have a lot of it stored in plastic bins. I can hear the echo of my
voice off the bare walls of the closest. It’s almost empty now. Soon everything
will be replaced. I suppose that’s how life goes. Emptying out the closet of old memories while
filling it again with new ones. It was time to free her soul. You can’t keep a life
living in the closest. I must set her free to unshackle my emotions so that I
can live free myself.
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