Saturday, October 12, 2013

Finding Myself

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Left to right: Christopher, Captain Imperfecto and Nico Fantasyland Magic Kingdon

October 12, 2013

I’m trying to gather myself together out of the pieces of me that have broken when my wife died. My rebuilding isn’t an easy process since the pieces of me are no longer shards but tiny mashed pieces that are entwined, with the loss of my twins. The crashing of these 2 worlds has created an even bigger mess of mass emotions that has brought my soul into torment. But I’m sorting it all out the best I can as I rebuild my life from those unspeakable losses of the past 6 years.

I didn’t know what it took to make myself happy after all those failed years because it seems as if I blocked out the pain and became numb to the heartache and heartbreak. Hell, did I ever know what it took to be happy in my lifetime? Have I walked through my life being a miserable human being all this time? I say no. I have always showed happiness on the exterior. I guess I was crying on the inside. What am I a fucking clown?

I’m searching my soul to find that one silver lining that will be my salvation. I deserve, as an individual, to follow that sliver of hope without worry of hurting those that may want a piece of me in the process on my journey of self-worth.

But how do I not look like a selfish bastard by ignoring those who also crave help and desire in their life? I suppose since I’m in pain, myself, it’s hard to fathom others misery, even though I know suffering is out there. But ones own suffering lends a blind eye and places the other eye squarely on my own sadness. Still, I do let reality in and I absorb the horror of other people’s lives through another one of my 5 senses. Sounds like I’m a good case for a head shrink to handle.

I wrote my blog when it made sense that I could possibly help others, including myself. I can’t take full credit because I’m no saint when it came to putting myself out there with this blog. Insightful people who thought my writing could help others cope; with there own losses in-life, pushed me to keep writing.

But aren’t you supposed to feel fuller inside by helping someone less fortunate then yourself in times of their heavy low? I cross that threshold of emotions every time I decide to place my own emotions out in the cyber world via www.captainimperfecto.com . It truly is a point of no return when I post a blog about my feelings. I tend not to go back and re-read it once it’s published. Those emotions can run deep and the urge to delete it can be strong. And even though I should feel fulfilled with knowledge others can satisfy their need for help by reading my blogs; I still feel empty inside.  

The blog still fulfills some needs I desire to self-help, but I want to feel I deserve pleasure in life beyond these words. I have not mastered that feeling of success, yet. I know I have earned fulfillment and gratitude that you are reading this. However, I deserve to happy. WE, deserve to be happy. I earned my Maslow’s hierarchy of needs.

I want to feel special with someone. This could be my next step with helping myself. It’s not easy to write that here in an open forum because I’m still reeling from the open wounds from the loss of my wife. I think the reality of the situation is that this person is leading me to happiness because she is one person that is making me smile. But my heart is weak.

I need to heal my wounded heart. I need my heart to fill with confidence. The healing process should allow myself to let my guard down. But I need time rather than to hurry up. I know myself; I have to completely close the gap before I destroy what little joy that has entered in my life.

I’m having a hard time finding me. Maybe, I should let her help guide me. She has amazing joy and an incredible demeanor. If I close my eyes and just let go of my lifeline and follow her lead, I could maybe, just maybe, begin finding me.

Published on October 12th, 2013

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