Monday, December 31, 2012

Love and Meaning in 2013

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Left to right: Nico and Christopher celebrating Christmas at a Disney World Resort


December 31st, 2012 / January 01, 2013 Happy New Year


"Let them have cake!" Okay Marie Antoinette, the Queen of France, I am not.  But for some reason I am thinking about that statement while enjoying this strawberry fruit covered cheesecake. It is written that she would use that line when she was informed that the,"peasants have no bread."  

I'm sitting on a chair in my Walt Disney World Resort hotel room, staring at the 4 foot Christmas tree that I bought specifically for our Christmas week stay here. The lights are vibrant, thanks to the creation of LED. The golf ball size glass ornaments are glimmering from the twinkling lights of the tree that cast a spectrum of color off the four walls of my room.  

My body is so sore from a busy 2 days of preparations for this trip that included working, and activity with my sons, Nico and Christopher. 

Damn I'm getting old- I think to myself.

My neck is stiff, so stiff in fact, that I can't even turn it 180 degrees to see my boys who are asleep in their beds directly behind me. But due to their heavy breathing I know that they're sleeping soundly.

With each bite of my cheesecake I sink deeper into my thought process and into the cushion of my comfortable red velvet chair. Am I a fool? Am I trying to fill the loss of Mimie with Mickey Mouse? Wait, that may be a forum for my shrink, not here in my blog. 

The smooth cream cheese flavor tantalizes my thoughts and my conscience reminds me how desperately I want to make this holiday a special occasion for my children. I knew the void they have with the loss of their mom could widen without her here with us on this special holiday, so I hope that the joy that this place seems to have will rub off on us, so that this week can truly be a Merry Christmas.

The one thing I have noticed since Mimie's death in March, is that time moves fast, whether you participate in life, or not. It just seems that time doubles in speed when you block out the months in your mind that your memory wants you to forget, because the thought of death makes you sick to your stomach.

I find that it's easier to think about the present then to worry about a future without your loved one in your life, because you can handle the day by day events better then future events. And the thought of the future without them, my friends, can overwhelm you. 

So in desperation, I try to fill those days with anything that allows me to move on to the next day, more easily. Assuming though, that things will just get better on it's own in the near future. That's what people say anyhow, things will get better with time.

I write this now in front of this Christmas tree. The heat from the air conditioner is lightly blowing on my face bringing warmth to my body. I close my eyes searching for peace within me, and I realize that I'm shaking my head. I am shaking my head because I'm still in disbelief that I am doing this alone. When will time heal? It doesn't matter how much cheesecake I shove down my throat tonight, this comfort food won't fill my own voids. It doesn't matter that I have written over 150,000 words on this blog. Those words can not replace the pieces that were cut out during the year of 2012. Things just do not get better magically because when I stare at my boys I see how tragic the loss of their mom truly is. And that emotional pain still hurts and at this moment the thought of time healing isn't convincing.

Mimie and I had a lot of stress towards the end of her life. There was a lot of turmoil that was still boiling from the loss of our twin girls Sophia and Gabriella. There are regrets on both sides of the table and yet I feel like I'm the one left standing after the music has stopped. Not that I want sympathy, but selfishly, I wanted the opportunity to make things right with us. To recognize and accept the loss of our girls, together. To exorcise my own demons and heal us, so that we could become a closer family by filling OUR voids with l-o-v-e.

Now that sounds good in a fairy tale world, but in reality, it's hard to focus and right life back on the tracks and move forward, towards the future, when nothing has been resolved from the past. Especially when death leaves you feeling empty.

You never get over the loss of a child or a loved one. Whether its in the early stages of a babies life, such as conception, your child as an adult, a loved one dying of disease, a horrific incident or just natural causes, you are never ready for death and once you are faced with it, you never fully overcome it.

And now I'm facing a new year, all alone, and terrified of any loss that lies there, within a new year. The stretch of good times that may come my way in the future seems fragile, like a cease fire that is on the brink of war as if I were on the Demilitarized Zone. And the sad fact is, I will never be comfortable, because I will always be afraid that the happiness  will come to an end when the cloak of death smothers my joy. Where is there happiness with worry like that?

From 2006 through 2012, I have evolved and yet, I do not know where this evolution is taking me, heading into 2013. I always envisioned the start of the new year like how one would see a calendar. It's the twelve pages filled with 52 weeks that you flip from one month to the next. Season to season, events to events, holidays to holidays and any other day as you search for the day that brings meaning to your heart.

But in life, all good things do come to an end, like the last remaining bite of this cheesecake. Cheesecake, that made me think about where I am and where I'm going. I guess Cheesecake is my Tree of Life tonight. As my calender begins to start anewI hope to find the day that is hidden somewhere in those pages of 2013 that will bring my heart meaning again.







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The Adventures of Captain Imperfecto/Born Again by Christopher P. Fusaro is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike 3.0 Unported License.

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