Wednesday, March 12, 2014

Pressing Reset

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Left to right: Nico, Captain Imperfecto and Christopher in a January 2014 photo shoot


March 12, 2014


How do humans preserver? I’m at a point in my life where I’m wondering, “how did I get to this point.” Where’s my reset button?

The past two years have gone so fast but yet things still seem the same. I’ve began to move forward putting my kids ahead of my needs but sometimes it’s as if I’m trying to catch up to them. My world is in an ever state of slow motion.

My boys are so resilient. The void of their mom is still there. I can’t fill it. And at times they humble me or make me cry when they ask for “mama” or see a woman who resembles their mom and say “mama.” I try to take solace when I find that distressing to me and be grateful, that at four and six years old, they still remember their mom.

One of the things that I found out through the past two years is that if you don’t move or try to get over your loss people become annoyed with you. They don’t want to be sad nor do they want to be reminded of the sadness that they had to deal with. Even if their sadness only lasted for a viewing and a burial service.

Funny how people get tired of hearing your sadness but yet continue to go to places that were scenes of heinous crimes. There was a spot in a field behind a popular shopping center were a brutal rape occurred. Me and another officer caught the man in the act and made an arrest. My wife and I would drive by that place and almost every time she’d tell me, “I’ll never forget what you told me that a rape occurred there. And look at those people still parking and shopping there.”

Things can’t be forgotten that quickly but we wish we could reset our mind.

I would like to not remember the bad times and just take the good. I suppose life is a learning process so it’s imperative that we learn from all of our lessons throughout a lifetime. That’s how we become better people.

But what if you feel in your heart you have always been a good person. I guess when bad things happen to good people you just blame God for your troubles. Who else can you point your finger at? How many times can I look in the mirror, stare back at myself and say out loud, “you’re an ass.”

Talk about self reflecting and encompassing your life on one incident.

But is it fair to blame yourself for everything? It’s easy to do when it seems like I can’t get a damn break. I want something good to happen. I don’t want to be grateful for only what I have. I want to be happy for an unsuspecting gift or phone call telling me “good things are about to happen for you.”

The letter or voice on the other end saying, “you did your time so far in life. We’ve given you everything you can handle. Now its your turn to sit back and he happy.”

Where the hell is that magic happy pill? And I don’t mean Lexapro.

If I reset my memory it won’t change the fact that my wife is gone. That she and I lost twin daughters.  And that my life hasn’t been easy. The reset button only causes me to forget that I was married to a wonderful person. That she gave me great kids. We were married and I was once a husband and a best friend. I can’t reset my past. I have to take the good and the bad. There will be no reset today.
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