Thursday, December 10, 2015

Pressing Snooze

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Nico (left) and Christopher at a Christmas Ice show in Orlando, T'was the Night Before Christmas 


December 10, 2015

Without looking over my shoulder I reached out my arm and with the very tips of my fingers I pressed the snooze bar on my alarm clock. I never once open my eyes, I don’t need to know the time. It’s 6 A.M. I know the dreaded time has arrived when I have to place my weary feet on the floor and start my day.

I’m enjoying what little rest the snooze function will afford me. The countdown has begun though, from when I hit the button and the five-minute buffer before that annoying, “beep, beep, beep,” noise begins to pierce my ears. I long to keep my eyes tightly shut and fall back to sleep while I continue to do my best to forget that I have to start my day. Someone has to pay the bills until I’m rich or win the lottery.

“Man,” I think, “there has got to be like three minutes left of rest here in my bed,” I said to myself. “Dream Chris dream, dream of something good with your fleeting minutes.”

But I can’t dream, I can’t rest, the anxiety is building. There has to be two minutes left on my snooze button reset. This anticipation is grueling. I open my eyes and stare at the wall. Slowly the low light of the alarm clock reflects back at me, and yet, I don’t look back at the time. I am determined to rest. Sleep like a bump on a log, what the hell does that even mean, for at least the one minute and half that I have left, okay maybe one minute and ten seconds.

I know, I could hit snooze again my situation isn’t absolute. But if I continue to stall I may have to sacrifice some things, like coffee, I can’t do that. Maybe I can forgo brushing my teeth by eating a piece of gum as a substitute. Wait do I have gum? Forget it, no I won’t brush my teeth if it means I can snooze, again. No matter how disgusting that may be. But why not brush my teeth when I go pee? I have to pee; it’s a daily morning ritual. Unless, that is I could pee outside by my car on the way out the door for work. What about brushing my hair? What about it, Chris, you’re bald. True, okay then, where else can I cut corners to extend my snooze?

Too late, I can’t figure out where to cut any corners I will just have to force myself up when that alarm goes off in 25 seconds. At least I think it’s 25 seconds, more like 20 now, going on 15 counting down to 10, 9, 8 ,7 ,6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1….Wait, no alarm? Hmm I must have my time off, the alarm should be going off….

<beep, beep, beep, beep>

There it is! I just want to go to sleep forget it, stop torturing yourself, Chris, just snooze again! But no! I won’t I’ll just get my butt up and be grateful that I can start a new day.

I sit up from my bed. The room is so cold, but baby my sheets are warm. I just got to ignore the calling of my bed. Forget that pillow I don’t want it! I don’t need sleep, I’m a beast, I’m an animal, I can get up and do this by taking on my day and head to work like a champ!


Wait, I just realized, I’m off today.


Captain Imperfecto needs a selfie stick


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