Tuesday, June 25, 2019

Worthy of Her Love

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The family enjoying a lazy Saturday morning in bed. May 25, 2019

June 25, 2019

I have never thought a woman could love me as deeply as I have loved a woman. But that’s how deeply my woman loves me.

But how could this be? I’m told I’m a good man. Good heart. And that I am a great father who adores his kids, and a man who is a wonderful provider to his family. But why do I feel perplexed?

Whether I’m driving in my car, stopped at a red light, or simply on a long walk. I’ll take a moment and reflect about my situation. I tend to over analyze why I can be so difficult when I’m showered with attention from my love. Or when she affectionately cuddles up to me, I think at times, I’m not worthy of her love.

She should be present more often to see this smile when I think of her. How happy she would be to be included in my vulnerable moments. And it seems, no matter how many times I tell myself, I still don’t heed my own advice, to just allow her to penetrate my emotions.

I hope that writing about her love will free myself from the uneasiness of being loved unconditionally, because the last thing her emotions give me is discomfort.

Since the birth of son number 3, I get asked, “Are you going to try for the girl?” And most of my responses have been, “let’s get this one out first,” while pointing to her belly. Or say, “We just had this one!” While holding our newest son. But due to the love bestowed upon me, by her, I would gladly try for the girl. I don’t see having another child as a reward for her loyalty towards me, but rather a gift we both can share, as I know that others would love to have a child of their own. And we are truly special to be able to produce another gift of life by having another baby.

Our love goes deeper than simply having kids. The roots dig inside our soul as we blossomed over the years. And I know that things won’t be perfect all day, everyday. Although, I wish I would stop being pessimistic about the good times and truly enjoy my position in this life and just assume that those days will be as perfect as the last. But the negative side of life seems to infiltrate my thinking, and I can’t help but feel the dread of something bad happening to thwart my happiness. I get more love then I reciprocate. Maybe negativity is truly the root of my problem. And what really grows more is the cynical side rather than an ever lasting and blossoming love. Nah, I don’t believe that. Life has offered me more and it is time to seize on it, to be truly grateful with the gift of life and the ability to give life back.

The children are just cherries on the sundae to this relationship that is healthy and happy. The negativity I produce within my own thinking should be casted aside before it grows roots. And I believe the love her and I share is strong enough to withstand any rooted negativity that has intertwined with us. I truly believe this, because I believe in her and with believing in her, well, trumps everything else. And I'm worthy of her love.

Captain Imperfecto being himself.  June 25, 2019.

© copyright 2019 Captain Imperfecto, LLC. All rights reserved.  


Sunday, April 28, 2019

Tiny Packages

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Christopher, Blake and Nico, April 13, 2019 photo shoot.

April 28, 2019

I’m a dad, again. My 2 other boys were born 10 years ago so I don’t recall if I’m doing fatherhood differently in these early stages of my newest sons young life. These tiny packages are so fragile.

The thought of Nico and Christopher being the size of Blake, amazes me. Both those boys are in the full swing of youth. Their legs are getting longer. Feet are bigger. Arms are stretching. And they throw each other around as if they are constantly on some kind of trampoline. But this new tiny package can fit in a shoe box. His hands are dwarfed by the size of my hands. My fingers clumsily play with his fingers. His feet disappear in my palms. His heart is housed in that tiny chest. And every time it beats I fall in love over and over again.

I’m 6 foot 3 inches tall. I imagine him reaching beyond my height. Having a size that will move the air with his long gait. But this isn’t a necessity or a wish list for size and strength. I’m simply saying that I want him to be better than me in size, health, strength, ability and any definition of a man currently.

I’m not isolating masculinity as a sole trait as a measurement to their manhood or containing their personality to these specific characteristics of what I feel the definition of a man should be.  Simply put, all parents want their kids to be better than themselves, period.  Whatever these 3 young boys become I want them to have grace and humility.

Being humans, Blake, Nico and Christopher are going to be fallible and will question everything I present to them.  And as their dad, I will guide them through their questions about how things are, what problems can be solved and what makes life the way it is with honesty, and utilizing a philosophical approach.  Society will dictate what we deem as social norms and expect everyone to conform to those ideals.  I won’t facilitate what society deems correct by pigeonholing them to one ideology.

These tiny packages are going to grow and be the future as I, and this current generation, recede from our spot and replaced by younger bodies, better ideas, and larger dreams.

And as my tiny packages evolves from baby, toddler, kid, teenager and manhood.  My hope is that I cultivated the three into well-rounded, ready for the world, focused human beings. My job is to massage that brain of theirs into thinking that they’re confident, strong, brave, good looking, having a good heart, confident, good listeners, the best, number 1, and winners.  At least that’s what I hope to unwrap from these tiny packages.

Captain Imperfecto enjoying some Cuban rum and cigar. 

© copyright 2019 Captain Imperfecto, LLC. All rights reserved.  


Friday, March 1, 2019

Jack's Shadow, redux

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Christopher with Nico on Nico's 11 birthday! February 28, 2019

Can be intense.  A long read.

I wrote this a few years back however, now it is updated and revamped into a new story.  There is 2 other parts but I will see the response from this one before I release the others 
- cpf
March 1, 2019
The sterile hallway reaches end-to-end what must be 200 feet. Every 8 feet there's an iron door. Each door is fortified to hold back a hideous, sick minded or evil person. The facility isn't something you can Google, and other then the locals who are hired to run the place, not many people realize the heinous and brutal death that has occurred by some of those locked in those rooms outside this town of 5,000 souls.
"This door," she said pointing over her left shoulder,"is where we keep Jack." A woman said to a group huddled in the hallway just outside the door of the evil that dwelled within that 5 x 8 room.
Dana is a tall and skinny woman. She is wearing a plain blue polo shirt and khaki slacks. Her tour seemed as simple as a museum guide but the people who are with her today are not tourists. They are some the brightest scientists, military personnel, doctors and F.B.I. profilers of homicidal people.
"Jack lives in the dark. We can never get him out of this room on his own without us forcefully tearing him out. There is never any light on inside the room. In fact, any sight of light, even from these florescent ones above and even the glow of green emanating from the inside of our night vision goggles can create a world of chaos. For some reason light will cause him great pain and terrible anger to the point where he will lash out and kill anyone. We have to turn every light off and pump in sleeping gas in order to subdue him. Later we will place him in a lighted cage and show you what happens when he is unleashed."
The group walks down the hall, out the west door and into a specially made auditorium that was made for Jack. The 24 or so people sat down on the chairs that were lined up in rows. The rows faced a large window. The window was 8 inches thick. It was made to be unbreakable.
The room behind the glass was 16 x 16. Fully vaulted ceilings towered high above the audience and disappeared into the thick concrete ceiling. It was fortified to protect the people outside of those walls and the public at large. There was one door that gave access to the room.
The door was fortified metal. Stronger then any hatch you'd find on a battleship. The room was made to be a torture booth for only one person, Jack. The only other thing going inside would be a farm pig.
"Once you all have settled in. I will summon for, Jack. Please, do not move from where you are. Any movement may allow Jack to get a sense of where you are. You will be tempted to move but I can't stress to you enough that as far as we know Jack can not see you nor, can he hear you. You are safe with us. There are speakers in here that will allow you to hear what is going on in that room. There is a yellow line, DO NOT MOVE and don't dare cross it. We can control the light but passed the yellow line we can not. There are safe guards in place."
"The doors are locked once we are in to avoid other light from coming in. We will unlock them automatically once our demonstration is over.
We have a sleep aid in the room that we can pump in and subdue him if things get of control.
Minimal movement is encouraged. Jack seems to be able to sense where people are. It has gotten stronger over the years due to his complete dark captivity.
Avoid crossing the yellow line. The line is what we can't control and move it as he gets stronger."
The group looked around at each other and the tension inside the room began to tighten like a vice. No one was going to move. They wanted to stay to watch exactly what was going to happen.
"For the purposes of this demonstration I will ask all over to look under your seats. There you will find night vision goggles. Please place them on. We will now shut off the lights. You can view everything in the pitch black dark but, when the lights go back on, you can remove them. The lights will only be on inside the room. We will still be in the darkness."
The guest fumbled around with their night vision goggles. The more experienced law enforcement officer's and military officials helped the less experienced civilians place their night vision goggles on. Everyone was tense but the excitement in the air could be felt due to the fact that they had no idea what was going to happen. They were all ecstatic about what kind of weapon Jack could be used as to advance their causes.
"Lock it down!" Dana shouted.
Two exit doors to the rear made clanking sounds. The people inside were locked. The overhead lights in the auditorium shut off. The room was so dark a person had no sense of direction which caused some people to gasp loudly.
"People, sit down, please. You're all professionals. Act like it. You're ruining my presentation!"
The V.I.P.'s fumbled around their seats and a silence fell over the room.
"Okay bring in, Jack," Dana announced, " and don't forget to release the pig once Jack's inside."
The group talked to one and other and their talking dissipated into silence once the loud clanks of the heavy door began to sound. That sound announced the doors were being unlocked.
One by one-heavy booms could be heard as each of the 8 locks was slid to the side, which would free the heavy 2-ton door. A creaking sound resonated as the heavy door swung open. BANG!
The door slammed against the wall. The guests could see through their night goggles the body heat of the men and women preparing to wheel Jack in.
"No, no," Jack yelled, his voice broadcasted over the high def speakers inside the gallery. "Don't do this any longer. Stop. Just kill me. Kill me please," he implored from is totally sealed cage.
Two men pushed Jacks mobile enclosed cage into the room. Some of the guests witnessing what was happening removed their glasses. They were terrified from the sounds from Jack. He want from whaling to moaning, to screams of angst at his captors. The experiment had not begun yet.
The workers pushed the box against the far side of the room where they placed it flushed against the wall into a pre-made mold. Clanking noises were echoing as they locked the box in place. Steel rods sealed the box tightly flush onto the wall.
"Stop!" Jack screamed. "Kill me now," but Jack's pleas fell on deaf ears while the men and women did their jobs in robotic fashion. They had no sympathy or empathy for the hours of torture Jack has gone through over the past year.
After the box was locked into place the 3 men and 2 women walked back to the door of the room. The last 2 men reached back and grabbed to handles that were mounted on the door. With all their might they pulled the door shut. BOOM.
One by one the locks were placed on the door until the 3rd lock. That is when all activity ceased. Muffled talking could be heard. A small argument ensued. There was a silence. The guest in the room didn't know what was happening and looked around at each other with wonderment. There must have been a major problem. Was Jack in trouble? What did they forget?
The silence was broken when the locks could be heard by all being undone rapidly. BOOM. BOOM. BOOM. The locks slid. The door slowly opened. Then without warning, a medium sized pig was pushed through the slightly opened door. The pig squealed and ran into the room. The door closed quickly and the securing of the locks commenced, again.
"Ladies and gentlemen," Dana began, "we have not been able to account for what you are about to see. We do not do this event often anymore because Jack seems to be getting stronger with every new experiment. In order for more funding so that we can study Jack we decided to invite you all here today to show you what your money investment would be doing. Jack could be the ultimate weapon. A breeding specimen with power no one has ever seen. The money will either tame him and make him useful as a weapon.  Or, we will prove that his existence is not confirmation of life after death but we will affirm that there is pure evil here on earth. And by God I will incinerate the damn thing myself."
The people in the audience gasped. What was Jack going to do? The anticipation was cruel in itself.
"Glasses off," Dana said, " turn on the lights!  Release, Jack." Dana commanded in almost a composer like gesture as she thrusted her hands in the air.
Jacks cage shook and rattled but its grip to the wall was too great. The shaking caused the first row of people to jump. The lady on the left of the front row, closest to where Jack was,  watched closely as she saw little bars being slid out of Jack's cage and disappearing into the remolded wall until the door was free.
"I can't do this again," Jack pleaded, " you don't care what your doing to me. All of you will DIE!"
The light popped on just outside of Jack's holding cage.  His audience finally had a view of the big room. The large 16 x 16 cubed, clear, cage looked like a clear Rubik's Cube. The glass was so thick it could withstand a .50 caliber round. The pig was moving around the room oblivious to what it was left alone with. The people in the audience squinted as their eyes acclimated to the bright light that was shining through the thick glass.
Jack's cage is small, a 6 x6 cage, which was now slightly opened. The pig roamed around the rest of the room sniffing its surroundings. Occasionally it would find a carrot or other vegetable that was left on the floor for him to feed on. Once in a while the pig would be spooked by Jack's whining and screaming.
"I-I- can't-t, I-I won't," Jack stammered. His door would slightly wave back and forth. None of the light in the room could penetrate the darkness of the black hole where Jack was hiding.
One Army Major General who was sitting in the audience placed on his nighttime goggles again and leaned towards the glass in hope that he would see a glimpse of Jack who seemed to be hiding from the light. The night vision glasses captured Jacks bare back. He was completely naked and breathing heavily. His hair was uncut. The length of his hair covered most of his upper back.
Jack's breathing continued at a rapid pace.
"Easy, easy," the Major General whispered.
Jack's body movement slowed to a calm breathing form. Without warning Jack reared his head over his shoulder as if he could see the General. The night vision glasses caused a slight glowing to Jack's eyes. His facial hair hid the pigmentation of his face. The colonel was startled so he ripped off his goggles.
Dana ran to his side and placed her hands on both side of his shoulders and lurched him back further. "Major General James, sir, you must stay out of the light. You cannot cast a shadow. You should not be seen. Stay behind the yellow line."
"Um, well, right," is the only 3 words the Major General could muster.
The pig was no longer strolling around the room searching to eat carrot sticks. He began to pick up his pace and did hid best to avoid confrontation. The guest couldn't understand from whom though? The only other person was Jack. And he has yet to emerge out of his box.
The pig kicked up its hind legs and leapt forward. All four feet landed on the ground. He quietly walked towards the corner of the room. As he neared the far wall, away from Jack's cage he squealed loudly. The pigs hind legs were twisted and the body of the pig was thrown to the ground. The pig quickly got back to its feet and ran towards the window crashing its body into the glass. It let out a loud wail. The pig tried to run but he couldn't gain any traction to move forward. The pig as brought back down to the ground by its tail and then pulled the length of the room. A dark pig shadow casts upon the glass. The lights in the ceiling were turning off and on at different angles to capture the silhouette of the pig. The pig continued to squeal but it couldn't get away. T he shadow pulled him in different directions until the animal was swallowed into the opening of Jack's cage. The shadow of the pig lingered largely on the glass but there was no pig insight.
The shadow head of the pig leaned back and loud deafening squeals were made while the damage was being done inside Jack's cage.
The audience gasped in unison. Some people tried to run out of the room but others stayed by their seats to watch the finality of the horror they were watching.
"Please, stay in your seats!" Dana yelled.
A woman in the second row fumbled her hands under her seat in her attempt to find the night vision glasses to see if she could find Jack.
She quickly grabbed them but due to her fear her hands shook uncontrollably while she adjusted the goggles over her eyes. The light in the enclosed room was still on but she focused in the deep dark crevasse of Jack's box to try and locate the pig. Not a peep was made from anyone else. The people in the room fell silent. The woman in the second row got up from her seat and walked towards the glass. She wanted to face Jack's cage face on to see inside his layer.
The pig squealed over and over and the shadow of the pig danced along the 16 foot pane of clear polycarbonate.
She slowly walked down her row using her hands to feel the back of the chairs in the first row so she could guide her way without losing sight of the cage. When she cleared the chairs she walked towards the window and beyond the yellow line
"Ma'am you need to sit down, don't cross that line. The room light will cast your shadow!" Dana announced.
The lady from the second row ignored Dana and got closer to the glass. Her goggles illuminated the dark corners of Jack's cage in bright greens. She continued to walk forward until the edge of the goggles hit the thick glass. She was startled and tilt her head back then forced her head forward again.
Without warning from Jack the pig squealed again and the head of the pig came forcefully out of Jack's cage. It smashed against the glass directly at the woman from the second row. It was as if the head was in 3D motion but the thick glass acted as barrier of protection. She screamed loudly and immediately removed her goggles. Bright red blood cascaded over the glass. The head of the pig was the only thing left. The perfectly preserved head was resting on the ground behind the glass before the lady in the second rows feet. She was frozen in fear. More shadows of the pig was cast on the walls and windows. There were big scary shadows and they made loud pig squeals that echoed throughout the room.
"Get away from the glass," Dana Shouted! "Get away from the shadows."
The woman from the second row turned to run but the light above captured her shadow, which caused her shadow to come alive. The woman's shadow grabbed her hair and pulled her back into the lighted area.
"Turn off the lights! Turn off the lights! Hit the damn sleeping glass" Dana shouted.
Dana ran to the woman but she would not proceed past the yellow line. She reached out her hand and grabbed the woman's wrists to forcefully yank her towards her and out of Jack's grasp.  Her screams echoed above all the other people who were trying to leave in a panic. Jack's body may have been locked in the clear cage but his shadow was able to pull her back by her hair. The yank was so powerful that it snapped the lady from the second rows neck. He then casted her dead body aside. He wanted Dana.
Dana fell backward onto the first row.
"Turn off the lights please," Dana pleaded.
The lights remained on but the fumbling crew was able to turn on the sleeping gas inside Jack's enclosure.
Jack morphed out of his cage and took over the shadow of the Army Major General who had side stepped the lady from the second rows body but crossed over the yellow line. Jack's body came out of his cage and entered the shadow of the Army General. The smoke filled his contained chamber. With all the money they spend on the design on the room they never thought of placing the gas in the main auditorium as a fail safe. However the rear doors unlocked allowing some the V.I.P.'s and staff to escape.
Jack couldn't see Dana but he knew exactly where she was. His shadow grew bigger, taller and used the Major General like a puppet. 
Dana stood up in a trance. She was in shock. Jack used his mind to pull her past the yellow line. Dana was slowly lifted from her feet until her body cast a perfect shadow just before the glass boarder. Jack stared at her. His physical presence disappeared from the cage. 
"I'm free," he whispered to Dana as he violently threw her into the thick glass window. He slowly applied pressure to her body. The compression squeezed her until her bones cracked and splintered outside her body. Her head popped like a melon and her brains splattered over the glass which killed her instantly after the painful and slow broken breakage. Jack stood there watching the people run. He saw a person by the EXIT door. Once he saw a person close enough for his escape. He used the shadow of the Major General to use his own hand and rip out his throat. He killed the Major General before leaping towards the shadow of the man by the door.
The dark secret was out. Jack's evil could come alive utilizing the shadows of people and animals as long as there was a light source that would cast a shadow. There was no turning back now for Dana and her greed to capitalize on Jack's ability of evil. Jack was on loose and he would shadow hop through his killing spree towards freedom. Dana was correct Jack was stronger now and he was loose to live in your shadow. Stay away from any light.

Captain Imperfecto taking a selfie. February 20, 2019.

© copyright 2019 Captain Imperfecto, LLC. All rights reserved.  


Thursday, February 28, 2019

Beinvenido Blake!

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Nico, Christopher and baby Blake in the hospital room.  February 11, 2019.

February 28, 2019

My new son was born a couple of weeks ago.  I wasn’t sure if I wanted kids, since I was already a father of 2 young boys, but the moment the newest addition to our family was born I felt proud to know how lucky to be able to welcome another child into this world. 

He was born a month early however, so that was a pretty big surprise.  That Saturday morning my wife woke me up and told me she thinks she peed the bed. 

“Ugh, it’s so early. 5:30 A.M.  to be exact.  Let’s just swap places or better yet I’ll go to the couch and we will worry about this in a few hours.”

My wife told me she was up and couldn’t fall back to sleep. 

When I got up 3 hours later she informed me that her water may have broke since she continued to leak like a faucet. 

We examined the bed sheets and looked for discoloration or any indication that she had an “accident.”  There was nothing there on the white bed sheets that appeared to be an “accident.”  It is if there was nothing wet at all. 

Naturally we ended up in the hospital where we were told that the baby was on its way.  And just like that, she was checked in, tagged, pricked with an IV bag and rolled into a labor and delivery room. 

“Excuse me,” I said to the nurse while standing outside my room just in front of the nurses station.

“Of course, I’m no doctor.  And I will come across as an overzealous, new dad.  And maybe I have had too much caffeine.  And honestly, you know most of my knowledge is from what I have seen in the movies.  And in the movies, when the contractions are reduced well, the baby has to be coming, right?  She’s went from 5 minute contractions to 2 minutes contractions.  That has to be something indicating birth?” 

After she told me she’d be in the room in about 2 minutes I walked back into the eye of the hurricane.  My wife was clutching the sides of the bed.  My sister was consoling her.  And I was standing helpless at the foot of the bed ready to catch whatever she was about to push out. 

The nurse walked in and gloved up her hand.  She laughed.  Snd gently felt to see where the baby was. 

“Holy crap! She’s 100% dilated.” 

She ran out.  While ripping the glove off her hand, tossed it in the trash and went out the door to go get the cavalry.   

About 10 seconds later the medical staff rushed like hordes in The Walking Dead ready to fest.  The phenominal doctor walked in cool, calm, and collected.  

“Push! Lina," the doctor said.  

“2nd time, push!”

“She’s pushing. She’s pushing,” I said. 

“Push. Come on.  He’s turning blue. “

“You heard her, push!” I yelled. 

And with that final push, baby Blake was born.  He was 4 lbs. But even know he was a klight weight, he weighed heavily on my heart.  It was a good day to welcome a new life into the world. 

Beinvendio, my new baby boy, Blake. 

PS: Happy birthday to son number 1, Nico! 

Daddy and baby Blake (4 lbs. 4 oz) at home. February 15, 2019.

© copyright 2019 Captain Imperfecto, LLC. All rights reserved.