The family enjoying a lazy Saturday morning in bed. May 25, 2019
June 25, 2019
I have never thought a woman could love me as deeply as I have loved a woman. But that’s how deeply my woman loves me.
But how could this be? I’m told I’m a good man. Good heart. And that I am a great father who adores his kids, and a man who is a wonderful provider to his family. But why do I feel perplexed?
Whether I’m driving in my car, stopped at a red light, or simply on a long walk. I’ll take a moment and reflect about my situation. I tend to over analyze why I can be so difficult when I’m showered with attention from my love. Or when she affectionately cuddles up to me, I think at times, I’m not worthy of her love.
She should be present more often to see this smile when I think of her. How happy she would be to be included in my vulnerable moments. And it seems, no matter how many times I tell myself, I still don’t heed my own advice, to just allow her to penetrate my emotions.
I hope that writing about her love will free myself from the uneasiness of being loved unconditionally, because the last thing her emotions give me is discomfort.
Since the birth of son number 3, I get asked, “Are you going to try for the girl?” And most of my responses have been, “let’s get this one out first,” while pointing to her belly. Or say, “We just had this one!” While holding our newest son. But due to the love bestowed upon me, by her, I would gladly try for the girl. I don’t see having another child as a reward for her loyalty towards me, but rather a gift we both can share, as I know that others would love to have a child of their own. And we are truly special to be able to produce another gift of life by having another baby.
Our love goes deeper than simply having kids. The roots dig inside our soul as we blossomed over the years. And I know that things won’t be perfect all day, everyday. Although, I wish I would stop being pessimistic about the good times and truly enjoy my position in this life and just assume that those days will be as perfect as the last. But the negative side of life seems to infiltrate my thinking, and I can’t help but feel the dread of something bad happening to thwart my happiness. I get more love then I reciprocate. Maybe negativity is truly the root of my problem. And what really grows more is the cynical side rather than an ever lasting and blossoming love. Nah, I don’t believe that. Life has offered me more and it is time to seize on it, to be truly grateful with the gift of life and the ability to give life back.
The children are just cherries on the sundae to this relationship that is healthy and happy. The negativity I produce within my own thinking should be casted aside before it grows roots. And I believe the love her and I share is strong enough to withstand any rooted negativity that has intertwined with us. I truly believe this, because I believe in her and with believing in her, well, trumps everything else. And I'm worthy of her love.
Captain Imperfecto being himself. June 25, 2019.
© copyright 2019 Captain Imperfecto, LLC. All rights reserved.