Wednesday, November 11, 2015

"To be or not to be..."

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Christopher (left) and Nico on Halloween Saturday bowling party. 


November 11, 2015

Inwardly I struggle to be happy. Outwardly I exude happiness. Why can’t I just make a decision on where my happy medium lies? Well, I can’t pinpoint that decision because I don’t always feel unhappy inside. And trust me, I have nothing to be unhappy about. Time moves on and I have learned that I cannot stand around and assume that happiness will know I’m waiting for it to take notice of me while I’m standing on the sideline of life. So I chose to get in the game and make myself happy, by indulging in the things that satisfy myself, before my time eventually runs out. Losing anymore time that I lost during my first few years of being a widower, that would be regret.

So during my time I find that good caffeinated coffee can make me happy. Hell the beverage will spill out of me in words as you will find out when I talk your ear off about anything and everything that will bring laughter to your face and sustenance for your appetite of good conversation.

Working out at the gym brought my endorphins out and coursed through my body which always made me feel good. But I don’t go to the gym often, like I use to, anyhow. I’m talking about the gym rat years when I went during my peak years 5 days a week and 2 to 3 hour sessions. I suppose my six and seven year old sons’ rigorous activities bring me enough energy that has my endorphins running wild. I do miss my personal relationship with the gym; it’s just that the gym and me are at odds with my energy and time that is expounded playing and taking care of my kids. I would much rather sit down when my kids are worn out then lie down on a bench press and push up 300 pounds.

Writing has brought me some kind of happiness. I have accumulated hours and hours of blogs about my life that will surely make people, happy, sad, cringe, miserable, satisfied, appalled, judgmental, hell name it and you’ll find the adjective that suits your mood or your feelings about me somewhere in my blog. But all this constant writing gets tiring too. Thinking of things to write and putting it on paper for someone to read and hope they find some kind of satisfaction from how I'm feeling can be very draining. Which offers the question is it time to move on from the blog?

My blog started from a simple person, well not simple, a very famous person, encouraging me to write about my losses and allow others to know that they aren't alone in their struggles of loss and disappointments of life. But Now I have evolved from the widowed father and grieving dad of 2 daughters, to a somewhat adjusted, reality of life, kind of guy who has a really great blog and a large platform to write to the world about my many new adventures, new tagline, haha?

I have met a lot of great people through here and heard many stories of personal strife. So making the decision to continue writing on with the blog creates more indecisions and conflicts on why I should keep on writing. After all, writers write, always, as they say.

But could I even walk away from what I built here and accomplished at Captain Imperfecto? I have a website, I have written a book that's out looking for a home, tens of thousands of people who have subscribed to my blog and Facebook Fan page and who have read more than 300,000 pages of my blog. These people span from all around the world. I can imagine some would surly become sad to see it end, right? But do I have an obligation to them?

All good things come to an end. I know this more than a lot of people. I have had an incredible journey that keeps on getting better that I think people would still love to read about those adventures. I have a few powerful contacts out there that I never reached out to them out of fear of alienating them and the competition with myself that I can be successful on my own. Besides I never wrote these misfortunes for personal gain because it didn't feel right. But maybe, they could help me take the next step to keep this material fresh.

In the end I will engage with my readers about my life, maybe expand to YouTube? And continue on as I sip on my coffee with a smile on my face, chase my boys instead of going to the gym, and allow others inside, who may not have anyone else, to rely on as they had relied on my writing.


Deep thoughts of decisions, or, indecisions with this world I have created.

“To be or not to be, that is the question.”



Captain Imperfecto and his boys.

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