Captain Imperfecto and Air Force 1
February 19th, 2012
The times have changed rapidly since last March when my wife died and man do I need to learn to change with them. I’m not talking about me acting as if I am some kind of Neanderthal and not changing with society. I just mean in everyday life.
It is in everyday life that I see others go on with their day to day activities. The people in my life, for instance, are transforming themselves into the current times that life has brought them in today’s world since last March. They are in a sense, going with the flow or rolling with the punches, so it seems at least, by the looks of their smiling Facebook photos. For them, the year is just another year filled with their own trials and tribulations. But now it is time for me to man up.
It is in everyday life that I see others go on with their day to day activities. The people in my life, for instance, are transforming themselves into the current times that life has brought them in today’s world since last March. They are in a sense, going with the flow or rolling with the punches, so it seems at least, by the looks of their smiling Facebook photos. For them, the year is just another year filled with their own trials and tribulations. But now it is time for me to man up.
I have stood on the sidelines long enough and now I have decided to engage in life and begin to roll with my own punches. Not that I haven’t made my moves after my wife died. I mean, I have done things to get myself going because if I didn’t, I probably would have just gone insane. The fun things I did with my kids as therapy for them, probably helped me as much as it has helped them. But as a grown man I need to do more for myself.
I always told Mimie that no one cares more than us about what goes on in our life. No one cares about how we live. How we struggle. How we moved on from the loss of our twins or any other thing, no matter how mundane our issues became. And now I have to do this myself, because if the past few months have taught me anything no one is going to help me.
It’s not that I’m lashing out at anyone in particular. It’s just that people have their own problems and after the initial shock of my reality enters their world, the window of sympathy and understanding is only open long enough, until that person decides to shut it. Then you are on your own.
It’s not that I’m lashing out at anyone in particular. It’s just that people have their own problems and after the initial shock of my reality enters their world, the window of sympathy and understanding is only open long enough, until that person decides to shut it. Then you are on your own.
And I am and have been on my own.
It has been a struggle for me to get reality in check. Maybe the medication and therapy is starting to work and it is allowing me to see clearly the path I need to travel on. Or maybe this new found cure will only last for a month before my own window shuts, but I know I need to strike while my character is strong enough to embrace my life today.
Other then my therapist, my blog has been instrumental in keeping what has occurred in my life organized. And it has brought a therapy all its own. In addition to my blog, I have privately documented my struggles and at the same time, being as honest in my public writings as possible without being committed to some facility where I would probably wind up for hours in a white padded room with absolute sound proofing, all the while being peered through some window where doctors would take notes of my behavioral attributes that would later be documented in some medical journal for all to study. As you can see at times my imagination can get the best of me.
I remember I was once afraid to write this blog because I thought I would be too vulnerable and possibly appear weak until someone put writing my blog into prospective this way: “Vulnerability is good, because it allows others to see that we all have struggles in life.”
So now, I embrace the honesty that you find in these words. Because without this honesty of being who I am, I may have gotten lost somewhere along the way without that organization of my thoughts. And maybe someone who had read this and found it helpful may have felt all alone without knowing that we all struggle in this life.
And in a sense maybe my blog has helped someone move along into their own journey. Just maybe, I nudged them enough to see that their is life after death. It is about time I subscribed to that same medication and take a dose of my own medicine and finally get on board the life train or find myself becoming derailed. It is time to see the life that has eluded me as the days gone by.
Other then my therapist, my blog has been instrumental in keeping what has occurred in my life organized. And it has brought a therapy all its own. In addition to my blog, I have privately documented my struggles and at the same time, being as honest in my public writings as possible without being committed to some facility where I would probably wind up for hours in a white padded room with absolute sound proofing, all the while being peered through some window where doctors would take notes of my behavioral attributes that would later be documented in some medical journal for all to study. As you can see at times my imagination can get the best of me.
I remember I was once afraid to write this blog because I thought I would be too vulnerable and possibly appear weak until someone put writing my blog into prospective this way: “Vulnerability is good, because it allows others to see that we all have struggles in life.”
So now, I embrace the honesty that you find in these words. Because without this honesty of being who I am, I may have gotten lost somewhere along the way without that organization of my thoughts. And maybe someone who had read this and found it helpful may have felt all alone without knowing that we all struggle in this life.
And in a sense maybe my blog has helped someone move along into their own journey. Just maybe, I nudged them enough to see that their is life after death. It is about time I subscribed to that same medication and take a dose of my own medicine and finally get on board the life train or find myself becoming derailed. It is time to see the life that has eluded me as the days gone by.
The Adventures of Captain Imperfecto/Born Again by Christopher P. Fusaro is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike 3.0 Unported License.
Based on a work at christopherfusaro.blogspot.com.
The Adventures of Captain Imperfecto © is also a Registered Copyright with the Office of the Registers, United States of America, TX 7-611-138
The Adventures of Captain Imperfecto © is also a Registered Copyright with the Office of the Registers, United States of America, TX 7-611-138