Wednesday, July 9, 2014

Close Your Eyes to See

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Front: Christopher and Nico at St. Mary's Hospital 


July 9th, 2014



Well it’s been over 2 years since my wife died and I have been holding on my own during the recovery and doing pretty well raising our sons alone. I didn’t think I could ever get myself so strong physically. Mentally however, I feel like I could fall of that wagon at any time and just recede back into self-despair.

 
I just turned forty-one but I don’t feel any different then when I did, twenty years ago. In fact those years seem like yesterday. The only time I remember how old I truly am is when I count back the years when I received my drivers license, graduated from school or when I look up a song, on the internet, to see when the song was released.

 At forty-one I had no idea that my life would be a constant test of my will and mental stress. My parents made life seem so easy. I just didn’t realize, when I was a child, that the more older and wiser I became I would view the world so much more clearly.

My eyes consume so much clarity which is fueling my brain and it's clarity allows the world to pass by me in slow motion. It’s life in the Matrix.  I now view the world through these eyes and what I now see can be darn right scary. Life is exposed and it seems like a letdown.  The parts of my mind that were closed, and now open, make me wish that someone would pull that drape over my memory.

But what good can come from being closed-minded? Absolutely nothing. Negativity only brings the fears you hold deep within the depths of your soul out and force you to fail. But I just recently found out I can’t live this way. Not anymore.

And it isn’t easy to accept the positivity life offers. I know. Some people find a positive life in faith, others find positivity in family and there are the few that are just plain positive. I had to go through tragedy to shake out the negativity. Believe-it-or-not. You’d think I would be more negative after the loss of my twins and my wife. But I am just so damn tired living in sadness. I reek of disaster and I can’t take it anymore. I want the good and the bad because there is good in everything. YOU have to try and find it.
And trust me, being positive can be hard to maintain especially since I’m a police officer and a lot of my time is spent in the negativity of people’s lives. But that’s just an excuse to hate other people for their good luck. And I find my self-drifting into the negative so it isn’t all roses on my side. But imagine the possibilities if we can achieve true self worth.

I close my eyes and envision a world without chaos. There is harmony in the voices I hear around me who encourage us all to be the best that we can as human beings. I close my eyes and imagine a place where my children won’t have to realize a harsher world exists, once they themselves, are able to see life more clearly.  I close my eyes and listen to my breathing. My heart is beating in my chest. The smells around me invigorate my senses, that in-turn, pulsate through me infroming me that I am alive!

Today the sights and sounds I encounter are the real clarity that I need to see because those sounds are music to my ears because I am happy to be alive. The sounds sing a tune that allows me to tap my feet and sway to the music that sooth my soul. I tell my eyes to focus on silver lining that creases the sky beyond my personal utter chaos. That line separating the dark clouds, informs me, that today is only temporary and tomorrow I can start anew. That no matter what life brings me today there will be life tomorrow to heal that wrongs of yesterday.

I close my eyes to see that there is something out there bigger than who I am. It’s even bigger than you. I understand that life just won’t hand me happiness because I think I deserve it. Life doesn’t care how I feel. Only I can change how I feel because only I care more than anyone, how I feel. I won’t allow others to dictate my happiness.

Close your eyes, if even for a minute. Listen to your conscience as it speaks to you. Your inner being wants you to be happy. We are all made of flesh and blood. We're human beings capable of anything. So make yourself capable of happiness. Throw the negativity to the side. 

Happiness isn’t discovered at forty- one or thirty-one. Your happiness begins the moment you decide that life isn’t any better than what it was yesterday and it’s time to make a change today. Because your carried over negativity won’t make your tomorrow any better. You just have to close your eyes to see it so you can realize your own potential to be happy.
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