Thursday, April 16, 2015

Like Fine Wine

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Nico enjoying a Starbucks chocolate milk

April 16, 2015

*2 curse words

I’m tired of anticipating getting older, year after year. Fuck it, I’m getting older and that’s just a part of life.  However, I can’t convince myself enough on a daily bases, that I will be that confident in myself and aging, because with every new birthday, comes another year, that everyone I know and love is getting older, and frankly, for me, my aging is a big deal.

When I say I’m “tired of anticipating getting older” It isn’t as if this thought has been going on for years. No! I’ve just recently had these intrusive thoughts burrow into my head like termites.  And, as my continued, over thinking, ravages my brain, those thoughts cause me to investigate further into the meaning of life and question why I’m here and if my contribution to this world is helping others that I meet along my journey.

Are we a product of evolution? Science makes sense. The earth is the perfecto distance from our sun to cultivate a living environment that caused life of its earliest forms to develop.

Witnessing beauty evolving on this heavenly earth. Smelling the sweet smells of food. Seeing beauty in all forms of creation leaves little doubt, for some, that God placed us here to live a meaningful life, until we are called home.

I understand people will tell me that I’m too young to reflect on my life and judge myself on a body of work that isn’t completed yet. I feel successful, I do, in life, in this moment of writing, simply because I have my children. But moving forward from that statement isn’t helping to calm my nerves about the aging of all those around me, either.

When I start getting that overwhelming feeling of my mortality I like to imagine some of the things that I find soothing to calm my nerves and forget about what ails me. A simple sound or a place I’d visit when I was off exploring in the woods is a great memory. A dip in the ocean, remembering the salty water that touched my lips from a mini-rouge wave that tantalizes my skin. The excitement of going to the airport for a trip to a far off place always gets my endorphins going.

These good thoughts, like roads, always bring me back to my greatest accomplishments, my sons’ and their impact on my life. I’m lucky to have them. My boys inspire me to make life better. I’m a strong person and I could manage life on my own but my boys just enhance my travel. But as they get older well, so will I. Damn, I know how to kill an endorphin as I overheat and over stimulate my thinking.

But as we know, time waits for no one. So today will be another day I tell myself,  "Chris, focus on the current day and what I’m going to face as it on folds.”

I guess in theory that mantra works but taking life day-by-day knowing only works if I have appointment. And even appointments can be broken.

These intrusive thoughts, of aging, are running rampant in my mind and it’s tiring my weary body. Time to think back into the “Fusaro archives of memory” to calm myself:

There was this place I visited as kid. I would walk into the woods on a dirt path that was worn out over the years by others who traveled in this same area. Right before the large trees would give way to a field allowing one to feel safe that they were out of the woods, I would break off the beaten trail and travel up a small path that was seldom used. It was slightly hidden by old growth and only a true adventure would have found. I wouldn’t venture off to far.  I’d go as far as the uprooted tree that was leaning over the canal. It must have been taking down by a storm. Or the tree it self just aged and died due to time.

I would climb up the roots, that were perfectly placed in order of ladders rungs.  When I got to the straight line of the trunk I’d place my hands on the bark and boost my self up. I'd stand strong, feeling triumphed, for conquering this massive beast. I'd then walk the trunk of the tree like an acrobat on a high wire, that only the confidence of a child or teenager would have, and find a seat on a branch over looking, just about everything.

In the distance I would hear faint sounds of other children playing. Behind me, not too far away, I could hear the cars as they hurriedly moved along the highway. Every now and then a fast moving breeze would travel though the tree branches and I would hear the howling of the wind as it moved and swayed the branches. It was as if the trees were talking to me. There is peace.

“Ouch”


I just stretched and got a shooting pain in my back, a cramp that shook me out of my tree and back into reality. Fuck, I’m aging.



Nico and Christopher at the water fountains




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