Skip to main content

Like Fine Wine

You are here: Home » Like Fine Wine

Nico enjoying a Starbucks chocolate milk

April 16, 2015

*2 curse words

I’m tired of anticipating getting older, year after year. Fuck it, I’m getting older and that’s just a part of life.  However, I can’t convince myself enough on a daily bases, that I will be that confident in myself and aging, because with every new birthday, comes another year, that everyone I know and love is getting older, and frankly, for me, my aging is a big deal.

When I say I’m “tired of anticipating getting older” It isn’t as if this thought has been going on for years. No! I’ve just recently had these intrusive thoughts burrow into my head like termites.  And, as my continued, over thinking, ravages my brain, those thoughts cause me to investigate further into the meaning of life and question why I’m here and if my contribution to this world is helping others that I meet along my journey.

Are we a product of evolution? Science makes sense. The earth is the perfecto distance from our sun to cultivate a living environment that caused life of its earliest forms to develop.

Witnessing beauty evolving on this heavenly earth. Smelling the sweet smells of food. Seeing beauty in all forms of creation leaves little doubt, for some, that God placed us here to live a meaningful life, until we are called home.

I understand people will tell me that I’m too young to reflect on my life and judge myself on a body of work that isn’t completed yet. I feel successful, I do, in life, in this moment of writing, simply because I have my children. But moving forward from that statement isn’t helping to calm my nerves about the aging of all those around me, either.

When I start getting that overwhelming feeling of my mortality I like to imagine some of the things that I find soothing to calm my nerves and forget about what ails me. A simple sound or a place I’d visit when I was off exploring in the woods is a great memory. A dip in the ocean, remembering the salty water that touched my lips from a mini-rouge wave that tantalizes my skin. The excitement of going to the airport for a trip to a far off place always gets my endorphins going.

These good thoughts, like roads, always bring me back to my greatest accomplishments, my sons’ and their impact on my life. I’m lucky to have them. My boys inspire me to make life better. I’m a strong person and I could manage life on my own but my boys just enhance my travel. But as they get older well, so will I. Damn, I know how to kill an endorphin as I overheat and over stimulate my thinking.

But as we know, time waits for no one. So today will be another day I tell myself,  "Chris, focus on the current day and what I’m going to face as it on folds.”

I guess in theory that mantra works but taking life day-by-day knowing only works if I have appointment. And even appointments can be broken.

These intrusive thoughts, of aging, are running rampant in my mind and it’s tiring my weary body. Time to think back into the “Fusaro archives of memory” to calm myself:

There was this place I visited as kid. I would walk into the woods on a dirt path that was worn out over the years by others who traveled in this same area. Right before the large trees would give way to a field allowing one to feel safe that they were out of the woods, I would break off the beaten trail and travel up a small path that was seldom used. It was slightly hidden by old growth and only a true adventure would have found. I wouldn’t venture off to far.  I’d go as far as the uprooted tree that was leaning over the canal. It must have been taking down by a storm. Or the tree it self just aged and died due to time.

I would climb up the roots, that were perfectly placed in order of ladders rungs.  When I got to the straight line of the trunk I’d place my hands on the bark and boost my self up. I'd stand strong, feeling triumphed, for conquering this massive beast. I'd then walk the trunk of the tree like an acrobat on a high wire, that only the confidence of a child or teenager would have, and find a seat on a branch over looking, just about everything.

In the distance I would hear faint sounds of other children playing. Behind me, not too far away, I could hear the cars as they hurriedly moved along the highway. Every now and then a fast moving breeze would travel though the tree branches and I would hear the howling of the wind as it moved and swayed the branches. It was as if the trees were talking to me. There is peace.

“Ouch”


I just stretched and got a shooting pain in my back, a cramp that shook me out of my tree and back into reality. Fuck, I’m aging.



Nico and Christopher at the water fountains




©Copyright 2015 Captain Imperfecto, LCC. All rights reserved.




Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

"Far Away"

You are here: Home » "Far Away" May 5th, 2012 For mommy in heaven… My kids wouldn't let me sleep last night. I kept them busy all afternoon and evening, yet they were still very hyper. I picked Nico up from school at 2:00 o'clock P.M. and decided to take them for a road trip to Broward County. It's a close drive from where we live. I am just one county over to the north. I didn't feel like going home and falling into the same routine. I wanted to stimulate the boys so that they would sleep later that night. Honestly, maybe we all could get some sleep that night. It's hard to get motivated in life when you are sleep-deprived. Nico leaves class about 10 minutes earlier than the rest of the school. Since he was a premature baby, he has had a learning delay with speech. The State of Florida placed him in a program called Early Steps. It's a great program, and it allows him to catch up to the rest of his peers academically so that by the time h...
19 comments
`D

Hi Mama. Bye Mama

You are here: Home » Hi Mama. Bye Mama. June 26, 2012 Hi mama. Bye, mama. And so it goes. Up the street, hi, mama, down the street, bye, mama. The boys know where they can find mommy. It's just down the road, a path we take every day. Everywhere we go. We go with the flow. Hi mama. Bye, mama. It always starts the same, the familiar path of the road the boys have become accustomed to. It doesn't matter what we do; we will always pass right on through; regardless of how we travel, mom will always be on their left or their right. She's never too far out of sight. Hi mama. Bye, mama. The boys anticipate the car ride. They look on either side as we drive by, seeking a clear view of their mama to be seen through. They eagerly await with no other thought on their plate. They are just waiting for the moment to see their number one visually. Hi mama. Bye, mama We are getting closer now; they look at Dad, their pal. Their smiles reach from ear to ear, knowing the time is near...
17 comments
`D

Anatomy of a Loss

You are here: Home » Anatomy of a Loss July 5, 2012 When you lose someone that you love and that you depend on, it feels like everything around you has just crashed and burned. It doesn't matter what is happening in the world because yours just got charred beyond recognition. You are forced to reprogram everything about you. Who you are. What your path in life was. The goals you had planned. Everything before the death of a loved one is scraped.  Your mind wanders about aimlessness, and you just go over your mind time and time again about how you will be able to do it. Where do you go from here? You are afraid and bewildered because you are unsure what to do and who to turn to. You find that you question God and yourself and examine everything about your life.  The doubts set in about yourself, and you want to return to the day before so badly just to reassure yourself that everything ...
11 comments
`D