Wednesday, May 15, 2013

Where's the Energy?

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Captain Imperfecto

May 15th, 2013

At 6 feet 2 inches and 225lbs. I use to be in good shape, physically. However, now after one short year after my wife's death I just struggle to keep the energy level high enough to tend to my 3 and 5 year old boys. I just can’t seem to get myself motivated to go back into a gym to improve those energy levels. 

Before my wife died, no one could keep me out from the inside of a gym. Cardio and free weights was my stress relief. And now you’d think I’d want to go lift those weights once again since I’ve been so stressed out lately, but I don’t.

Working out my body was my outlet to feeling better about, me. Don’t we all strive for feeling better about ourselves? But the hours I had to go to the 24 hours gym were pretty grueling. But I went so I could be consistent with my body. And yet, I never had to search as hard as I do for the need to get back in the sweat box, until now. I guess I’m either too lazy or just simply over tired. I choose the ladder.

Pre-my wife’s death, after a grueling 12 hour plus day working the mean streets of my city as a police officer, I would go home after 7 o‘clock and meet the family. I would still be high strung and high stressed from the day’s events of the police radio blaring. People yelling. My administration complaining. My team bitching, etc.. 

By the time I would walk inside the house at that 7 o’clock time (if I was lucky). My wife would have the boys fed and they’d be ready for bed by 7:30 P.M. Of course I’d get in trouble for riling the kids up by over playing with them before their bed time, but I had to take the risk.

I guess now in hindsight, after raising my boys after my wife's death, throwing the boys around playfully and getting their adrenaline up isn’t the best option right before bed! 

After the boys were in bed I would stay up with the wife and chat about the day before I would head out to the gym at around 1030 P.M. until about midnight. Then I would head home, shower, get in bed by 1 A.M. and then get right up at the sound of my alarm clock for work at 6 A.M. to be there by 7 A.M.

Today however, those days are long gone.  I just want to rest. I use every excuse not to go to that damn gym. Not that I don’t have good intentions to go mind you. I paid for my 2 year membership in cash back in February of 2013 and a monthly charge of 24.99 comes out of my bank account for child care for the in house daycare at the gym. 

But if you compile my lack of motivation with eating crappy food, and the simple fact of not caring how I have been looking, this lack of interest in all that molds a body provides a perfect storm of a feeling of, blah, which is showing in my outer physical body and lack of energy of my inner body.

Am I being too hard on myself? I mean after all I am still grieving. I work full-time and take care of my boys on my days off, with nights and weekends, so I am a full-time daddy. With all this going on why can’t I look for comfort in a McDonald’s Big Mac?  

It’s so tempting!

“Two all beef patties” (so, its gotta be true if they write in their own jingle)

“Special sauce (who cares if I hate Thousand Island dressing), lettuce cheese, pickles, onions on a sesame seed bun”

I have found comfort already just by typing that phrase out. Maybe my next adventure will be in search of that Big Mac rather then fighting the traffic to get to my gym. 

Somewhere lies the man that I was once outwardly because inwardly I am the man I always was. I just need to find the motivation and the energy to attack the lack of urgency that I seem to have when it comes to being a healthy person. And that starts by eating better and giving a shit more about my physical body appearance other then wondering if that Big Mac is truly an all beef patty. 

The fight within me continues and hopefully the rational side in me will head back into the gym so I may become what I once was.

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The Adventures of Captain Imperfecto/Born Again by Christopher P. Fusaro is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike 3.0 Unported License.

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