The Adventures of Captain Imperfecto

May 12, 2012 To daddy... I had a dream last night. It was shrouded in the darkness by the forest I was standing in. My bare feet standing on the moist ground. I tilt my head back and gaze at the large, thick trunk as the tall tree extends upwards into the sky. Their branches reach out like octopus tentacles, intertwining with other tributary limbs from nearby trees that are standing in their own solitude. The tree limbs are tightly woven together. Swallowing up the otherwise bright blue sky. I stare at the thick foliage, trying to glimpse the heavens, but I am denied such an exquisite view. With such a heavy canvas hovering over me, it will be impossible to find my way out. I am lost in a hopeless place where darkness seems to be commonplace. Do I stay, or do I venture out? The underbrush is just as thick, which perplexes me that such thickness can grow under such frondescence. I extend my arms to feel my way but am too afraid to move. I push back, digging my toes further i...

May 11, 2012 I’m vulnerable. Being a sensitive guy can open up the most toughest of exteriors. Never more so then when I’m in the shower. Maybe its because that’s when all of us are the most vulnerable of all. It has to be the warm water crashing down on me from the shower head. Each drop of water being forced out at a high rate of speed striking the back of my neck as the droplets come together to form a cascading waterfall as it rolls down my posterior. It relaxes me, my mind is open. Or maybe because its the one place I am truly alone. In the shower I am a way from all the distractions of life. Behind the closed doors I am completely naked. Both physically and spiritually. Susceptible to all my emotions. Alone with my thoughts I am defenseless to my enemies that are sleep depriving me and attacking my mental state. But I do not care for I am truly free in this moment. The hot water begins to stimulate my blood as my heart pumps it faster through my veins. The warmth of th...

May 10th, 2012 The dreaded beard. Lose the beard, the family and friends say. "Come on, I'll take you to the barber myself." (brother(s)) "That beard, isn't you, Chris? Lose it." (sister.) "What's with growing the beard, man?" (friend.) I never thought I could grow a full beard. I would shave before work because I had no choice but to shave. We cannot grow facial hair on road patrol or in a specialized unit. Unless it rose above the upper lip. In law enforcement, the beard is equal to a dirty Sanchez. I would shave the night before my scheduled work day, and that would be sufficient for me to go a whole week before I had to shave again. I always thought beards never worked for me, honestly. But only because I didn't know I could grow one at age thirty-eight. The mustache would never reach the whiskers on my chin. So I thought. But I only grew it a little for this long to find out. The hair follicles on my face would slowly grow out, lea...

May 7th, 2012 Fuck me. I can't sleep. I have been up since 4:30 AM. Why am I typing this now. I don't know, frustrated I suppose. I have to be up soon and I just wish I could sleep another hour. It's so quite here. THe only sound is a ticking clock that I tired to use to count the minutes away. It just became more depressing then helping me sleep. My only distraction is this urge to pee but I'm too lazy to get up so I just deal with the urge for now. The dawn will start to creep in my windows soon and I dread a new day. Nico and Christopher are sound asleep  beside me, It must be nice to sleep. I hope they are having wonderful dreams away from the nightmare of reality. Nico is wrapped up in my right arm. I'm typing this with my left thumb. They're doing well oblivious to the reality of my concerns and fears. Probably the reason why I can't sleep right this second. Money is tight and child care search sucks. I question my ability to let them go ...

May 6th, 2012 When you were in high school, if, during career day, a man in a nice suit and tie asked you to become a part of his company, which has good pay and excellent benefits, you'd probably listen to what he had to say. If the same gentleman told you, "That aside from the great benefits, there is little upside to the position I'm offering you. You'll probably have to work the night shift on weekends, holidays, and special occasions. Anniversaries and special events will probably come without you being with your loved ones. Your life expectancy is five years below the average American age of seventy-eight because the stress will cause health issues. Most people working in the field will self-medicate to help cope with things they see. And more than likely, you'll be a divorce statistic." My guess is you'll tell that lovely-dressed gentleman to go "pound sand." And yet there are about 700,000 cops in America that listened. There are oth...

May 3rd, 2012 It's the Middle Ages, and I'm being drawn and quartered. My limbs are stretched out as far as my muscles and ligaments will hold. I'm barely holding it together. I resist the urge to split at the seams with all my strength. But I'm tired. I'm grasping at straws, and I need a break. I need a moment to think. A moment to plan. A moment to see clearly. It's been a month and a half since she's gone. A month and a half has aged me tenfold. I'm weary. I wouldn't want anyone to walk a mile in my shoes. If they did, they would find out the shoe's tread was worn down to form a flat rubber surface resembling Play-Doh. The rubber soles are so thin that oddly shaped holes are forming beneath my feet, exposing the bottom of my skin to the elements. I feel my flesh being scorched by the hot pavement. It's a long mile. The longest walk that seems to never end. I see hope in front of me on this long, desolate road. An end could be possib...

May 2nd, 2012 My anxiety has been rolling over me like an angry oceans waves on the sandy shores' of a beach. I've never had so much anxiety before in my life. I take deep breaths in trying to control it. When I close my eyes I get light headed and dizzy. The sensation travels from my head to my chest sending chills out to my hands and feet. My heart races. I breath in through my nose and out through my mouth. "I have to gain control of my emotions" I think to myself. Not easy for a guy who wears his emotions on his sleeve. I keep my eyes closed. "Deep breath, deep breath" I calmly say. I take in the oxygen provided to me by the air through my nose. It fills my nostrils and works its way inside my face finding the empty pockets of my bone structure. I purse my lips together and slowly push it out as I exhale. The oxygen slightly whistles through my lips as it leaves my body. My chest relaxes. I'm trying to find my zen. "You can...

May 1st, 2012 Disney Trip April 23rd, 2012 It's Sunday. No, Monday, whatever. My days are combining like sugar with water. Although I'm not making lemonade with lemons, life just handed me them. I don't enjoy this. Sitting on my ass. The only benefit I'm receiving from being home daily is being a stay-at-home dad. I wish to do this full-time, but eventually, I have to try and get back to work. Unless I win the Lotto, which I've been playing more than ever, I have yet to check a single ticket to see if I'm a winner. Right now, my motivation sucks, and my mind is   on my kid's well-being. My sons seem to be okay. Nico asks for Mama every time my cell phone rings. I keep it on vibrate as much as possible. I'm on a childcare hunt, yet I can't seem to find anyone. I need a break. I have to do something. I want to get away. I was thinking about taking my boys to Disney World, but I'm worried about doing it alone with a two-year-old and a four-ye...

April 28th, 2012 I always knew Mimie wanted to be buried in the same cemetery where our twin daughters were buried. On many occasions, when we visited our girls, one of us would bring it up. We both wanted to be buried near them when we did meet our maker. I never imagined that one of us would be buried there so soon. I can't begin to explain to you how to plan a funeral. I am not an expert at it. When the twins died, I had no idea what happened concerning how their funeral arrangements were done. Through all the heavy emotions that week when the girls were lost, my friend John coordinated the funeral for us. Through his hard work, he got the word out in the community, where I swore to "serve and protect" the neighborhood and came through with financial and emotional support. In law enforcement, you try your best to do what's right. It may not be the most popular decision you have to make sometimes but damn it, you do what you feel is in the best interest of ev...