The Adventures of Captain Imperfecto : Anxiety

Thursday, May 10, 2012

Anxiety

May 2nd, 2012

My anxiety has been rolling over me like an angry oceans waves on the sandy shores' of a beach.

I've never had so much anxiety before in my life. I take deep breaths in trying to control it. When I close my eyes I get light headed and dizzy. The sensation travels from my head to my chest sending chills out to my hands and feet. My heart races. I breath in through my nose and out through my mouth.

"I have to gain control of my emotions" I think to myself. Not easy for a guy who wears his emotions on his sleeve.

I keep my eyes closed.

"Deep breath, deep breath" I calmly say.

I take in the oxygen provided to me by the air through my nose. It fills my nostrils and works its way inside my face finding the empty pockets of my bone structure. I purse my lips together and slowly push it out as I exhale. The oxygen slightly whistles through my lips as it leaves my body. My chest relaxes.

I'm trying to find my zen.

"You can do this, relax, relax", my thoughts race through my head.

My heart pounds. I use my left hand and place it up to the left side of my upper forehead. My palm just above my left eye brow. I slowly slide my hand up and back gliding my hand over the top of my skull reaching back to the base of my cerebellum.

I look to the right. My eyes closed. I deliberately push my head to the right, giving slight resistance to stretch my neck. I can feel my heartbeat. I can see my chest moving as if my diaphragm has extended upwards into my chest. It thumps fast sending my blood coursing through my veins like a NASCAR driver vying for pole position.

"Bump, bump, bump", my heart beats in steady succession.

My ears are throbbing. I place a pillow over my head and face. The pillow entombs my crown closing off all outside noise but my inner conscious speaks to me.

"Just find your peace, find your peace", My inner self says.

The sound of my kids laughter filters through the 500 thread count cotton pillow case.

The giggles works its way into the 20 inch x 26 inch polyester fiber pillow and into my inner ears over taking the sound of my beating heart and drowning out my conscious. I remove the pillow from my head.

The sunlight piercing through my thin skinned eye lids. The sun lights ultraviolet rays penetrating through them causing a spasm. My eyes open. My blurry sight gives way to a more focused room. I'm still light headed as I stare at the ceiling.

I lift my heavy torso from my couch. My legs are extended outward. I push my feet forward like I'm pushing a gas pedal. I retract them , I feel my calf's stretch. I feel so tired. Exhausted. I gotta get up. Gotta see what my kids are laughing about.

I don't have time to feel down. I can't get sick. My boys need me.

I can't get cancer. My children need me around.

I can't allow a bad guy to shoot me while I work on the job for the sake of my boys.

I'm not allowed to die in plane, train, or car crash my kids need me to survive.

I'm their dad and their mom. The last of their parents. No one can ever love my boys as much as me. I can't let anxiety defeat me this day. It wants to but my kids are laughing and it's drowning out everything else. So I'll overcome it this day. I'll win and spend the rest of the days with my boys. There will be no anxiety today.

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