Nico (rear) and Christopher (front) Checking out a train before dinner outside the restaurant.
July 13, 2015
I just had a birthday. "Yay, happy birthday to me," thank you for your happy birthday wishes. Your thoughts are implied. It's New Year's Eve in July! So, another year in the books, and a new chapter begins as my (blah, blah) year-old begins.
How will my life in the next "fiscal year" be written? Will I finish out a whole 365 days and see another birthday? What characters will I develop and add to my life along the way? I am writing my life by living without a computer, pen, or paper as my new year unfolds.
Most people reset their lives at midnight on New Year's Eve. Many make New Year's resolutions for which they will never hold themselves accountable. I begin my fresh start in life on my birthday. As this year starts, the word that always seems to fit the mood is accountable. Because many people depend on me for their daily needs. My yearly birthday resolution is to be accountable.
Did I become wiser this past year? Did I find happiness or learn to be happy? Are my kids being raised right because I'm a good father?
I have learned over the past few birthdays to let go of the things that I cannot control, especially when it comes to other people's failed promises and their own shitty attitude towards me or any situation they don't like. I'm no Saint, either. However, my failures have also made me a lot smarter because being accountable for my actions has placed many of my life's problems into perspective. Viewing issues that deal with me from a different perspective proves that all of us are fallible and that I'm not immune to disappointing others who depend on me to fix their problems.
So, I find it better to forgive those who cannot forgive themselves or find it impossible to apologize for being wrong because I am not without my own faults. I have disappointed others in turn. We're human, and it is better to move on and let them stew in their own personal hell.
Does that way of thinking mean that I allow nothing to bother me? Hell no, many things bother me. But I don't let go of those irritating, irrational thoughts. In that case, it only meant that I allowed my feelings to fester in my mind. I will use my imagination to recreate what occurred to justify my actions, thus allowing a monster to grow and eat up inside. It's called stress.
I found that letting go of my worrying has made my life happier because mental freedom allows me to notice the beautiful things occurring before my eyes. Live and let go, and be accountable for your own happiness.
Happiness is an emotion that all of us deserve, and achieving a simple smile seems easy enough, but that isn't always the case because sh*t happens. People will disappoint you, and it appears that some people will go out of their way to kill any joy you seek, but if you are accountable for your own happiness, then walking away from the drama that makes you miserable will stir a smile on your face regardless of their BS.
I find happiness in my boys. However, my kids make me worry constantly. And it isn't only by their actions. Well, some of their actions, but reading a news article about how unstable other people are in this world gives me pause regarding my expectations for them. I just want them to be safe.
Nico and Christopher brought me good times, and I'm thankful for that. As a father, I strive to instill good morals and values in their developing mind so that when they're older, I have given them the tools that will allow them to function in life. Although I worry about them, I will always smile because my sons are a good source for living and learning in my life, and their happiness is what I hold myself accountable to.
Why does aging make me think of mortality even though I'm entering the prime of my life? Watching a movie that I grew up with now is no longer fun. Is my aging killing the love of my favorite film because I remember seeing it as a kid, or is it only now that I'm an adult that I realize how stupid the movie plot is?
So many questions this birthday. And many of those questions have been answered here in this blog while I reflect on my life over the past year. I realize that I can't solve everything, and memories and thoughts will linger in my mind. Still, others will fade into oblivion, but it's time to move forward, placing the past in my 2014 binder of my own history book.
Happy birthday to me this July; as I enter the New Year, 2015, the only thing left to worry about is what my New Year's resolution will be. Oh, what do ya know? Accountability.
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Nico and Christopher enjoying their bowling league.
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