Friday, June 29, 2012

Silent Night

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June 29th, 2012

I sit in my chair in the dead of night and stare at the computer. The screen light glows and sheds a light on my youngest son who has fallen asleep in my left arm. I can’t see his face, but I can count the strands of hair that have fallen perfectly into place along his hair line. I can’t see his mouth, but I can hear the sucking noise of him using his fingers to sooth himself to sleep. I can not see his eyes but I know they are as blue as the sky and if you look into them you can see heaven. He is sound a sleep but I can hear his laughter reverberate through my soul. His life is in my hands as my hands rubs his back. His heart is caught in my blood and will stay there as long is it is coercing through my veins.

I have to move. My arms is falling asleep, my body following suit. The tricky part is to up right the recliner, scoop him up and carry him to his part of the couch. I lean forward ever so gently, pushing the foot rest as hard as I can so it will slide into the pocket of the chair and lock into place.

“Bark!”

Shit, the foot rest hit the dog, who decided to lie underneath the open springs of the recliner. My son stretches his head back. His hair follicles hitting my bicep. I freeze. I whisper to my yellow Labrador.

“Sorry Champ. I didn’t mean to…”

He walked away not waiting to let me finish my heart felt apology. “Well, screw you too.” I said quietly, which made it pretty much ineffective.

I slowly lift my butt from the chair. My forward weight rocking it back.

“Slam!”

The back of the chair hit the wall. I close my eyes and suck in my breath holding it in… holding it… holding  it… I peak one eye open at my son, who hasn’t moved from his arched position while he is resting in my arms.

“Sigh.”

I let the air out as my body deflates. My shoulders sulk downward. My head bowing down. The room is lit very lightly by the computer screen. I tip toe across the floor toward the couch aiming directly at the pillow.

“Whack!”

I kicked the damn toy truck that is sitting in the middle of the floor. I scream in my head. My mouth open wide. I push the air out in silent screams. I close my mouth and grind my teeth, feverishly rubbing my toes on the ground for some awkward comfort. I stretch my toes out and wiggle them hoping they aren’t broken. I cock my head to the right and breath in. I start back to the couch. I am only two steps away. Holding my son in my left arm still. I bend down and put the blanket back. It folds forward exposing his sheet like a runway I glide his body down towards it for a soft landing.

“Bang!”

I hit the back of his head on the arm rest. “ugh” I say under my breath. I place my hand behind his head rubbing my hand through his thick hair massaging his skull. Not a peep.

I finally land him not so quietly in his makeshift bed, I fold the blanket back over his body and tuck him in. I bend down and kiss him on his forehead, then raise up and stare down at him as I hover over him. I can only smile. These are my boys- I think to myself.

I smile at no one. It’s about the only time I’ll smile. “Too bad no one around to see it”, I mumble under my breath. My eyes leave my son and I glance out the window and stare at my neighbors outside light. I get lost in the brightness of it as the blackness shrouds the background. I am tired too, as a yawn escapes from me.

I turn towards my bed, the five foot couch for my seventy-four inch body, and make my way to my position to finally close my eyes. I reach out and close the computer that is resting on the chair beside my couch. I sit down and use my eyes to look up at the ceiling towards the sky. My stare holds for a moment until I swing my feet up and lay my bones on the couch.

“Ahhh” I let out the air from my chest. I feel so comfortable now. Ready to sleep. I pull the covers up to my neck and lay in my spot until the sandman comes and puts me down.

“Omph!”

My body wretches upwards. The air leaving my body. My knees pop and move towards my chest like I am performing a sit-up. I open my eyes and it is my son. He landed on my stomach in his leap from the other couch. I lay back down and my son settles in on my left arm.

I look at my son but there is no light to see him, my computer is closed. “You could’ve save me the trouble you know." I whisper to him in his ear.

Silence.

I’ll take it.










Christopher Fusaro. The author of Captain Imperfecto.

© copyright 2012. All rights reserved.


Also see us at www.captainimperfecto.com

Wednesday, June 27, 2012

Breathe In and Breathe Out.

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June 28th, 2012

I’m fucking losing it. I am tired and all I want to do is rest. My emotions are high, my tension and stress is multiplying. I feel like The Incredible Hulk. My muscles ready to bulge and tear away my clothing. I just want a break a little time to myself--to concentrate on me. I need a break to escape my reality. I need to escape the dogs, the kids, the house, my MISERY and the real world for a while.

I dream of a place that is in harmony with me. Where my ears don’t ring and my head doesn’t feel like it wants to explode. I want to breathe in fresh air and not the sadness  of my tired soul that surrounds me now. I have to relax and think that it will get better. Think positive. The glass is half-full.

Fuck that. I am pissed off! I want a damn break. I deserve that, just a little. Zoning out doesn’t help anymore. I have too much on my plate now that I am back at work. I don’t need what’s on that damn plate.  Put it in a damn bowl of noodles and give me chop sticks so I can feed myself little by little.

Let peace find me or let me find peace, so I may be able to sleep at night. Eat right. And take care of myself. I want to be in synch with a world that I perceive is normal because I am not in a normal place. Give me the misery of other people's lives, so that I may discover again, that my world isn’t that bad. 

Let me look at the good I have around me and believe that my world will resurrect from the ashes and find its path to getting back on track. Let help reach out from beyond a place that I do not know, without a question, and relieve me from my pain. Let me strive to be better;  to move forward and get back in a race that took me out months ago.  I have to help myself to move forward but I am damn tired and don’t want to lift a fucking finger.

Breathe.     Breathe.     Breathe.    Breathe in. And push out. Breathe in. And push out.
Change the quality of the air as it filters out of you. Keep focused and make it better. "You can do this Chris. You believe in yourself. You have been here before. (But I didn’t expect to be here at the same situation again.)

Understand that you cannot control the things that life blind sides you with. Realize the joy that sits beyond your door from where I am sitting, through the sounds of cartoons, and the giggles of happiness are waiting for me.  Just control your emotions and pull yourself together.

Piece by piece, Humpty Dumpty can be put back together again. It will just take time.

"Breath and believe that it will be put back together."

Life has a way of working itself out. I don’t want to be a hero here. I just want to build a place that is positive for my boys, in a world that will help them, more than it has helped me. This is my goal: To change my world in order to make their world a better place. I will have to seize the moments of clarity and heal myself before permanent damage takes consumes my life.

I need more help from my thoughts and temper my emotions with reason. Not in a bad way mind you, I just need to think clearly and allow the dopamine provide me with energy, so I can make myself be more productive.
Breathe and believe that my world will get better and my life will gain traction during this marathon that I thought I didn’t have to run again. "Believe in yourself, believe in others, find God and take control. Life has a role for me it’s time to breathe and play my part."

Just keep telling yourself that, keep breathing, in and out.










Christopher Fusaro. The author of Captain Imperfecto.

© copyright 2012. All rights reserved.


Also see us at www.captainimperfecto.com

Tuesday, June 26, 2012

Hi Mama. Bye Mama

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June 26, 2012

Hi mama. Bye mama.

And so it goes. Up the street, hi, mama, down the street, bye mama. The boys know where they can find mommy. Its just down the road , a path we take everyday. Everywhere we go. We just go with the flow.

Hi mama. Bye mama.

It always starts the same, the familiar path of road the boys have become a custom to. It doesn’t matter what we do, we will always pass right on through, regardless of how we travel, mom will always be on their left or on their right. She’s never too far out of sight.

Hi mama. Bye mama.

The boys anticipate the car ride. They look on either side, as we drive by, seeking out  the clear view that their mama will be seen through.  They eagerly await with no other thought on their plate. Just waiting for the moment to come to visually see their number one.

Hi mama. Bye mama

We are getting closer now, they look at dad, their pal. Their smiles reaching from ear to ear knowing full well the time is near. It doesn’t matter if it happened before because they know it will happen again. Their mom just outside our path and will always be there to ever last, as long as our drive is to forever pass, the very place where she hibernates.

Hi mama. Bye mama

The road is long, and the boys eagerness overtakes any thing their dad can say to calm them down and make them meditate. She’s about to pass on our right, the boys can hardly wait, as they bounce around in their seat, like ants in their pants, their moment seems so sweet. Their mama standing by I know to greet her boys, one by one, as she waits for their hugs, squeezes their cheeks. It’ll make their day so complete.

Hi mama. Bye mama

Just on the right, we pass the cemetery, her final resting place in sight, my boys know exactly where to look, her final spot high enough to over look, the very place, will pass right through, in our minivan. The car she loved when she took our boys on their fun never expecting days like this.

Hi mama Bye mama

We drive right by the cemetery and I turn to say “hi” and bow my head, as my boys voices are overheard saying, “Hi mama” the car beginning to get some separation as their mom fades off in the distance, the boys look back and together say, “bye mama.” but not for too long because we have to drive home and see her again. Another time for my boys to see their mom and let her know how truly missed she really is.

Hi mama. Bye mama.










Christopher Fusaro. The author of Captain Imperfecto.

© copyright 2012. All rights reserved.


Also see us at www.captainimperfecto.com

Monday, June 25, 2012

A River Flows Through the Living Room

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June 24th, 2012

The soothing sound of the river as it works its way through the path it has woven over hundreds of years brings tranquility to my soul. I sit on the banks of the roaring water and take in  nature at its best. I observe the clear water, so tempting to drink and watch the world beneath the surface play in the current of the flowing water.

I look beyond the water to the other side of the bank and watch the trees sway. The spray from the river below quenching its thirst as the water mist lays upon the greenery as it glistens in the sunlight. The rays of the sun gently landing on the rocks that aren’t under the refuge of the trees that are shielding random areas. I bask in its glow, feeling the warmth on my skin, while the breeze on my face keeps me cool.

My arms are outreached behind me. Stretched until the elbows are locked. My fingertips clawing through the criss-crossing roots of natures carpet as I weave my fingers through the entangled grass until I reach the cool of the soil. I push my head back, hanging it back until the center of my head is placed evenly between my shoulders.

My legs lay in the softness of the bed of grass. The blades surrounding my pants ,swallowing the material until it is even with the top of my legs. The slight breeze causing the tips of the pieces of grass to dance on my skin. The peace is rushing over me like the cool water over the rocks in the river down below.

I am mediating and taking in nature. Closing my weary eyes enjoying a breath of fresh air.

“Chris!” Chris!”. a voice shouts out to me.

Quickly the river vanish from my view as light rushes past my eyes. It is like the whole scene is suddenly in reveres passing me at the speed of light.

“What, huh, what’s going on?” I wipe my face after dozing off on the couch.

“The toilets they are backing up! The bathroom is flooding and it is over flowing into the hallway!” my kids nanny shouts

I jump from the comfort of the my seat. The soft cushions that was cradling my body slowly returning back to its normal flat position. I hear the rush of the water from the open door area of my bathroom as the water runs out from the toilet and bath tub like a waterfall. The discovery of my flooded bathroom taking away any peace the sound of water can give me.

“What the hell happen?” Looking at my nanny hoping for an answer as I slosh through the water in my hallway. She is stunned not sure what to say.

I walk into the bathroom and discover four inches of water on the floor. The higher it got the more it spread, like a dam breaking it quickly made its way out to the house. I immediately look at my boys who are watching the horror unfold, smiling at the thrilling rapids escaping throughout the house.

“Here” handing the nanny a bunch of towels. “Save the wood floors, build a damn with these towels. I’ll get the shop vac.” I quickly fix the toilet handle that the kids accidentally locked on the child baby seat that makes the opening of the toilet bowl smaller so they can sit down and go “potty.” It was hooked on the side of the tank the handle caught behind it.

Like a mad man on a mission, I rush to the shed to grab the shop vacuum that will suck up the water. I run to the backyard, scaring off the birds that are hanging out, enjoying the suns rays. I grab the vacuum and run back inside the house, quickly plugging it in and use the suction hose to suck up all the water.

The joy of a river in my dreams quickly turned to a trail of sewer in my living room that only Ed Norton could love. I worked the vacuum hose quickly like a white water rafting paddle.  My boys enamored with the vacuum that is sucking up the water, they move in for a closer look not realizing the chaos that hey caused.  I look back at the other side of the hallway on the banks of the far bedroom and give a scowl. But my boys don’t pay any mind to me. They are examining a vacuum that they never saw before.

After I purge all the water out to save this sinking ship, I decide to flush the toilet to make sure it is okay. The water won’t flush down. It rises to the brink of freedom. It is clogged by whatever a two and four year old boy decided should be flushed.

The river flows from my bathroom and it didn’t take hundreds of years to find its flow. It took two boys and a day dreaming father to make the river Nile possible.

Just another adventure, as the river settles in my living room, leaving me up a creek without a paddle.










Christopher Fusaro. The author of Captain Imperfecto.

© copyright 2012. All rights reserved.


Also see us at www.captainimperfecto.com