June 29th, 2012
I sit in my chair at night and stare at the computer. The screen light glows and sheds light on my youngest son, who has fallen asleep in my left arm. I can't see his face, but I can count the strands of hair that have fallen perfectly into place along his hairline. I can't see his mouth, but I can hear the sucking noise of him using his fingers to soothe himself to sleep. I can not see his eyes, but I know they are as blue as the sky, and if you look into them, you can see heaven. He is asleep, but I can hear his laughter reverberating through my soul. His life is in my hands as my hand rubs his back. His heart is caught in my blood and will stay there as long as it is coercing through my veins.
I have to move. My arms are falling asleep, my body following suit. The tricky part is to upright the recliner, scoop my son up, and carry him to his part of the couch. I lean forward ever so gently, pushing the footrest as hard as I can so it will slide into the pocket of the chair and lock into place.
"Bark!"
Shit, the footrest hit the dog, who decided to lie underneath the open springs of the recliner. My son stretches his head back. His hair follicles hit my bicep. I freeze. I whisper to my yellow Labrador.
"Sorry Champ. I didn't mean to…"
He walked away, not waiting to let me finish my heartfelt apology. "Well, screw you too," I said quietly, which made it ineffective.
I slowly lift my butt from the chair. My forward weight rocked it back.
"Slam!"
The back of the chair hit the wall. I close my eyes and suck in my breath, holding it in… holding it… holding it… I open one eye at my son, who hasn't moved from his arched position while resting in my arms.
"Sigh."
I let the air out as my body deflates. My shoulders sulk downward. My head bowed down. The room is lit very lightly by the computer screen. I tip-toed across the floor toward the couch, aiming directly at the pillow.
"Whack!"
I kicked the damn toy truck that was sitting in the middle of the floor. I scream in my head. My mouth opened wide. I push the air out in silent screams. I close my mouth and grind my teeth, feverishly rubbing my toes on the ground for some awkward comfort. I stretch my toes and wiggle them, hoping they aren't broken. I cock my head to the right and breath in. I start back on the couch. I am only two steps away. Holding my son in my left arm still. I bend down and put the blanket back. It folds forward, exposing his sheet like a runway. I glide his body down towards it for a soft landing.
"Bang!"
I hit the back of his head on the armrest. "ugh," I say under my breath. I place my hand behind his head, rubbing my hand through his thick hair, massaging his skull. Not a peep.
I finally land him not so quietly in his makeshift bed; I fold the blanket back over his body and tuck him in. I bend down and kiss him on his forehead, then rise up and stare down at him as I hover over him. I can only smile. These are my boys- I think to myself.
I smile at no one. It's about the only time I'll smile. "Too bad no one is around to see it," I mumble. My eyes leave my son, and I glance out the window and stare at my neighbor's outside light. I get lost in the brightness of it as the blackness shrouds the background. I am tired, too, as a yawn escapes from me.
I turn towards my bed, the five-foot couch for my seventy-four-inch body, and make my way to my position to finally close my eyes. I reach out and close the computer, resting on the chair beside my couch. I sit down and use my eyes to look up at the ceiling towards the sky. My stare holds for a moment until I swing my feet up and lay my bones on the couch.
"Ahhh," I let out the air from my chest. I feel so comfortable now. Ready to sleep. I pull the covers up to my neck and lay in my spot until the sandman comes and puts me down.
858 words
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Chris, I just want to let you know that I applaud you as a man, as a dad, & as a human being! You are an amazing writer & you are not afraid to show true emotion! The first time I read your blog I read every bit of of it, I couldn't leave my desk! I know you are probably so sick of hearing people say I'm sorry for your loss & giving you "that look"! I do want to say I'm sorry & I can't even imagine what you are going threw. However, I do want to give you some words of encouragement. I was raised by a single mom. When her journey started she had three girls 6,10,14. She made $9,000 a year & put all of us threw private school. She didn't have an education so she put herself threw school. Thirteen years later she had three grown daughters a Doctorate (with highest honors) in education & a career that she loves. She is now retiring after 29 years. In that time she has touched so many life's & made a mark on this world. I want you to know that she is my best friend, the worlds greatest mom & my hero! As a mom of three boys (& not being single) I have the utmost respect for single parents! I know I need a breath a lot of times & I have help so.....I know over the next few years its gonna be tough & your boys may not be your biggest fan, but let me tell you, when they get older they will tell everyone about the amazing super hero that raised them! I hope this help & I will be praying for you & the boys! I really hope & pray you do find time to take a breath & that you truly find peace! Jackie
ReplyDeleteI've just come across your blog and I'm subscribing to it!! The few entries I've read are heartwarming and heartwrenching at the same time. I am going through my own "things" at the moment and this is making me put things in perspective. Reading your entries will give me motivation and grounding. There are many around to "talk" to but if you need an ear I am a great listener :D. Hugs and don't forget to breath, Lisa
ReplyDeleteChris, sometimes it seems like kids have a built in radar, even in the dark they can smell, find, feel and touch you. They need to be by the warmth of your energy. YES, your energy. Your creative emotions flow from your fingers as you write. You may not feel the physical energy, but I feel your raw emotional energy.
ReplyDeletedear Chris
ReplyDeleteI could not get off your blog and read every one. What a wonderful dad and man you are. I hope that every day gets easier for you and that one day you will find peace and happiness soon. Take care. I suscribed to your blog and am thankful that the world has people like you in it.
Its amazing how we tend to find ourselves in unfamiliar situations and it takes time to realize what abilities we have; To raise children is not just fun and games, we are trusted to mold them to be the best individuals they can be. We also, must share our knowledge that "we" must take care of ourselves also. Our needs are different compared to a child, take that time for you and slowly recognize that your challenges are just that, challenges. As they watch you they too will partake and recognize that we never Lose someone we love, for they are always within our Hearts. Put your hand over your Heart....feel that....You have shown the strength of a Knight, and your children are blessed.
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