Breathe In and Breathe Out.

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June 28th, 2012

I'm fucking losing it. I am tired, and all I want to do is rest. My emotions are high, and my tension and stress are multiplying. I feel like The Incredible Hulk. My muscles are ready to bulge and tear away my clothing. I just want a break from the norm and a little time to concentrate on my needs. I need a break to escape my reality. I need to escape the dogs, the kids, the house, my MISERY, and the natural world for a while.

I dream of a place that is in harmony with me. Where my ears don't ring, and my head doesn't feel like it wants to explode. I want to breathe in fresh air and not the sadness of my tired soul that surrounds me now. I have to relax and think that it will get better. Think positive. The glass is half-full.

Fuck that. I am pissed off! I want a damn break. I deserve that, just a little. Zoning out doesn't help anymore. I have too much on my plate now that I am back at work. I don't need what's on that damn plate. Put it in a damn bowl of noodles and give me chopsticks so I can feed myself little by little.

Let peace find me, or let me find peace so I can sleep at night. Eat right. And take care of myself. I want to be in sync with a world I perceive is normal because I am not in a usual place. Give me the misery of other people's lives so I may discover again that my world isn't that bad. 

Let me look at the good I have around me and believe that my world will resurrect from the ashes and find its path to getting back on track. Let help reach out from beyond a place that I do not know, without question, and relieve me from my pain. Let me strive to improve, move forward, and return to a race that took me out months ago. I have to help myself to move forward, but I am damn tired and don't want to lift a fucking finger.

Breathe. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe in. And push out. Breathe in. And push out.

Change the quality of the air as it filters out of you. Keep focused and make it better. "You can do this, Chris. You believe in yourself. You have been here before. (I didn't expect to be in the same situation again.)

Understand that you cannot control the things that life blinds you with. Realize the joy that rests beyond your door from where I am sitting through the sounds of cartoons and the giggles of happiness waiting for me. Just control your emotions and pull yourself together.

Piece by piece, Humpty Dumpty can be put back together again. It will just take time.

"Breath and believe that it will be put back together."

Life has a way of working itself out. I don't want to be a hero here. I just want to build a positive place for my boys in a world that will help them more than it has helped me. This is my goal: To change my world to make their world a better place. I must seize the moments of clarity and heal myself before permanent damage consumes my life.

I need more help from my thoughts and temper my emotions with reason. Not in the wrong way, mind you. I need to think clearly and allow the dopamine to give me the energy to make myself more productive.

I breathed and believed that my world would get better and my life would gain traction during this marathon, and I thought I wouldn't have to run again. "Believe in yourself, believe in others, find God and take control. Life has a role for me, and it's time to breathe and play my part."

Just keep telling yourself that, keep breathing, in and out.

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Christopher Fusaro. The author of Captain Imperfecto.

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