April 10, 2012
It’s 7am and I am counting the minutes on the clock. The clock just struck 7:03 and I am just mesmerized by it. I count the little hash marks that form the number over and over.
"There’s 14 digital hash marks that form the numerals."
My boys are still out. Baby’s nose is clogged and he’s breathing deep. His body is turned into my chest. Both of his arms are raised up high to his chest. His arms are sandwiched in between his body and my body. His tiny little arms remind me of a Tyrannosaurs Rex because of how they are positioned.
"Okay, there are 16 hash marks that make up the digital time of 7:08."
Nico is pressed up against my back. I can feel the heat of his breath even with my t-shirt on. I reach back and feel his legs. They are cold from the central air and fan being on. "Its 7:15",I say.
"10 digital hash marks", that are needed to form those numbers in the digital clock.
Do I cover his legs? I suppose there is time since he doesn’t have to be at school until 7:50.
"14 digital hash marks."
We haven’t moved from this couch. I can hear Mimie in my mind telling me like a drill instructor to “Get up! It’s his routine. He has to get to school on time.” I reluctantly sit up.
My body weight created an enclave in the cushions. So much so both boys roll down into it, like a deep ditch. Their roll down causes them to crash into each other. I look back and cringe thinking they are going to cry but they laugh. Their laughter gives way to a smile on my face. I face forward looking at the time as I reach back with my right hand and touch Baby’s hair. I then stretch over by leaning my body into baby’s and with my same right hand run my fingers through Nico’s hair. I never look at them. I am just fixated on the clock.
"7:26, 14 digital hash marks",I’m losing my mind.
I feel this connection with my boys that I compare to surviving a plane crash with each other. The thought of being away from them hurts. It’s a constant need to be a part of their life every minute of it. It feels like they are all I have left in this world and I must protect them. "I can never let anything happen to them", I think to myself.
Then my mind thinks of Finding Nemo. Yes like I said I am losing my mind, and the part where Nemo’s dad, Marlin, has this give and take with Dory.
Marlin:
I promised I’d never let anything happen to him. (Meaning Nemo)
Dory:
Hmm. That’s a funny thing to promise.
Marlin:
Why?
Dory:
Well, you can’t never let anything happen to him. Then nothing would ever happen to him. Not much fun for little Harpo.
I stare at the blank television. "Shit 7:34."
"12 digital hash marks."
"We gotta get going” I think. I jump into action. I scoop both boys up in both arms. I change their diapers and get Nico dressed. Baby is in his PJ’s it's acceptable attire for the drive to Nico’s school and even more acceptable for Wal-Mart because we are going there to shop once we drop Nico off. I go out to the mini-van and one at a time I place them in their car seats. Nico first then I run back inside and get Christopher next. As I walk out with Christopher I notice the time, "Damn ,7:44."
"10 digital hash marks, no wait, 11, 11 digital hash marks. Jesus Chris stop doing that”, I think to myself.
Finally, everyone is in the van and we are on our way on our short drive to Nico’s school. As I drive away I wonder if I am doing this right. Can I do this right? My eating has sucked, my sleeping has sucked and I have no routine. “ Just keep plugging away” I tell myself aloud. "Just keep swimming, just keep swimming" my mind reverting back to Nemo. I look at the time, 7:51 it displays.
Christopher Fusaro is the author of Captain Imperfecto.
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