July 2nd, 2012
I wanted to tell this story because it was a pivotal loss we had between losing the twins and the birth of our oldest son, Nico. It was a trying time for her and I. That stretch of time tested everything our relationship was about and everything it was going to be. We were desperate to heal ourselves and try to replace the loss we suffered on that terrible October morning in 2006 when we suffered a double loss of twins the morning we were scheduled to give birth. Mimie was very strong but strength can only last so long.
After breakfast, we went home. I returned to the computer and the message boards to read about similar problems and situations that Mimie and I encountered during this neverending battle. There were only one or two positive outcomes for people who were having a miscarriage, from what I was reading. It was very frustrating.
"Chris, you need to stay off those boards, really. What will it be? Will be." Mimie sounded as if she was already resigned to the fact we were losing the baby.
I know what she said was true. I wanted to keep my mind busy before the next appointment. There are only so many movies to see or restaurants to go to. We would just have to struggle with our emotions until that Friday came. We could only do our best and go about our daily business.
I would work and deal with the bad guys on the mean streets of my city, and Mimie would deal with forecasting the real estate market at the private bank where she worked. And so it went for six nights and seven days. I can't image what she was thinking during this time. Knowing that there is someone inside of her but being unsure if it was growing as the weeks passed or has already died must have been heart-wrenching in itself. The thought process must have consumed her daily, although she never mentioned it.
I did know going to work was very difficult for her because she felt that ever since she lost the twins, everyone was looking at her, wondering how difficult things were. Or how strong of a woman she was to continue on in her recovery. She didn't want to be their focus of attention any longer. She never enjoyed that.
Work became more unbearable as time went on, and she was going on those web boards to deal with her thought process and look for answers about what was happening inside her. Even though she scoffed at the idea of being on the web boards, I would later find out through her journal she visited them, too.
She would later document this in her journal:
“Sun, Apr 22, 2007 12:15 P.M.
I am at the cemetery with w/my girls, having come from the gym; I like the warmth of the sun on my face with w/the breeze.
I'm online on my Blackberry, doing research. I found that 'if gestational dates are well established, absence of a gestational sac @ [at] weeks or fetal heartbeat @ [at] 7 weeks is very discouraging.'
Another website showed 13,000 = 5 weeks, so that's what the doctor meant by 'good.'?
Another site says a transvaginal U/S [ultra sound] s/b [should be] able to see @ [at] least a gestational sac once HCG levels are 1000-2000. The levels should not be used to date a pregnancy b/c [because] the # [numbers] vary so widely. I'm confused…"
So, I know it has weighed heavily on her mind, and to have to wait more days for the sonogram was just too much for her. But what could we do? We were at the mercy of the doctor's staff.
The day arrives, and we go get our ultrasound. During the process, we discover that the pregnancy isn't progressing and that, essentially, there is nothing there but a sac. The stork had forgotten our bundle of joy. We began to doubt ourselves and our ability to have kids. The beating we were taking with the loss of the twins, and now this was indescribable. We were putting too much pressure on ourselves. In hindsight, we should have healed our minds and bodies, but no one can truly understand unless they lost a child. And who in their right mind would want to experience that. But now here we are, losing three.
Mimie's thoughts:
"Chris is taking tonight off. We are dealing with the latest news as best we can. He's already told almost everyone via text message that things didn't work out for us this pregnancy. I'm not feeling sorry for myself, but I'm damn tired of feeling this pain. I really wanted to go on w/a [with a] healthy pregnancy. This happening now is testing our strength. I don't know how much strength I have. All I know is that I continue to feel like I'm just going through the motions. The black cloud looms over me. I look [at] my minivan and feel pain. I feel pain every time I drive it…to have this additional pain to compound on top of what we continue to reel from is not fair…to feel that what you're carrying inside you may or may not be viable is horrible."
The doctor started to explain to us what had occurred. Been there, done that- I thought. All the explanations in the world weren't going to make this better. No justification as to why it's occurring. It just happens to women all the time he was mumbling. No reasoning about being young and having other opportunities makes the pain disappear. We just didn't want to hear it. In fact, we weren't hearing it anymore. The doctor gave us some options, which Mimie explained in her journal.
"Saturday, May 12, 2007 2:30
Here we go again. Tomorrow is Mother's Day and no baby. The twins would be 7 months old now. I'm supposed to be 10 wks [weeks] pregnant but this pregnancy is a no-go. I am going thru the signs and symptoms of a pregnancy but its not viable. A few weeks ago we did hear a heartbeat of 138 bpm [beats per minute] then 1 week later it had disappeared. No heartbeat. I can't seem to get off this rollercoaster ride of life… we met w/ Dr [left blank] who went over our options: D & C or miscarry on our own."
To live through this nightmare is something that I wouldn't wish on anyone. I understand that there are heartaches in life. People try and fail to have a baby all the time. They even pay thousands of dollars for expert help. But we felt we had paid our debt and earned the right to have a child with the loss of our twins, without further complications. It doesn't matter how selfish that sounds. We earned it. We wanted it. Because when you lose a child, you can't help but feel a little greedy. And now we would have to deal with a possible D and C or, for a better word, an abortion. The thought of that sent shockwaves through Mimie.
PART VIII SOON
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