Skip to main content

Undefeated

You are here: Home » Undefeated

Nico (right) with his little brother Christopher celebrating his Leap Year birthday at school.


March 8, 2016

I feel defeated when a project I’m working on fails or just something I really wanted didn’t go my way. And what sucks is, once that defeat gets rolling, I can feel defeated about everything going on in my life, that day, and beyond.

When this feeling occurs I get on myself for not accomplishing what I set out to do. And the defeat for this day doesn’t stop nagging me but continues for everything else that occurs there after. And, of course I make it worse because all those bad things that occur there after are over analyzed causing it to be magnified 100 million percent!

Which of course is overwhelming on my mental status because I spend the day trying to renationalize my emotions and feelings which then consumes my thought process, which then takes way from my concentration, and then my focus stops on my project at hand, which then causes others to be affected, and then they get mad at me, and then, in turn, I will get mad at them for their lack of awareness of realizing that I have been defeated so they fail to see I’m having a bad day and unintentionally I blame them for being the ones rubbing it in, so thus, it is THEIR fault for my shitty day!

Whew.

The only bright side to this defeat is that now I can control those emotions and this feeling doe not stay long. Damn, my life is a lot of work. In the past I allowed the comments, failures, bad comments, emotions, anger, people yelling at me, stupid things I said or did, stupide things THEY did or say, to linger. Where it would bleed into my other relationships and affect the ones I love. So, I press on when the feeling of defeat sets into my emotions. I contemplate why I allowed the defeat to set-in-motion, the feeling that will attack my psyche far longer than it should have.

I stub my toe, F*cking defeat. I can get a lid of a container without breaking the crap out of the rest of the container. F*cking defeat. The cork in my wine bottle falls apart as I’m uncorking it. F*cking defeat! I burnt my food.  F*CKING DEFEAT.

I’m not crazy, just emotional. Which actually is a good thing because I can write to you what is going on. Don’t judge me. Seriously I’m who I am and I can’t change that. I can feel you are judging me while reading this sentence. I didn’t ask your opinion. I’m just feeling a little defeated right now so I’m allowing the defeat to flow out through words. Really, stop it. Don’t judge. Okay, I’m blaming you, the reader, for this rant!


I’ll get over it. I have to. Because I won’t be defeated any longer due to one bad thing that morphs into a series of bad things which makes it a bad day. In fact I choose to be undefeated. Undefeated is better because I allowed myself to brush off the things that caused my day to feel like it’s gone awry. I can’t control what others do or what forces of nature causes to occur. I can only control what this moment represents for me. Which it can only represent what my mind tells me to feel. So I choose the defeat to represent: a fluffy puppy that is running round my living room, playing and tripping over everything and being goofy. My problems are shedding away. My mind is allowing me to feel this way because I'm controlling my emotions to tell my mind that life is okay. I’m undefeated.




Captain Imperfecto enjoying a coffee a good samaritan bought for him.


© copyright 2016. All rights reserved.






Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

"Far Away"

You are here: Home » "Far Away" May 5th, 2012 For mommy in heaven… My kids wouldn't let me sleep last night. I kept them busy all afternoon and evening, yet they were still very hyper. I picked Nico up from school at 2:00 o'clock P.M. and decided to take them for a road trip to Broward County. It's a close drive from where we live. I am just one county over to the north. I didn't feel like going home and falling into the same routine. I wanted to stimulate the boys so that they would sleep later that night. Honestly, maybe we all could get some sleep that night. It's hard to get motivated in life when you are sleep-deprived. Nico leaves class about 10 minutes earlier than the rest of the school. Since he was a premature baby, he has had a learning delay with speech. The State of Florida placed him in a program called Early Steps. It's a great program, and it allows him to catch up to the rest of his peers academically so that by the time h...
19 comments
`D

Hi Mama. Bye Mama

You are here: Home » Hi Mama. Bye Mama. June 26, 2012 Hi mama. Bye, mama. And so it goes. Up the street, hi, mama, down the street, bye, mama. The boys know where they can find mommy. It's just down the road, a path we take every day. Everywhere we go. We go with the flow. Hi mama. Bye, mama. It always starts the same, the familiar path of the road the boys have become accustomed to. It doesn't matter what we do; we will always pass right on through; regardless of how we travel, mom will always be on their left or their right. She's never too far out of sight. Hi mama. Bye, mama. The boys anticipate the car ride. They look on either side as we drive by, seeking a clear view of their mama to be seen through. They eagerly await with no other thought on their plate. They are just waiting for the moment to see their number one visually. Hi mama. Bye, mama We are getting closer now; they look at Dad, their pal. Their smiles reach from ear to ear, knowing the time is near...
17 comments
`D

Anatomy of a Loss

You are here: Home » Anatomy of a Loss July 5, 2012 When you lose someone that you love and that you depend on, it feels like everything around you has just crashed and burned. It doesn't matter what is happening in the world because yours just got charred beyond recognition. You are forced to reprogram everything about you. Who you are. What your path in life was. The goals you had planned. Everything before the death of a loved one is scraped.  Your mind wanders about aimlessness, and you just go over your mind time and time again about how you will be able to do it. Where do you go from here? You are afraid and bewildered because you are unsure what to do and who to turn to. You find that you question God and yourself and examine everything about your life.  The doubts set in about yourself, and you want to return to the day before so badly just to reassure yourself that everything ...
11 comments
`D