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Left to right: Nico and Christopher before their new beds


May 15, 2014

I hate the change that has happened to my family. All this re-adjusting and trying to figure shit out all over again is for the birds. My life sucks sometimes as I claw myself back to some sort of normalcy. But finding normal ain’t happening as fast as I would like.

The current state of my life is best compared to the weather here in Florida. There just isn’t any season’s changing to make this place seem less tropical, thus life here is the same all year round. And being a Floridian my whole life I have accepted the fact that if I want to see any snow, my ass better travel 600 miles to the north, during the winter. So since this tropical weather isn’t going to change, why after two years of my life-changing event into a single parent, haven’t I just accepted my new life? The past isn’t changing just like that snow isn’t falling.

Parts of my life aren’t a total bust however. But I need more organization!

This damn desk needs to be better organized!

My office needs to resemble more of an office! 

I need to get three chapters of my book to the Beta readers for critiquing!

I want to walk my dogs more!

I need structure in my own life!

No more money!

Sometimes, when I look around my house things seem to be complete chaos!

My kids are having fun and running around!

My dogs are barking excitingly!

The TV is full blast! I’m burning food!

I’m playing with my kids!

I am answering texts messages!

It’s utter chaos!

…
…
…
…
…

(Calm, back to writing, soothing tone as I type)


I should just take the baby steps like I did before.

Small things like:  accepting there is no more sleeping-in.

That was the hardest thing for me in the beginning.  Realizing that I would work full-time and be the single parent full-time. I didn’t figure I’d get no help from anyone. My kids are up at the butt crack of the sun as the large star’s sunrays break the horizon to begin a new day. I use to resist my boys and the urge to get up.

 “Just a little more, sleep, please!” I would plead.

Now, I’m up before them, sometimes. Am I finally adapting to my life and over coming these rollercoaster feelings of depression and despair?

Nah. If I were winning that battle then I would write a last blog and tell you all, “thanks for the support, but I have officially left the computer and all my writing behind.”

No, I’m still here writing and venting to you all. The thoughts of my incomplete life exiting my brain through my fingertips while I transcribe what I’m thinking to this blank canvass. Writing my life isn’t easy, even still, till this day, but I think I’m just trying to organize my thoughts in order to continue to change.

Nature makes animals adapt so easily. But I suppose this is occurring over evolution.  
I don’t have a few lifetimes to make my life better so I must forgo Mother Natures thinking of remaking my life. I must do it on my own.

I wish I could just be like a caterpillar and weave myself into a pupa and metamorphosis myself into a beautiful butterfly into my new life. Now that is change I could handle.  Or be that little ugly duckling that changes into a beautiful swan. Fuck, my life isn’t a fairy tale. But whose life is?

Change. Freaking change. I can change. Change is good. Change in my pocket is even better. I want my consistency back. I want to go home and change back into my childhood. Back when things seemed safe. When all my childhood dreams were still dreams and I felt some sort of hope for the future. Life wasn’t supposed to be this difficult when we dreamt of it back then. Who the hell rained on our parade? But I can change.

Accepting change is where I want to be. Gasping on to what has changed so far would begin that process. I know change happens. It’s reality. People die. Others go through divorces. People lose homes and jobs. And yet we all adapt to that change and carry on. It’s that human spirit that I need to summon, that’s lurking inside me, to make that change real.

I’m there.

I just need to realize that the change is there too.




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