October 11th, 2012
What am I doing? I think I am trying too much, too soon. I don't know what I am trying to gain by taking on so much in so little time. Life shouldn’t always be so difficult. Deep down you know others are going through their own heartaches but when the heartaches are being thrown at you on constant bases you can’t help but think that a black cloud is over your head.
I try to see the glimmer of hope. You know that silver lining, in my cloud, but damn it where is it? I think whatever sins I have done in my life , I should finally be covered. Or, at least I thought I would be.
When my son was hurt on the very boat I bought to forget about life for a while, from all our recent heartache, I couldn’t help but cuss it out while I held my son on the dock waiting for the ambulance to come thinking, that I didn’t deserve such pleasure a boat can bring.
“FUCK! Fuck that boat!” I shout, looking at it like it had a clue.
“Sir,” a voice says to me out of the chaos of my own misery.
“What! What! Did you call the ambulance? Did anyone call a God damn ambulance,” I shouted.
“Yes we called. Your truck and boat, let us take care of it for you. We’ll drive it all back to your house.”
“Man, I am sorry. Honestly I don’t give a shit,” I toss him the keys, “ take it all, all of it! I am done with it.”
In that moment of holding my son in my arms I did not think I deserve the peace and serenity such things should bring. Until I gazed off into the boat and saw my youngest son sleeping soundly on the back of the boats bench seat. It gave me pause. Through the pain of one child and the peace of the other, I had to believe there was a happy medium. That in this life, there had to be a way to find resoluteness in something called a pleasure craft.
But where do I find the peace? Definitely not through the trauma of my baby boy while cradling him in my arms. The memory of what I saw ingrained in my memory forever. How can I find the peace that my other son had as he slept through such disaster on the back of the boat?
Do I close my eyes and ignore life's troubles? But who wants to go through life blind?
In our moments of great despair we search for hope that will allow us to tolerate such horrific moments. Whether it's tragic events, a loss of a loved one or just having a bad day, you hope that people understand while you seek it out. But if you haven’t lived it, then you just don't trust that people will understand why someone continues to try and look for the good that allows the bad to recede in your memory, so forgiveness can begin to seep in.
Like a dam, peace and hope can be held back forcing you to have to endure the pain long term while the rest of what life has to offer backs-up into your senses and overloads your emotions causing it to effect those around you thus eluding the peace you so desire.
Like a dam, peace and hope can be held back forcing you to have to endure the pain long term while the rest of what life has to offer backs-up into your senses and overloads your emotions causing it to effect those around you thus eluding the peace you so desire.
And yet bad things happen to us all and most of us push through it. And even though we have proven to ourselves that we can accomplish acceptance through peace, we doubt who we are when tragedy revisits us. And there lies the demon:
The continuous infusion of bad news and tragic events that compounds the bad that is held back until the dam breaks. It prevents us the peace we sorely need but yet never seems to come and that failure to release magnifies all the little things that seem to be the reason why we are miserable and leaves us only able to hope that eventually it will come.
My boat was my savior. My window to some peace on the water so she could help me bathe my misery away in the oceans salty waves, cool breeze and beautiful sunshine. But I felt she disrupted my Nirvana by interrupting any discussions with God that I think I could have while I found relaxation in the ocean that would crack my shell, that is my dam, and begin to set me free. I felt betrayal as she took me down when I needed her the most preventing that dam from breaking. I couldn’t stomach looking at her as she waded in the water by the docks as I held my son in my arms while we both sobbed waiting for someone to rescue us. There is no peace in that.
Until I really looked at the boat and saw the peace she was bringing to my youngest son as he slept in her while she lightly rocked him back and forth keeping him a sleep shielding him from the sight of his brother dealing with such pain. She brought him the peace and serenity that I desire, while I dealt with the sad and tragic unfolding events of the now.
As a parent I'll sacrifice all my peace to allow my sons to be shielded from the realities of life even when life decides to spill over my dam and enter their world. Hopefully one day this dam will break releasing the pain that is being held behind it and a little bit of peace will over flow into me allowing us to enjoy the true happiness that we all desire without hoping to only shield them. Hopefully this boat is still the answer for our quality time together.
After all there nothing wrong with finding a little hope and peace in the deep blue sea to set you free.
As a parent I'll sacrifice all my peace to allow my sons to be shielded from the realities of life even when life decides to spill over my dam and enter their world. Hopefully one day this dam will break releasing the pain that is being held behind it and a little bit of peace will over flow into me allowing us to enjoy the true happiness that we all desire without hoping to only shield them. Hopefully this boat is still the answer for our quality time together.
After all there nothing wrong with finding a little hope and peace in the deep blue sea to set you free.
The Adventures of Captain Imperfecto/Born Again by Christopher P. Fusaro is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike 3.0 Unported License.
Based on a work at christopherfusaro.blogspot.com.
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