Sometimes I just zone out while life goes on around me. But in my trance I stay focused on the objects off in the distance as my pupils pick up the moving trees and squirrels just beyond my eyes reach and beyond my care of relevance.
My mind goes into the deep thought of my subconscious as wonderment swirls around into the base of cerebellum intertwining with my left and right hemisphere. I try to figure out where my life was, where my life is, and where my life is going. My eyes catch the tree branches sway in the light breeze and my brainwaves follow it, bouncing like a wooden baton in the hands of its conductor. My thoughts in synch of the beat like an orchestra but for me, in this moment, it’s out of tune.
There is a myriad of thoughts going on in my mind and I continue to look straight ahead. I suppose I am trying to ignore memories that force me to recall the past and I’m doing what I can to ignore those flashbacks, if even for a few minutes.
It’s not a good time to be vulnerable to my thoughts because my immune system is weak due to being sick. The sickness, this vulnerability, makes me more willing to succumb to my deep emotions. I can feel the tears well up in my eyes. And like an overflowing dam they release from my tear ducts and stream down my cheeks, contour my chin, where they re-pool and drip onto my lap.
My body is aching from the flu but I haven't accumulated enough time since my bereavement to take a day off. I'm left to suffer through the misery of a congested chest, lost voice and stuffy head. It's one of those days where your bed seems like the place to be long before you left your house behind to travel on your morning commute. Well, okay those are most days, but this day my bed is where I really, really, really want to be. The bed covers and pillow calling out to me. The linen is still warm from my body heat, the indentions from my body still in place. I refocus my eyes into the nothingness before me trying to forget what’s on my mind and the emotions coursing through my veins. I have to get it together.
I’m sitting in my car and I am about 1 football field away from that nothingness that has captivated me. I focus my vision deeper into the brick wall that is off in a distance. The red hues from the 2 x 2 concrete stones stand out, while I count the number of bricks that lay in a row. I constrict my retinal blood vessels even more causing disfigurement on my optical disc that are playing tricks on the internal working of my eyes. It forces blackness to shroud around my surroundings. My vision moves forward, quickly like a high octane action movie as my vision takes flight creating tunnel vision.
My surroundings that encompass my environment bend forming a telescope. I’m in a trance. My cylinder vision is fixated on its singular object. My mind starts to fade out the nonsense that has been dominating my thought process and making my sickness even more unbearable but now the pain is starting to subside. The thoughts dissipate in the receding waves of my thought process. In this moment I am free. Free from thought, from sickness, free from fear, and free of being trapped inside myself. I’m here in the present, but really my reality doesn't have to exist.
I’m out along the lines that form the bricks that are evenly distributed, stacked 60 high and 40 across. I'm strolling the smooth mortar that separates the other bricks by a half an inch from touching each other. I'm walking up the sturdy center, like stairs, to bring me to a higher place. I'm examining their tough outer shell as they stand together protecting the ones inside her masonry. I know I can use their sturdiness to rebuild again.
And as fast as I stayed focused forward, I am brought back to my beginning of the depths that make me who I am. Like those bricks I can stand strong and do my best to withstand any storm. Through this sickness, through this pain and through life's lessons, brick by brick.
https://twitter.com/FusaCmee
I’m out along the lines that form the bricks that are evenly distributed, stacked 60 high and 40 across. I'm strolling the smooth mortar that separates the other bricks by a half an inch from touching each other. I'm walking up the sturdy center, like stairs, to bring me to a higher place. I'm examining their tough outer shell as they stand together protecting the ones inside her masonry. I know I can use their sturdiness to rebuild again.
And as fast as I stayed focused forward, I am brought back to my beginning of the depths that make me who I am. Like those bricks I can stand strong and do my best to withstand any storm. Through this sickness, through this pain and through life's lessons, brick by brick.
https://twitter.com/FusaCmee
The Adventures of Captain Imperfecto/Born Again by Christopher P. Fusaro is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike 3.0 Unported License.
Based on a work at christopherfusaro.blogspot.com.
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