Shoulda, Coulda, Woulda

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August 23rd, 2012

Standing alone facing infinity, wishing for an end to slowly fade into sight so I know I'm okay. It's such a lonely feeling when the ones you love don't care. It makes you feel dead inside. The noise around me is the only thing that lets me know I am still alive. My feelings were lost long ago somewhere out there, numbing my pain, feeling no hurt I could cause to others, not willing to care.

I reach out into the thin air, but my hands flail around, grasping at nothing because there is nothing to hold. My strength keeps me planted at my base as I try to reinforce my foundation with a positive outlook and imagine that there is something real and meaningful to tell me, "Things are going to be alright."

The road to despair is a long journey that requires you to look deep within yourself. Believing that there is a reason for this, then laughing out loud because that belief is such bullshit. You have to fight. You have to swing. You have to let go to regain the once was, and maybe someday, it could be, before you start believing in the never will.

The never wills will haunt you. It allows you to never believe in yourself and forces you to stop confiding in the system you programmed in your mind, placed there by years and years of your "life's lessons." I don't want to stare out in a world that could've been, when it should've been, was up to me. Standing here and looking out into infinity leads me to believe I was never here and, therefore, never was.

The should-haves lead to regret, which leads to tearing you up inside. It's hard to swallow, and when you do, it cuts up your guts until you choke on the blood, reeling in your reality of what would have been and what never was because you failed to do what was right for you. Your talent is wasted, and you are left with the thought that you can never be what you were meant to be, but now, by your actions, you're faced with the possibility of a never-be.

Life can be confusing and lonely. And the should haves, would haves, and could haves intermingle with one another as you travel down your road of self-misery to face the emptiness of space. But deep down, if you believe in who you are, there should never be a has been or could've been, only a here I am, this is me; I can be who I want to be, and I am because that is all there ever was. I am me.

I am the one who made the should-haves into reality and the could-haves that were already done. I can be who you want me to be because I am already the person I want to be. I sacrificed to become the one thing I can rely on because if I can't rely on myself, then I can never be, a will be, and will suffer the consequences of being a never was.

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Christopher Fusaro. The author of Captain Imperfecto.

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