August 8th, 2012
I don't know you. And well, you can't tell me. But there is a reason why we were brought together. You may have stumbled upon my Blog, or it was recommended by someone who thought it might help you in your time of need. To know that you aren't alone. So, more than likely, we share one thing in common: loss or maybe some kind of tragedy in your lifetime that was traumatic and not necessarily a loss. Still, you connect with me in some way.
The hardest thing about losing someone is how real your loved one still feels, even in death. They are here in the flesh because their memory is still so strong in our hearts and minds. The most challenging part about having a traumatic experience is that no one understands the depths of the pain it has caused you and your family. Not even you can try to explain something so personal because someone else would rather pretend it's not a big deal. I was once told in a roundabout way- besides your loss, why is life so hard for you?
For people who haven't felt actual loss, or for some who decided to hide their feelings deep down within themselves so they won't ever have to look at it again, it's hard for them to fathom why so many of us grieve so profoundly and so painfully. Many people who haven't dealt with loss are happy not to be in our situation, and rightfully so. I'd never want anyone to feel this, but someday, unfortunately, they will.
The thing is, though, the ones who are not affected by the pain or the misery, like some of us, who are grieving the loss of a loved one, should not lose the compassion that they had in the days after they heard the news about the death or significant life-changing event. But the sad fact is, people will. Their compassion will wane significantly if your pain affects them, whether personally or professionally, and they will want you to move on and get over it.
Many of us would rather hide in our safe cocoon that protects us because nobody else around our daily life is quite sure how to deal with us who are dealing with trauma. We are handling trauma the best we can, and there is nothing anyone can do to help other than support those in need. Yet some cannot even offer that. Do they not care? But if people want to figure out a way to help in some capacity, then the way to accommodate us is to just try to be empathetic. Understand that the person is too weak and vulnerable to ask for help or too proud to reach out. By knowing who I am, then you should allow my process to progress and evolve until the conclusion of my pain and misery and be understanding. Because I don't even know when that final conclusion will come.
The will to overcome the obstacles seems insurmountable because I have not had time to calculate what my total loss represents. The future is dark. And when I do think, it is about the time before my loss and the outlook of the future. Anything else in between is blurred. My wife will be gone for five months this August 15th, and I can tell you that if it wasn't for this Blog and my personal notes, I couldn't tell you where the time went. I am trapped between March 15th and August 15th. Yesterday, it was March 15th for me.
These just aren't my feelings. I have received hundreds and hundreds of emails from readers like you who tell me the same thing. "People do not understand the feeling that I deal with, so I smile daily because it comforts them."
Even in loss or traumatic experiences, the person grieving supports those who do not know what to say. And at night, when we are left alone with our thoughts, reliving the good times that seem like yesterday and the day of the loss like it is happening now, our mood never changes. It is still in the same place it was when our lives were changed forever.
I long to stand on my own two feet. To be able to grieve for my loss and have a moment's rest or vacation to get away, but I know for now at least that is not going to happen. So, in the meantime, in the middle of my grief, I will smile for those who feel better when they think that I am doing just fine because, in the end, that is what comforts you. Hopefully, eventually, it will comfort me.
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Hello Chris...
ReplyDeleteWhat makes me come here to enjoy all your posts is simnply the fact that if people like you, who strugles everyday to overcome great tragedies and losses in their lives, manages to smile, to hang on and to be happy, it leaves me no choice but to quti being a whiner and be happy and greatful. We all have our own and personal tragedies but we have to be commited to happiness and your story, and posts helps me to honor this commitment.
This next sunday is Father´s Day down here in Brazil so.. I hope you can spend a GREAT day with your boys!
I will try Diana, thank you very much =)..
ReplyDeleteChris
Very, very well said!!
ReplyDelete