The Adventures of Captain Imperfecto : Trying to Find the Good

Friday, May 18, 2012

Trying to Find the Good

May 18th, 2012

What the hell is my problem? Why am I laid up like this? There are people out there with worse problems going on in their lives. Worse then mine. Yet, I am numb.

I have a good job, two beautiful children. All I have to do is get my shit together. But as much as I try I fail. My motivation gone by the way side. Discarded like trash without a second thought to it, until my mind goes back to look for it again.

Isn’t that how it always is with things you discard. You don’t know what you have until its gone.

I day dream of a life that is fulfilling. Much like someone would do in a dead end job, or sitting behind a desk not doing what they have been placed on this earth to do. My day dreaming is not about glamour or glitz. It’s about security, fun and fulfillment. Enjoying life’s simple pleasures. But how can you enjoy simple things when life is as complicated as you view it?

For me, my complication has to be change, yet I use to embrace change. I can feel normal one second but miserable the next. Its like a battle of my internal being fighting with my external self. The slightest difference in my environment can make me ornery. The anger that I have built deep within the confines of my bodies coffers seep out into my blood stream exploding like a TNT keg.

Think about whatever it is that annoys you as a living breathing existence rolled up into one and it’s teasing you . You try to ignore it, but then it eats at you. You turn your back but its still there. Covering your ears doesn’t help because it’s stuck in your mind. Trying to divert your attention to something better is useless because its always there.

My reminders are everywhere. They don’t annoy me in a bad way, they annoy me by stimulating sorrow within my conscious by having me remember a time when life seemed simple. When I walk down my hallway I have four family pictures to my right that speak to me. To my left I have large wedding picture that stares at me. I walk into my bathroom and there are different types of body wash that live in the shower.

They give my senses reminders of a person that had a life. But I can not throw it all away to begin anew.

I know this will never change. Reminders of the past can be good. It is always easier to remember times that gratify the mind then to reminisce about the bad that will drag you further down into the abyss. But it is how you pull your self out of the abyss that will define your character for years to come, so its better to have the bad with the good because they work in tandem.

If the bad is already there then there is nothing you can do to rid yourself of the stench other then to wash yourself in the body wash of the one you once loved because the smell will put a smile on your face reminding you of the good times you once had. That’s what I focus on.

Thinking that way about the good will allow my self to roll with the punches. Even though it can be difficult when you continually feel like your being jabbed in the sides and upper cut to the face. Your emotions continue to take the pounding and you feel you are truly alone. Between the punches you grab your opponent. Wrapping your weary arms around his shoulders as if your hugging them, begging them to slow it down but mainly so you can breath for a few seconds as you look to the people in your corner hoping they will throw in the towel, your life line, but there is no one there to show you mercy. Leaving you alone to fight this one on your own.

Finding simple pleasures is the only way to make life tolerable to overcoming the feeling of being beat up. The sip of a good wine, a good book, funny movie, the escape from the reality of the present. Even if its zoning out in your favorite chair or a long car ride. It is the only time to reason with yourself. You are your truest friend. You know yourself like no other.
　　
“Breath, reflect, conquer. Think how far you’ve come in life. Push away the negativity. You have two great kids. Two dogs. A job. Health. Push through this. I’m strong. I am a willing participant of life and need to get this together.” I try to tell myself by convincing my mind it will get better. Or is it my mind trying to convince me?

I can remind my self of this everyday but I always find myself on my knees trying to do the impossible by picking up my shattered past. Like a broken mirror the pieces are scattered about. How am I to reflect on what I just lost when the image is in pieces before my very eyes? No amount of glue or tape will fix this.

Only the strong survive but the strong will bleed all the same as the jagged pieces of glass penetrate their fragile skin in their attempt to rebuild it. My only option is to sweep it up and throw it away. But for now I’d rather step on it then clean it up, shredding my feet and thus enhancing my pain. Even though I know it does me no good to act in such a reckless manner.

All wounds heal themselves with time, but how do you heal when if feels this deep. For those who accomplish this feat must truly be one with adversity. I have had adversity in my life and over come it. Fighting for every inch of what I have without having to look in my corner, however now I’m doing just that when I know I have to guard my sides and protect my own head guarding myself from the barrage of punches.

I have to get my own dust pan and broom and clean up this glass rather then cut myself trying to piece together something that will not be the same even if the mirror was fixed because the reflection will just distort the image of what the truth really is, gone.

I know the good is deep within me and I have to find it. The search party is out in my mind, body and soul and It’s trying to reach me by telling me it will be okay.

The good is in my children. The good is the love they share with me through their laughter and in their embrace when they tell me “I love you daddy.” The good is having a life worthy of sharing it with others. The good is in my health and the ability to breath and see a new day. The good is the ability to provide help to those who otherwise can not help themselves.

The good is there somewhere, deep down inside the human being that is me, I just have to find it.

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