Left to right: Nico mimicking Christopher who fell asleep.
November 28th, 2012
Many of us have stood in the middle of a broken reality and racked our brains by searching our memory, trying to figure out how we got to this point. Our future ends as we are forced towards the cliff's ledge by our distress. The fall is deep, and we won't emotionally make it once we are sent over the ledge.
The past has closed its gap to our reality because our grief makes us so stagnate that we are unable to run forward in an attempt to extend the playing field into the future and start to push back at our past. You live, and you learn to move forward.
I've been told we shouldn't look back, anyhow. We always move forward in the face of adversity. Still, as the squeeze of hopelessness edges us closer and closer to the edge of defeat, we are forced off our perch of safety and have no choice but to wing it and find our way to survive or simply give in and fail.
What if I no longer have the strength or the will to move past this point? I can look back and try to learn from my life, but like looking in a mirror, I may not like what I see. The lessons I have learned in my lifetime should have prepared me for the tests that I have yet to face, and yet it is those unlearned lessons that I am the most unprepared for despite what I have gone through in the past. The actual test of time will make or break me in the future. I can not be afraid to learn from it and move on.
Life must know humans won't go willingly over the point of no return to meet an end that does not make sense to us. We humans will grab hold of its energy and use the momentum it has inflicted on our body, heart, and mind to force it back and use its own adversity against itself. That life's attempt to hand down its judgment will not go unnoticed, and we as humans will fight before it can send us spiraling toward disaster.
When we find ourselves standing on the remains of a travesty and while the chaos is still swirling about us, we have to think fast and have the power to press on by moving our feet away from the standing water instead of giving up to defeat and drowning in our sorrows.
We should not attempt to salvage the past but continue learning from it. In this test of living and learning, we should have the guts to grab some lighter fluid and light our misery on fire. Let the past burn and the ashes rise towards the heavens. Allow the white heat to sear through our slow-moving blaze of destruction. A smoldering trail that we can follow away and redirect us from the ledge and into a different present to start a new history. Like walking on hot coals to show ourselves that we can overcome fear, we should walk tall toward greener pastures to quench our thirst and replenish our needs to have the courage to start anew.
If you keep telling yourself that the fields of green will heal us, will it work? Does trying to convince ourselves that the grass is greener on the other side reassure you that moving on isn't so bad because we left the past for greener pastures? Would it be okay to start a new life away from the one we lived in without forgetting where we came from? What if the past was better where I stood so stagnate for so long, paralyzed in fear from the thought of a new beginning? What if the damn grass isn't greener?
Sorrow and loss is a motherfucker. Sometimes, I am so tired and feel so emotionally done while trying to figure out how to rebuild myself from the smoldering ruins around me. The charred remnants that once were a glorious place of our majestic livelihoods look too far gone to salvage. How do you take those first few steps toward redemption? Where do you begin? How do you motivate yourself to make it right? Where did it go so wrong? I was living, but it didn't seem like I was learning because it didn't seem like I could answer those questions. So, I am failing this test.
I was never one for school. I hated almost everything about it. I learned from hard knocks and life lessons, or so I thought I knew. I got through my academics, but I failed somewhere in life. But isn't that alright? Humans aren't made to be perfect. We fail before we can succeed. Humans are supposed to share hopes, dreams, and emotions with others so others can learn from their mistakes, thus pushing us further away from our past.
But now I reflect on who I have loved in the past and what those relationships have taught me. I learned the love I shared made everything alright. You know you are passing the test because your heart is supposed to palpitate, and the vibes transcend through your touch as you gently caress the face of a loved one. Your fingertips' vibrations cause the person you love to tremble from your touch. I passed because I felt that my love was being distributed to another.
I know now that love moves us forward and away from the cliff. Love lets us show compassion and helps us heal our wounds. As I look back at my life, I have lived and learned because I have loved, and that love is enough to pass all the tests that come from here on out.
My past is where I was. My future is something that I can still see, and my life is still filled with love because love helps me blaze a better path. Now, I am wiser because I have lived and am learning.
1,000 words
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The Adventures of Captain Imperfecto/Born Again by Christopher P. Fusaro is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike 3.0 Unported License.
Based on a work at christopherfusaro.blogspot.com.
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