I decided to tell this story because it was a pivotal loss we had between losing the twins and the birth of our oldest son, Nico. It was a trying time for her and me. That period tested everything our relationship was about and everything it would be. We were desperate to heal ourselves and try to replace the loss we suffered on that terrible October morning in 2006 when we suffered a double loss of twins the morning we were scheduled to give birth. Mimie was very strong, but strength can only last so long.
I struggled with whether it was ethical to document what Mimie wrote in her private journal about privacy and the need to know. Still, I felt deep down that people should know her struggles, especially women. Women should know that they aren't alone in their difficulties trying to conceive and that a lot of women and couples go through this. I can write from memory, but Mimie would want people to know what happens from a woman's heart. Excerpts from her journal are unchanged and are true to her feelings. Just because Mimie is gone does not mean she should remain silent for eternity. Her life mattered.
-cpf
There is Always Time: Get Us off The Rollercoaster
PART V
With the looming appointment days away, I did my best to relieve our stress. We would go out to dinner and catch a movie. It was in our minds, yet we never spoke of it. I was getting so frustrated with the medical message boards on the internet that I stopped reading them all together. There are so many people with different reasons why their gestational sac wasn't developing that it was hard to pinpoint what the hell our problem was...
I would never recommend that anyone review those internet messaging boards; there is just no way to know what is going on in an individual's body. Instead of Googling "Sac not developing," I should have Googled "hope." That is all you are looking for among the feed of lines that people place on those sites.
In the end, it only depresses you more, knowing that there is so much angst out there from people who just want to have a baby.
A few days before our appointment, the doctor's office would call Mimie with her blood results from the blood drawn the week before.
Mimie journaled:
"We can have a D & C procedure, which is a surgical procedure that is essentially an abortion =( or we can wait for a miscarriage to just happen @ any point when the body figures out the pregnancy isn't viable…I didn't go to work yesterday b/c [because] I thought I'd have a call about the blood work. I told my boss I was waiting for the call. She said if I can't be in by noon take a TO day. Finally, the doc called @ 5:25 PM yesterday with w/my blood results. He said the HCG level was good, @ 13,000. Good what? I didn't understand. I asked what week would I be in @ 13,000 and he said 6. He said more than likely it's a miscarriage due to the irregular shape (per the tech) sac and 120 yolk sac."
Finally, the day had arrived. It was the following Friday after we found out that the Gestation Sac was not a circumference. We were on pins and needles. Amazing how stressed you can feel about something beyond your control. That only adds to it.
We entered the same room we had been in the previous time. Mimie assumes the same position. I am to her left, and the technician is to her right, looking at the screen as she begins her ultrasound.
It's deja vue all over again.
"Well," the tech says, "it is a circle now, so that is good. And there is a yolk in the sac, which is another good thing."
Mimie and I smile. I close my eyes and breathe in deep. I'm hoping for good things for Mimie because I don't want her to feel sad anymore. We need this. She needs this.
"I think this is the heartbeat," she says as she broadcasts the thumping sound on the speakers that are installed in the sonogram machine. "You think," I ask; the whole time, I wonder where she was trained?
"The fetus is pretty close to one of the main blood vessels. I can't tell if that is the heartbeat or her heartbeat. But I do believe I see a 'flicker of light.'
Referring to the blood passing through the heart.
The sonogram is a device that sends ultrasound waves into the body that, in turn, returns an image to the screen for viewing. It's a suitable, non-evasive procedure that doesn't require cutting into the body to view an illness. As the heart beats in the fetus, the ultrasound returns the image like a candle; it is seen as it flickers.
We leave with little confidence in our technician, but not before she tells us to make another appointment for the Monday after next. So, for the third week in a row, we will be returning to view the young seed that seems to need more time to grow. And we need more hope, but we have been here before. I know there isn't a damn thing we can do. We are doomed. Deep down, I am sad for her. Am I putting too much pressure on her to conceive?
"Man, Mimie, "I said, "Will never make an appointment this early again. This back and forth is fucking ridiculous. It's hard to live like this."
Mimie nodded her head in agreement, "I know. Yes, it's a good fetus. No, it's a bad fetus. It is crazy."
Even though we weren't one hundred percent sure this was a successful pregnancy, there was still hope since the sac had formed into a circle, a fetal pole was seen, and there was a possible heartbeat offering us a "flicker" of hope. We decided to go to breakfast and enjoy the little good news we received.
We went to the mall just down the street from the doctor's office. Inside the mall is a small restaurant that has a pretty good breakfast. It was quiet for a Friday, and we could sit right down.
"So what did you think?" picking Mimie's brain about the appointment.
"Well, she didn't give me a whole lot of confidence. I know that much." she paused as the waitress came over to ask us what we wanted to drink.
Mimie ordered water, and I had an orange juice. The mall had a Starbucks, so we would get our latte fix after breakfast.
"I think we just made our doctor appointment too early. Maybe we should have waited a few weeks." Mimie said, resuming our conversation after our waitress left.
"Could be. But not knowing if the heartbeat was part of the baby doesn't give me a whole lot of confidence. Especially in that damn tech," I told Mimie as I fiddled with the small cardboard advertisement placed on the table promoting their Early Bird dinner specials.
"I'm happy, though; it could be worse. There could've been nothing there, but I can't stand this constant up and down." Mimie agreed.
It's true. This emotional rollercoaster was taking a toll on us both. There are only so many times you can ride it before getting motion sickness. And then, finally, just throwing up.
We were both ready to leave this amusement ride line and never return. It wasn't fun anymore.
We'd think about how all the reckless people in the world who can get pregnant, but yet, we had to struggle. I guess everyone who has had difficulty getting pregnant before and after us feels the same way.
It reminded me of a situation that occurred after I returned to work in December of 2006 after taking nearly two months of leave to mourn the loss of our children.
I had just gotten promoted right before I was to go on maternity leave for the birth of the twin girls. I was only in my new position for about six weeks when the tragedy occurred.
Before getting promoted, I had good seniority in my old position and could choose my fate, day or night shifts. However, when I return to work on December 3rd, I go directly to the night shift. It sucks to get promoted, but since you have no seniority, you return to the bottom of the barrel. It was like starting all over again.
The administration placed a new officer with me to train. I didn't mind then because nights can get lonely on patrol. At least I wouldn't be alone with my thoughts. I could concentrate on teaching the new guy.
One night, while we were on patrol, I noticed a car parked towards the rear of a closed business. It was about 3 AM, and it was odd for any vehicle to be in the parking lot of a closed business so late. Not only was it strange for the time, but the driver of the suspicious car parked in a place that was just begging for it to be checked out by the police.
The vehicle was parked in the rear of the building. Clearly, if there are any occupants, they are trying to hide out of view. Still, it could be more inconspicuous because it could be seen from the primary roadway. The small compact car was in the last parking space and partially in the dark. The glimmer of light from a parking lot lamp post reflected off the rear tail light. This reflection caught my attention, but not the rookie officer's attention.
"Did you see that?" I asked my trainee.
He was a short, stocky man. Clean-shaven, bald head. He was strong, and I wouldn't want to mess with him if I had to confront him on the street if I were a bad guy.
"See what?" He asked.
"Okay, going back," I said, annoyed.
I make a quick U-turn in the police car and return to the plaza with the single vehicle parked in it. Before tuning in from the main street, I turned off the main car headlights. I utilized my police radio and notified them I would be out with a suspicious vehicle.
121 (My Radio ID) Palms West (dispatch)
Palms West: Go ahead, 121
121: I will be out with a 13V (suspicious car) and 13P (suspicious person) to the rear of the Professional Plaza.
Palms West: 10-4, 121 (message acknowledged)
I park the patrol car back and away from the occupied vehicle. My trainee and I quietly exit the car.
We close our doors by gently applying pressure into the door jam with our hips like a hip checking the door. Once we hear the click of the door, the sound of the mechanism finds the steal latch attached to the car's body, and the door is secured.
We both approach the suspicious car. I take the driver's side, and my trainee walks on the passenger side. When I get close enough to the car, I can see inside. None of the car windows were tinted, making it easy to see the ongoings of a struggle inside.
I removed my 24,000 candle power mag light from its holster to light up the inside passenger compartment of the car.
The bright light would shine on a reality of life that is more common than some think. And total bullshit to come across after what Mimie and I just went through. It made me question my faith in God and the process of natural selection.
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