October 25, 2021
I died 5 times. I’m
sure of it. I mean come on, deja vu is legit and I have experienced it but man,
it’s been on serious repeat. I’m sitting in my car reliving this very moment
once again, I’m sure of that. It’s an out of body experience and I have counted
5 times that I have looked upon myself in a horrific deadly state.
The first time I died,
I was sitting here in my car. Same spot. Same place. Same faces. Same sounds.
My head was down buried in my phone reading some article. The music plays and I
pause and listen to some of the familiar lyrics that cause me to reminisce
about a time and place. Then I go back to my phone and fiddle around. In and
out of apps. On and off websites. Cruising the same sites, like if it were in a
familiar bar. A figure of a human stands to the side of my driver’s side
window. From where I stand, I can’t tell who this person is and I try to walk
in front of him or her to see their face but I can’t seem to walk around this,
figure.
“Get out of my way!” I
shout. “Hey, hey,” I wave my arms. Nothing. No reaction. I decide to get my own
attention. “Hey!”, I yell as loud as I can. “Look up! Get off your phone.
Look to your left,
dummy. Look! Look!”
But I don’t.
I sit there lost in
the content of my phone. If I would just look up! Just see what I see! Look!
Look! The shadowy figure raises his hand and points a gun toward me. Oh no, I
won’t look up. Why won’t I look up?! The gun is focused directly on me. I see
the shadowy figure squeeze the trigger. There’s a flash! It’s so bright. The
gun muzzle shines orange like the sun. And then there’s blackness. I raise and
see myself, dead. Silence. And then I’m here again. Same place. Same car. Same
time.
The second time I saw
myself die, I’m at the same place, at the same time, in the same car. However,
this time I was standing outside my car. Which is weird because it’s too damn
hot to be outside. I was leaning my torso across the hood of my car. On the
others side was a friend of mine. The football game was over, and we were
discussing the events of the game. The shadow figure appears from the behind
me. Walking fast. His hands were in his pockets. His pace increases. My friend
doesn’t see him. At least I don’t think he does. But he’s looking in that
direction. Why isn’t he alerting me? I decide that I would intervene. I can’t
witness myself being killed again.
“Stop!” I shout. I run
toward this shadowy figure. I have to help myself if no one else can. My
friend. He isn’t doing shit. He’s talking sports to me. Shut up! Warn me! I
bolt towards the figure. But I can’t move. What the hell is going on with me?
My feet won’t budge. I grab my left knee and lift. But it’s as if I’m in
hardened cement.
“Turn around dummy!
Turn!” What’s on his hands. The figure has a knife! The street glistens of the
steel. He raises it up over his head. Like a baseball pitcher in a windup and
is prepared to plunge into me. And I can’t stop it! Hover, witness my death,
darkness.
On to death number 3.
Two times of death and it was hard to witness. I’m prepared to stop
the third one this time. There I am. Same place. Same car. Same music. Same
crap. This time, while sitting in my car, there’s a laptop open on a computer
stand. It’s turned on and I’m scrolling through the pages on the browser, while
life passes me by. What do I care? My life is going on here. In these internet
pages. I’m consumed with the information even though it is overwhelming my conscience
to the point I am blocking out what’s around me. Death is back again. I decide
to do nothing to help myself. I mean am I this dumb? What’s the point of
helping myself if I haven’t learned? Let it come. Go get me. “Get him,” I shout
to the shadowy figure. I don’t move. The figure doesn’t acknowledge me. He or
she walks right on past. The computer is casting such a bright light inside the
car. The lights glare is washing everything out around me. I think this time I
see a flamethrower. A flamethrower? What the hell is
wrong with this dude? And how the hell don’t I notice a flamethrower being
directed right towards me? I think to myself “you deserve this, dumbass”.
This has to be torture. I’m at death number 4. Who cares at this point? I mean do I have immortality. I must because I can’t explain what’s happening to me. I’m pissed because I’m allowing this to happen to myself. And I have a front row seat to my own destruction. Like clockwork here comes the shadowy figure. It doesn’t even lurk in the blackness. It comes out. Like thin air and charges right towards my car. I can’t explain it. Maybe it hates the music I’m listening to? Or the technology I’m consumed with? Could it be sports that it hates? Who knows other than death is coming again. And yet again, I don’t do a thing. Let it come. Let me go. Let it rear its ugly head again.
Boring. I died again. Number 5. It’s the same story. You read about it 4 other times. Probably 4 times too many. Almost like deja vu. Isn’t it? Time to break the cycle. Move on. Get going. You have a chance to live again. So, live it. Life is going on around you. I’ve died 5 times. Instead of watching myself die I walked away from my old self and learned to live on my own and discover that their may be new things out there than seeing the same old thing.
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