The facts below are based on actual events at a car dealership. Names and situations have been changed and altered.
The King and Queen had ordered the greatest chariot made. The vehicle was fit for a royal family. They wanted the safest mode of transportation for their tiny little boys to usher them around their kingdom. Their servants worked daily to accommodate all their wishes and find them a quality car. They decided to use Nissan as their official chariot provider. The king and queen were delighted.
The royal shuttle was long and tall. It seated eight people comfortably for their extensive travel rides to nearby kingdoms where they would dine with another commonwealth. They loved to show off their cab. The chariot had only the finest leather made from the hides of cows that grazed in fields of golden oats. The oats made the skin of the gentile animals shine.
Along with the kids, they would have a Bose player with them who would play the flute. The music would fill the cabin and soothe the minds of all inside. The royal chariot was always ready to take the family out and about.
But tragically, their family fun was short-lived when the queen fell ill and would later pass away. Her death left the king to raise their minor children alone, on his own. The king was devastated at the idea his young princes’ would be without their mom.
Death of one of his own loved ones wasn’t an easy concept to accept for a man of his stature. The loss of his wife was the one thing he could not control in his kingdom. He would realize that death would eventually come to everyone. And there was nothing he could do to prevent it.
The months passed since she passed, and the king did what he could to maintain normalcy for his children. As a family, they sought comfort in the chariot that his wife so dearly loved. It was the only materialistic thing the queen wanted to hold on to. The king and his boys used the chariot for all their getaways. Until the day the chariot broke down.
The flute player could no longer play. The specialized vents that sucked in the outside air and cooled the interior of the cart stopped functioning. The rear window that allowed for safe backing of the chariot was broken. The king sent out word for anyone who could fix his fantastic ride. Instead, he would fix it close to his kingdom rather than travel far away. He wasn’t very car savvy but knew it wouldn’t be much to fix. So, he sent out word by his messengers to have anyone come to his castle with an idea of who could fix it.
Soon after word got out about the king's offer, one of his loyal servants knocked on the king's stately door.
“Sire,” the king's loyal servant said.
“Enter; what is it, Johansson? I am busy writing new proclamations and told you not to bother me.”
“Yes, King, but I thought you’d want to know that a man is here. He says he knows of a place that can fix your chariot.”
The king quickly stood up from his chair. “Well, what are you standing here for? Let him in, Jo!”
The king rushed to his throne. Usually, he makes those who wish to speak with the king wait while his servants prepare him for any meeting. The king has a reputation for upholding dignitaries, common people, and his enemies. He wants to be bathed and clean-shaven. He wants his royal clothes to be neat and fresh. The jewels on his crown must be polished and ideally set on his head. The process could take hours before anyone would kneel down before royalty. But there would be none of that today.
The king rushed from his office without securing his future proclamation. He hurriedly passed by his bounty of paintings and sculptures his men had captured and given to him as gifts from lands they invaded. He just wanted to meet this man.
“Your royal highness, may I present to Ekron, a commoner of the Northlake district.”
Ekron entered the large golden doors and walked the long halls that would open into a grand ballroom. Before him sat the King. Ekron was a frail man. He walked with a hunch. His mouth is slightly open because he is a mouth breather. His eyes were heavy, but he remained focused on the king. He went to one knee as he arrived at the stairs leading up to the king’s throne.
“Your majesty, I come with great news. I answered the call you sent out looking for anyone to fix your ailing chariot.”
The king looked down on this man and slowly rose from his seat. The king was still wearing his evening attire. He walked down the eight steps until he stood before his subject.
“Do rise, Ekron. Tell me what you know.”
“The Snakelton Nissan, sire.” Ekron looked up at him. His left eye was cloudy. His hair began to show signs of thinning, starting with a complete bald spot at the back of his head. He was a man beaten down by life.
“Who is this Snakelton Nissan? And why haven’t I heard of him before?”
“Sire, the Snakelton fixes Nissan Chariots. It’s located just 3870 steps beyond your great walls, just beyond the Blue Heron Boulevard West in the Kingdom of Riviera Beach (33404). They can fix it, your majesty. And the good thing, sire, is that it’s not as far away from your kingdom as the other Nissan dealerships.”
“You are sure of this honesty, Ekron?”
“Oh yes, my lord. They are honest. They would never prey on unsuspecting people looking to fix their chariot. Especially a king.”
Ekron was sincere in his eyes, but he could not hide his smirk. It was a discontent for the king. His smirk is a sign the king would generally see. Still, the king wanted his chariot fixed so severely that he never paid any mind to his inner signals of trickery. Getting his royal van fixed was important to him and his children.
“Prepare my royal luggage for travel,” the King announced to his servants as he walked away from Ekron,
“Do be careful of the Snakelton Nissan,” Ekron said. He said it in such a whisper that nobody could hear in a quiet room. As the king retired into his chambers, the loud closing of the doors echoed throughout the room. The banging noise was only to be drowned out by Ekron's laughter.
The chariot was loaded with everything a king would need to travel. He left his princes’ behind. He did not want them to ride in a broken vehicle. He wanted the ride fixed for their safety. Besides, he wasn’t sure who this Snakelton was and wanted to meet him.
“Take me to this Snakelton Nissan,” the king commanded his driver. “It’s just beyond the great I-95 roadway, 3870 steps from the kingdom of the Blue Heron Boulevard West in the Kingdom of Riviera Beach (33404).”
After a fortnight, the king would arrive. The king was weary but determined after his long ride, but he was determined to fix his chariot. The people of Snakeleton came out of the woodwork to greet the King. Their fake smiles were so broad their mouth would extend from ear to ear. But they spoke with a hiss to their voice. They seemed caring and loving and assured the king that his chariot would be fixed. They knew the king expected the people of the Snakelton to fix his chariot up to the Nissan standards.
[Music]
[Everyone sings]
“Welcome, King, and thanks for bringing your van to the Snakelton Nissan!”
“We know you think you’ve thought of everything you can to make sure we don't screw you here at the Snakelton.”
[The people of Snakelton dance around the king as they hold hands]
“But will pretend you don’t know much about your chariot and charge you more than any other dealer.”
[The king tunes out their singing while he indulges in their sweet food and coffee]
“We’re the Snakelton and will screw you if we can.”
“We’re the Snakelton and will screw you if we can.”
[The king smiles and dances, oblivious to their lyrics. He is just excited to get his chariot fixed]
“We’re the Snakelton! And we will screw you…. And will screw you…and will screw you…because we can.”
[The group heads out as the singing begins to fade until the last salesman leaves and turns back and shouts]
“Then we'll deny.”
Door slams
The king was thrilled. He longed for his chariot to work correctly. He knew he’d be in good hands. The Snakelton Nissan wouldn’t purposely screw him and his kids. Even if they can!
“Okay, my Grace. The chariot has an issue,” a Snakelton said.
“What is it,” the king asked.
“Well, your Grace, it will cost you $5,000 gold shillings to fix your most wonderful ride.”
“What,” the king said in disbelief.
“Yes, sire,” he said with a hiss, “ you must buy all new parts for your chariot, as we don’t sell them separately.”
“But you’re licensed through Nissan,” the king said.
“Yes, but there is something about your chariot, sire. It’s different from the rest of Nissan chariots out there. So we must charge you what we’re being told by the Snakelton Nissan parts department.”
“Yes, lad, but I can find these parts elsewhere at any other Nissan dealership. You’re the closest to my kingdom. I’m relying on your honesty and goodwill towards me to take care of my family. You cannot overcharge me for a simple repair! It is probably a fuse for godsakes!”
The Snakelton withered at the deep voice of the king, but he was not dismayed. He knew the king was limited and pushed the limits even more.
“Your Grace, I shall go speak with the service manager. I will protest such an evil pricing. I have not seen such overpricing in all my years at Snakelton Nissan. I won’t be but a moment.”
The king paced around. He could not understand the audacity the people of Snakelton had trying to fool a king. He had traveled 3870 steps from his kingdom to the Blue Heron Boulevard West and reached the Kingdom of Riviera Beach. The King knew that although he could travel to the Kingdom of Sunrise to fix his chariot, he’d rather stay close to his home.
“I’m sorry, your Grace, but we must stick to our $5,000.00 gold shilling estimate. You see, we cannot order the vents separately. Your flute player is blown, and the backup window is no good. We have to give you all the new parts. It is not a simple fix.”
The king was calm because one doesn’t become a king by being emotional.
“You must be mistaken, my dear Snakelton. I shall get a new estimate on my chariot. And if you are wrong, you will have to deal with me later. After all, if you are screwing me, the King, how many other people have you screwed over?”
“Yes, my King. Good luck, though, because we are bigger than your kingdom, and no one will bother to listen to you,” the Snakelton proclaimed.
The king rode his chariot to the Kingdom of Sunrise for forty days and forty nights. He found a little auto shop called Lord Bob of Bob’s Auto Service there.
“My king, I have fixed your problems for $200.00 in gold shillings.”
“How can this be? Did you use certified Nissan parts? The Snakelton was adamant that I had to pay $5,000.00 gold shillings.”
“Yes, your Grace. You must beware of the Snakelton. They are dishonest. They are known to give bad repair service.”
“Well, Lord Bob. I informed the Snakelton that I would be back if I found the work for far less than what they charged me. To be sure, you fixed everything like the venting system for $100.00 in gold shillings, which Snakelton said would cost $1,800.00 in gold shillings?”
“Oh, yes, your Grace.”
“You fixed my flute player radio that the Snakelton said would cost over $900.00 in gold shillings for only $50.00 in gold shillings.”
“Yes, Your Majesty.”
“You also fixed my rear window. So it acts like a backup camera for $50.00 in gold shillings when the Snakelton wanted to charge me over $900.00 in gold shillings?
“Yes, my king.”
“Very well, Lord Bob, I knight you in honor of your honesty. And as for the Snakelton Nissan, I proclaim them to be dishonest. I shall post for all the world to see this proclamation by my kingdom:
“To the people of my Kingdom, do not travel 3780 steps outside the kingdom to Snakelton Nissan, Blue Heron Boulevard West in the kingdom of Riviera Beach. For they are dishonest and not accountable for their $5,000.00 overcharge to fix my chariot. So, I fixed it elsewhere for under $200.00 using certified Nissan parts. I advised the Snakelton of their overpricing, and they still didn’t give…well... give a shit about their customers or how bad they wanted to screw over the king. BEWARE, Beware of the Snakelton because they'll screw you if they can. Your King share take them to the gallows soon enough.”
The Nissan names, logos, and slogans are trademarks owned by or licensed to Nissan Motor Co. Ltd. and/or its North American Subsidiaries.
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