Nico on Christmas morning 2013
January 15, 2014
I deserve to be happy, damn it. We all do. So why can’t I accept the happiness that comes into my life, now? I have been contemplating this happiness issue for months. The one thing I can pluck from my mind is that a part of me is afraid that when there is any kind of good that will give me pleasure, some asshole will pull the rug from under my feet and “splat!” right on the damn ground I go. Figuratively speaking obviously, but with the way my luck has been running the past seven years it’s easy to envision Lucy holding that fucking football waiting to pull it away from me, Charlie Brown, so I can fall right on my ass! The anticipation of failure can take so much out of me it has to be killing my happiness but I feel like I’m just not allowed to have it. Sad.
Right now however, my mind is filled with happiness. But somewhere lurking in my brains’ subconscious, the little voice is whispering in my ear, sweet little swear words. The voice is telling me:
“Chris, enjoy the f—king moment. Will it last? Who knows?”
Are all of us human beings built like this? I won’t fake happiness for others. What you see is what you get. But my very real, very genuine smile on my face does scare me. I can’t be the only one so damn complicated when happiness is found, can I?
Happiness is pleasure. Pleasure, can be family. Or a good glass of wine. There’s pleasure in savoring a bite of your favorite food. Making your future children is always fun. Those are just some of the things that bring me happiness.
Life has kicked me when I’ve been down many times, lately. The blow from life feels like a low kick right square in the balls. It’s no wonder I’m leery about my happiness surviving within me. Maybe, I’m just sabotaging the joy by stabbing any joy I have right in the fucking heart. Geez, this is totally unhealthy.
Some of the pain in life I brought on myself. And other times the pain came right out of left field without any warning. Without any prodding. Without any attempt to bring such heartache into my direction. It’s as if the force of displeasure is a damn H-bomb destroying my world!
The good thing is that I hate to lose. And when life gets me down I do get “back on the horse” to compete again. Maybe I just want to challenge myself on a daily bases. Am I freaking masochistic? I just like the pain? This is a god awful challenge for me if this is a test of will.
I want to learn to accept this happiness. Have you ever been truly happy, seriously? I mean not a lifetime or a month or a week of happiness. I just mean in the moment. Why can’t we all be happy, all the time, like we are in that moment of good movie that makes you smile?
“Hi my name is Christopher. I would like to say that I’m happy in this very moment. I want to express to you that I will embrace this happiness with an open mind so I will ignore my inner voice. I won’t kill this feeling. I announce to you that this moment is mine. It will last within me because I wont sell myself short of anything less when I deserve to be happy. Don’t we all?”
