May 31st, 2012
I decided to tell this story because it was a pivotal loss we had between losing the twins and the birth of our oldest son, Nico. It was a trying time for her and I. That stretch of time tested everything our relationship was about and everything it was going to be. We were desperate to heal ourselves and try to replace the loss we suffered on that terrible October morning in 2006 when we suffered a double loss of twins the morning we were scheduled to give birth. Mimie was very strong but strength can only last so long.
I struggled with documenting what Mimie wrote in her private journal between privacy and the need to know, but I felt deep down that people should know her struggles, espeically women. Women should know that they aren't alone with their difficulties trying to concieve and that a lot of women, and couples, go through this. I can write from memory, but Mimie would want people to know what happens from a woman's heart. Excerpts from her journal are unchanged and are true to her feelings.
-cpf
Theres Always Time: Get Us off The Rollercaoster
PART V
With the looming appointment days away I did my best to relieve our stress. We would go out to dinner and catch a movie. All the while, it was in the back of our mind, yet we never spoke of it. I was getting so frustrated with the medical message boards on the internet that I stopped reading them all together. There are so many people with different reasons why their gestational sac wasn’t developing, that it was hard to pin point what the hell our problem was...
I would never recommend anyone to review those internet messaging boards, there is just no way to know what is going on in an individuals body. Instead of Googling “Sac not developing” I should have Googled “hope.” Because that is really all your looking for among the feed of lines that people place on those sites.
In the end it only depresses you more knowing that there is so much angst out there from people who just want to have a baby.
A few days prior to our appointment the doctors office would call Mimie with her blood results from the blood that was drawn the week before.
Mimie would write:
"We can have a D & C procedure, which is a surgical procedure that is essentially an abortion =( or we can wait for a miscarriage to just happen @ any point when the body figures out the pregnancy isn’t viable…I didn’t go to work yesterday b/c [because] I thought id have a call about the blood work. I told my boss I am waiting for the call. She said if I cant be in by noon to take a TO day. Finally rhe doc called @ 5:25 pm yesterday w/my blood results. He said the HCG level was good, @ 13,000. Good what? I didn’t understand. I asked what week would I be in @ 13,000 and he said 6. He said more than likely it’s a miscarriage due to the irregular shape (per the tech) sac and 120 yolk sac.”
Finally the day had arrived it was he following Friday after we found out that the Gestation Sac was not a circumference. We were on pins and needles. Amazing how stressed you can feel about something that is not in your control. I think that only adds to it.
We enter into the same room we were in last time. Mimie assumes her same position. I am to the left of her and the technician is to her right, looking at the screen as she begins her ultra sound.
Its deja vue all over again.
“Well”, the tech says “ it is a circle now so that is good. And there is a yolk in the sac another good thing.”
Mimie and I smile. I close my eyes and breath in deep. I’m hoping good things for Mimie because I don’t want her to feel sad anymore. We need this, she needs this.
“I think this is the heartbeat” she says as she broadcast the thumping sound on the speakers that are installed in the sonogram machine. “You think” I ask, the whole time I’m wondering where the fuck she was trained at?
“The fetus is pretty close to one of the main blood vessels. I can’t tell if that is the heart beat or her heart beat. But I do believe I see a ‘flicker of light’.
Referring to the blood passing through the heart.
The sonogram is a device that sends ultra sound waves into the body that in turn, returns an image to the screen for viewing. It’s a good non evasive procedure that doesn’t require cutting into the body to view an illness. As the heart beats in the fetus the ultra sound returns the image back, like a candle it is seen as it flickers.
Without much confidence in our technician we leave, but not before she tells us to make another appointment for the Monday after next. So for the third week in a row we will be retuning to view the young seed that doesn’t seem to want to grow.
“Man Mimie“, I said “Will never make an appointment this early again. This back and forth is fucking ridiculous. Its hard to live like this.”
Mimie nodded her head in agreement, “I know. The yes its good fetus, no it's a bad fetus is crazy."
Even though we weren’t on hundred percent sure this was a successful pregnancy there was still hope since the sac had formed into a circle, a fetal pole was seen and there was a possible heartbeat offering us a “flicker” of hope. We decided we would go to breakfast and enjoy what little good news we received.
We went to the mall that was just down the street from the doctors office. Inside the mall is a small restaurant that has a pretty good breakfast. It wasn’t too crowded for a Friday and we were able to sit right down.
“So what did you think?” picking Mimie’s brain about the appointment.
“Well she didn’t give me a whole lot of confidence I know that much.” she paused as the waitress came over to ask us what we wanted to drink.
Mimie ordered a water and for myself I had an orange juice. There was Starbucks in the mall so we would get our latte fix after we finished breakfast.
“I think we just made our doctor appointment too early. Maybe we should have waited a few weeks.” Mimie said, resuming our conversation after our waitress left.
“Could be. But not knowing if the heartbeat was part of the baby doesn’t give me a whole lot of confidence. Especially in that damn tech” I told Mimie as I fiddled with the small cardboard advertisement placed on the table promoting their Early Bird dinner specials.
“ I’m happy though , it could be worse . There could’ve been nothing there at all, but I can’t stand this constant up and down you know.” Mimie agreed.
It’s true. This emotional rollercoaster was taking a toll on us both. There is only so many times you can ride it before you start getting motion sickness. And then finally, just throwing up.
I think we were both ready to get out of this amusement ride line and never return. It wasn’t fun anymore.
We’d think about how all the reckless people in the world, who can get pregnant, but yet, we had to struggle I guess everyone who has had difficulty with getting pregnant before us and after us, feel the same way.
It reminded me of a situation that occurred after I returned to work in December of 2006 after taking off nearly two months of leave to mourn the loss of our children.
I had just gotten promoted right before I was to go on maternity leave for the birth of the twin girls. I was only in my new position for about six weeks when the tragedy occurred.
When I returned to work on December 3rd I had to go directly to night shift. Funny how you work your whole career to get promoted, but since you have shitty seniority you return to the bottom of the barrel as a boss. Where in your old position, prior to getting promoted, you had good seniority and could choose your own fate. I was now at the will of the other supervisors above me. It was like starting all over again.
The adiministraion placed a new officer with me to train. I didn’t mind at the time because nights can get lonely on patrol. At least I wouldn’t be alone with my thoughts. I could concentrate on teaching the new guy.
One night while we were on patrol I noticed a car parked towards the rear of a closed business. It was about 3 AM and odd for any car to be in the parking lot of a closed business so late. Not only was it odd for the time, but the driver of the suspicious car parked in a place that was just begging for it to be checked out by the police.
The vehicle was in the rear of the building but not to inconspicuous because it could be seen from the main road way. The small compact car was in the last parking space and partially in the dark. The glimmer of light from a parking lot lamp post was reflecting off the rear tail light. It is this reflection that caught my attention, but not the rookie officer’s attention.
“Did you see that?” I asked my trainee.
He was a short stocky man. Clean shaven, bald head. He was definitely strong and I wouldn’t want to mess with him if I had to confront him on the street if I were a bad guy.
“See what?” He asked.
“Okay, going back.” I said annoyed.
I make a quick u-turn in then police car and return to the plaza with the single car parked in it. Prior to tuning in from the main street I turn off the main car headlights. I utilize my police radio and notify them I would be out with a suspicious vehicle.
121 (My Radio ID) Palms West (dispatch)
Palms West: Go ahead 121
121: I’m going to be out with a 13V (suspicious car) 13P (suspicious person) to the rear of the Professional Plaza.
Palms West: 10-4, 121 (message acknowledged)
I park the patrol car back and away from the occupied vehicle. My trainee and I quietly exit the car.
We both close our doors by gently applying pressure to into the door jam with our hip, kind of a like hip checking the door. Once we hear the click of the door, the sound of the mechanism finding the steal latch attached to the body of the car, the door is secured.
We both approach the suspicious car. I take the driver side and my trainee walks on the passenger side. When I get close enough to the car I am able to see inside. None of the car windows were tinted and it made it easy to see the on goings of a struggle inside.
I remove my very bright maglight flashlight from its holster that’s attached to my gun belt and use the 24,000 candle power to light up the inside passenger compartment of the car.
The bright light would shine on a reality of life that is more common then some think. And total bullshit to come across after what Mimie and I just went through. It made me question my faith in God and the process of natural selection
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Click here for Part V » I've Got Twins.
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Christopher Fusaro. The author of Captain Imperfecto.
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