Thursday, May 31, 2012

There's Always Time: Rollercoaster, PART V




May 31st, 2012

I decided to tell this story because it was a pivotal loss we had between losing the twins and the birth of our oldest son, Nico. It was a trying time for her and I. That stretch of time tested everything our relationship was about and everything it was going to be. We were desperate to heal ourselves and try to replace the loss we suffered on that terrible October morning in 2006 when we suffered a double loss of twins the morning we were scheduled to give birth. Mimie was very strong but strength can only last so long.

I struggled with documenting what Mimie wrote in her private journal between privacy and the need to know, but I felt deep down that people should know her struggles, espeically women. Women should know that they aren't alone with their difficulties trying to concieve and that a lot of women, and couples, go through this.  I can write from memory, but Mimie would want people to know what happens from a woman's heart. Excerpts from her journal are unchanged and are true to her feelings.
-cpf

Theres Always Time: Get Us off The Rollercaoster

PART V

With the looming appointment days away I did my best to relieve our stress. We would go out to dinner and catch a movie. All the while, it was in the back of our mind, yet we never spoke of it. I was getting so frustrated with the medical message boards on the internet that I stopped reading them all together. There are so many people with different reasons why their gestational sac wasn’t developing, that it was hard to pin point what the hell our problem was...

I would never recommend anyone to review those internet messaging boards, there is just no way to know what is going on in an individuals body. Instead of Googling “Sac not developing” I should have Googled “hope.” Because that is really all your looking for among the feed of lines that people place on those sites.
In the end it only depresses you more knowing that there is so much angst out there from people who just want to have a baby.

A few days prior to our appointment the doctors office would call Mimie with her blood results from the blood that was drawn the week before.

Mimie would write:

"We can have a D & C procedure, which is a surgical procedure that is essentially an abortion =( or we can wait for a miscarriage to just happen @ any point when the body figures out the pregnancy isn’t viable…I didn’t go to work yesterday b/c [because] I thought id have a call about the blood work. I told my boss I am waiting for the call. She said if I cant be in by noon to take a TO day. Finally rhe doc called @ 5:25 pm yesterday w/my blood results. He said the HCG level was good, @ 13,000. Good what? I didn’t understand. I asked what week would I be in @ 13,000 and he said 6. He said more than likely it’s a miscarriage due to the irregular shape (per the tech) sac and 120 yolk sac.”

Finally the day had arrived it was he following Friday after we found out that the Gestation Sac was not a circumference. We were on pins and needles. Amazing how stressed you can feel about something that is not in your control. I think that only adds to it.


We enter into the same room we were in last time. Mimie assumes her same position. I am to the left of her and the technician is to her right, looking at the screen as she begins her ultra sound.
Its deja vue all over again.

“Well”, the tech says “ it is a circle now so that is good. And there is a yolk in the sac another good thing.”
Mimie and I smile. I close my eyes and breath in deep. I’m hoping good things for Mimie because I don’t want her to feel sad anymore. We need this, she needs this.

“I think this is the heartbeat” she says as she broadcast the thumping sound on the speakers that are installed in the sonogram machine. “You think” I ask, the whole time I’m wondering where the fuck she was trained at?

“The fetus is pretty close to one of the main blood vessels. I can’t tell if that is the heart beat or her heart beat. But I do believe I see a ‘flicker of light’.

 Referring to the blood passing through the heart.

The sonogram is a device that sends ultra sound waves into the body that in turn, returns an image to the screen for viewing. It’s a good non evasive procedure that doesn’t require cutting into the body to view an illness. As the heart beats in the fetus the ultra sound returns the image back, like a candle it is seen as it flickers.

Without much confidence in our technician we leave, but not before she tells us to make another appointment for the Monday after next. So for the third week in a row we will be retuning to view the young seed that doesn’t seem to want to grow.

“Man Mimie“, I said “Will never make an appointment this early again. This back and forth is fucking ridiculous. Its hard to live like this.”

Mimie nodded her head in agreement, “I know. The yes its good fetus, no it's a bad fetus is crazy."

Even though we weren’t on hundred percent sure this was a successful pregnancy there was still hope since the sac had formed into a circle, a fetal pole was seen and there was a possible heartbeat offering us a “flicker” of hope. We decided we would go to breakfast and enjoy what little good news we received.

We went to the mall that was just down the street from the doctors office. Inside the mall is a small restaurant that has a pretty good breakfast. It wasn’t too crowded for a Friday and we were able to sit right down.

“So what did you think?” picking Mimie’s brain about the appointment.

“Well she didn’t give me a whole lot of confidence I know that much.” she paused as the waitress came over to ask us what we wanted to drink.

Mimie ordered a water and for myself I had an orange juice. There was Starbucks in the mall so we would get our latte fix after we finished breakfast.

“I think we just made our doctor appointment too early. Maybe we should have waited a few weeks.” Mimie said, resuming our conversation after our waitress left.

“Could be. But not knowing if the heartbeat was part of the baby doesn’t give me a whole lot of confidence. Especially in that damn tech” I told Mimie as I fiddled with the small cardboard advertisement placed on the table promoting their Early Bird dinner specials.

“ I’m happy though , it could be worse . There could’ve been nothing there at all, but I can’t stand this constant up and down you know.” Mimie agreed.

It’s true. This emotional rollercoaster was taking a toll on us both. There is only so many times you can ride it before you start getting motion sickness. And then finally, just throwing up.

I think we were both ready to get out of this amusement ride line and never return. It wasn’t fun anymore.

We’d think about how all the reckless people in the world, who can get pregnant, but yet, we had to struggle I guess everyone who has had difficulty with getting pregnant before us and after us, feel the same way.

It reminded me of a situation that occurred after I returned to work in December of 2006 after taking off nearly two months of leave to mourn the loss of our children.

I had just gotten promoted right before I was to go on maternity leave for the birth of the twin girls. I was only in my new position for about six weeks when the tragedy occurred.

When I returned to work on December 3rd I had to go directly to night shift. Funny how you work your whole career to get promoted, but since you have shitty seniority you return to the bottom of the barrel as a boss. Where in your old position, prior to getting promoted, you had good seniority and could choose your own fate. I was now at the will of the other supervisors above me. It was like starting all over again.

The adiministraion placed a new officer with me to train. I didn’t mind at the time because nights can get lonely on patrol. At least I wouldn’t be alone with my thoughts. I could concentrate on teaching the new guy.

One night while we were on patrol I noticed a car parked towards the rear of a closed business. It was about 3 AM and odd for any car to be in the parking lot of a closed business so late. Not only was it odd for the time, but the driver of the suspicious car parked in a place that was just begging for it to be checked out by the police.

The vehicle was in the rear of the building but not to inconspicuous because it could be seen from the main road way. The small compact car was in the last parking space and partially in the dark. The glimmer of light from a parking lot lamp post was reflecting off the rear tail light. It is this reflection that caught my attention, but not the rookie officer’s attention.

“Did you see that?” I asked my trainee.

He was a short stocky man. Clean shaven, bald head. He was definitely strong and I wouldn’t want to mess with him if I had to confront him on the street if I were a bad guy.

“See what?” He asked.

“Okay, going back.” I said annoyed.

I make a quick u-turn in then police car and return to the plaza with the single car parked in it. Prior to tuning in from the main street I turn off the main car headlights. I utilize my police radio and notify them I would be out with a suspicious vehicle.

121 (My Radio ID) Palms West (dispatch)

Palms West: Go ahead 121

121: I’m going to be out with a 13V (suspicious car) 13P (suspicious person) to the rear of the Professional Plaza.

Palms West: 10-4, 121 (message acknowledged)

I park the patrol car back and  away from the occupied vehicle. My trainee and I quietly exit the car.

We both close our doors by gently applying pressure to into the door jam with our hip, kind of a like hip checking the door. Once we hear the click of the door, the sound of the mechanism finding the steal latch attached to the body of the car, the door is secured.

We both approach the suspicious car. I take the driver side and my trainee walks on the passenger side. When I get close enough to the car I am able to see inside. None of the car windows were tinted and it made it easy to see the on goings of a struggle inside.

I remove my very bright maglight flashlight from its holster that’s attached to my gun belt and use the 24,000 candle power to light up the inside passenger compartment of the car.

The bright light would shine on a reality of life that is more common then some think. And total bullshit to come across after what Mimie and I just went through. It made me question my faith in God and the process of natural selection
.
Click here for Part V » I've Got Twins
 








Christopher Fusaro. The author of Captain Imperfecto.

© copyright 2012. All rights reserved.


Also see us at www.captainimperfecto.com

Tuesday, May 29, 2012

What Makes Life Beautiful?


May 29th, 2012

What makes life beautiful to you? What opens your heart and your mind? Is there something that can penetrate your exterior housing to reach the depths of your spiritual being, releasing the pressure from the amplitude of your hardened arteries so it can exude from your body slowly deflating the strain of your lifeblood.

Is it the sight of a mountain range?

Rising from the landscape and expanding in a denticulate manner piercing the blue skyline with its jagged frontier. The white snow littered on the butte, glaring back at you like a blank canvass. The trees framing your vision in a perfect box as they creep into your view. The branches of the Limber Pine gradually lining the mountains countryside. It’s green evergreen needles clashing against the white mountain side snow, but its white lined leaves blending its edges into the foreground of the large mass. Standing by the side of the Limber Pine is the Narrowleaf Cottonwood. Its tall trunk not quite reaching its sixty feet range, but the serrated leaves are cutting into its neighborhood of trees, as the residue snow falls into your picture landing on the ground before you. The Douglas-fir is dotting your vista stirring up the aroma of pine, reminding you of Christmas. Following the tree line with your eyes, they become fixated on the shoreline as the Douglas-fir’s contours along the river bank. The water shimmers as a slight ripple from the cold air disrupts the water enough to distort your pleasure of seeing the mountain range twice in your seascape. The cool air pounds on your face until its numb, turning your cheeks red. Your breath is seen billowing out of your mouth as warm moisture is exhaled from your lungs condensing with the cold climate. There is beauty in every breath as the terrain comforts you. Your mind basking in the tranquility of something so massive, so beautiful, and as pure as the snowcapped mountains.

To look at a picture and imagine you are there can be very cathartic to your body, but sometimes finding nourishment in words can open the mind by displacing the structured aspect of your life that are swirling around in your head that turn a bright day dark.

Sitting outside to feel the pounding rays of the sun and enjoying nature to clear my mind, a Monarch butterfly elegantly whirls around me and lands on a flower.

The milkweeds long wing span arches’ up and curves downward rounding into its six legged body. The black and orange hues are highlighted within the aileron of the beautiful flying insect ,gives a reminder of Halloween. White polka dots outline the outer edge of his wings and if he sits still long enough you can try and play connect the dots. Black streaks line the airfoil like riverbeds carving out the land. I’m mesmerized by the soft landing it accomplished on such a delicate flower. The head sits up right, but the orange petals droop back, exposing the vulnerability of the pollen. Life creating life again, as he flies off. Its colors reflecting off the suns rays as he is pushed along by mother natures breeze. Life as usual in his world.

We all search for comfort in our time of need or stress. A quick get away to help us forget our troubles. The hope is that if you squeeze your eyes tight enough you’ll fall into your conscience and magically be in another world. But as hard as we try we never end up on that beach or somewhere on that island. Most of the time the only island we find ourselves on is the Island of Despair.

It doesn’t mean we can’t dream. Dream of a better place, another country.

I’ve always wanted to go to Greece. I have a passport just begging for a stamp. I want to see the coliseum standing before me, as I gaze into her history. The Roman architecture on full display as the travertine rock shapes the walls and forming the archways. As level after level rises from the earth, my imagination runs free of the fifty-thousand people, that once were, stood there and cheered, and now, at least in my mind, there again. I fill in the missing pieces of rock to make the stadium whole again, the large pieces that are missing now, appear like a breach in a ships hull, and takes away how wide and expansive she once was. The face of the once masterpiece of the Roman Empire is dark from the years of exposure to the elements. The day fades to night and the orange lights peer put from the inside out blazing the night sky and hiding her imperfections. It is a world to escape to when in reality absconding is not an option.

The will to open up is within everyone. It just takes the right vision and the desire to make it happen. I get lost in my children.

The way the interact with one another. Little sips of juice then pass to the other one as he says, “share.” When they approach me and ask me to take off their shirts. I oblige and tell them, “Raise your arms.” He closes his eyes, lifts both arms above his head,. I grab the bottom of the shirt, and like a magician who pulls the table cloth out from under the dishes, I swoop in and lift it up, removing his shirt with out a snag. He jumps with delight, “Yes, Yes, Yes!” he shouts. My other son approaches me and I do the same with him. They both do a dance like if they’re doing the Dosey Doe and run off into the other room. I get lost in Nico’s way of blowing kisses. He tells me he loves me and blows air kisses at me by sucking in his lips and using his facial muscles to pull them apart, sucking in the air and creating a popping sound. Christopher loves to lay by my side and repeat whatever I say back to me. By the way he thinks, “I’m the greatest.”


Life is beautiful. It can be ugly at times but so can all of us. Life is human because humans sustain life.

When your faced with the bad, close your eyes and get lost in the good. Its there in your mind, you just have to figure out what makes life beautiful for you?











Christopher Fusaro. The author of Captain Imperfecto.

© copyright 2012. All rights reserved.


Also see us at www.captainimperfecto.com

Monday, May 28, 2012

There's Always Time: Mimie Speaks, PART IV






May 28th, 2012

I decided to tell this story because it was a pivotal loss we had between losing the twins and the birth of our oldest son, Nico. It was a trying time for her and I. That stretch of time tested everything our relationship was about and everything it was going to be. We were desperate to heal ourselves and try to replace the loss we suffered on that terrible October morning in 2006 when we suffered a double loss of twins the morning we were scheduled to give birth. Mimie was very strong but strength can only last so long.

I struggled with documenting what Mimie wrote in her private journal between privacy and the need to know, but I felt deep down that people should know her struggles, espeically women. Women should know that they aren't alone with their difficulties trying to concieve and that a lot of women, and couples, go through this.  I can write from memory, but Mimie would want people to know what happens from a woman's heart. Excerpts from her journal are unchanged and are true to her feelings.

Through the rest of this series, I will document Mimie's thoughts, with care, love and understandning....

-cpf

There's Always Time: Mimie Speaks

Part IV

“Mimie” I said, “My parents had four kids, your parents have four kids. My uncle has four kids. Two of your sisters have two kids apiece. Your other sister has one. Mimie, your not defective. I’m not defective. Let’s just enjoy the moment. Life happens, give it time to evolve.”

That night was the last night of peace we would have in quite a while...


That morning it was business as usual for me. Up at six, feed dogs, get dressed and go to work. Like clockwork. Today was different though, because of the joy I felt knowing that Mimie was sleeping in bed with baby. I could only hope she was having good dreams with thoughts of her unborn child bringing her joy, peace and love.

Later in my work day I would receive a phone call from her.

“Hey” she said on the other end of the phone. The tone in her voice with an inflection I haven’t heard in a long time. “Do you have next Tuesday off?”

“Yes” I told her.

“Okay, I am making a doctors appointment for an ultra sound and I figured you’d want to go.” She was so happy.

“Definitely, I do.”

“ I thought so, its booked for 9:30 in the morning.” She said. God, Mimie was thrilled.

It was a long week. You never realize how long a week could be dragged out. Too bad vacations weren’t like this. Unfortunately, we weren’t on vacation and the coming weeks were going to be just as long. The coming weeks were going to be a constant struggle for our emotions to keep an open mind.

We didn’t know it yet, but we should have expected it.

Up to this point in our quest to have kids nothing had been easy. To make matters worse we both knew deep down we hadn’t healed our emotions completely after we buried our girls. It felt good to have something else to focus on, however when you haven’t made peace with your past, your past is still looming setting yourself up to make your future failures seem even worse.

What you don’t expect is that something else would happen when you felt you paid your dues. Another problem to stack on our totem pole of issues. You assume when you pay an ultimate price like death, karma would pay you back with good.

The day of her ultra sound arrived. And to be honest with you, we never thought there would be any problems in the beginning stage. We just didn’t. Once the seed was planted there is nothing to worry about, right?

“Okay Mimie, just lie still”, the ultra sound technician said. Mimie was laying on her back.

The room was lit with low lighting, giving it a tranquil atmosphere. The ultra sound technician was to Mimie’s right. I was sitting on a low stool to her left. I tried to in vein to see the screen but couldn’t from my vantage point. The first time we went into a sonogram I went in to the room ignorant. This time, I was well educated on how they worked. I vowed I would never be left in the dark again when we lost the babies.

I was nervous and would fidget in my stool. I’d swivel the stool in 90 degree rotation left then right, left then right. Mimie was staring at me and we would have small talk. She was so happy. The technician was staring at the monitor. She had a smile on her face and she would join in on our small talk. I’m not a poker player, but I have learned to watch the face of everyone who is taking care of us in the past.

They give themselves away every time and our technician was about to show me her hand.

I watched the technicians smile slowly disappear. She was just nodding her head as we spoke about our future hope and our recent loss. Every other time, we had a past ultra sound with our twins, the technicians would be fully involved with us. Even turning the screen into our view so we could see the development of our fetus. Her communication fell silent and she never turned the screen.

After she completed her sonogram, she collected the pictures, she took with the machine. She smiled and told Mimie to get dressed, she’d be back.

“I have to go up stairs”, she told us. 

“Oh shit, Mimie this ain’t good” I tell her with a grim face.

“What do you mean not good.” her face went stone.

“I was watching her.” I said, “ She was smiling then the smile just disappeared. Something is wrong. Every other time those other techs showed us the sac, the development. Even let us listen to the heartbeat. She didn’t do any of that.” My tone getting frantic. “She just left. She has to go upstairs? What the fuck does that mean?”

Mimie began to worry. I didn’t want to tell her but my emotions were running high too. There was something wrong. I knew it. Luck was going to elude us again. I was expecting to hear it from the horses mouth when she returned. I was dreading it. Mimie sat there. I was making sense to her with what I was saying. I didn’t know how we were going to react when she returned the with the news. I wiped the ultra sound gel off her belly and helped her get dressed and we stepped outside.

“Okay”, the technician said upon her return. “I want you guys to go up stairs and see another technician.” she said.

“Why upstairs?” Mimie inquired.

“I just want a second opinion on what I am seeing.” she said.

“So your saying there is a problem then?” I said in a sad tone.

“I am not a liberty to say. Only the doctor can make that call. That is why we are getting a second opinion.”

The tech said in the most sterile tone possible.

“But your essentially telling us there is a problem by having us get a second opinion.”, I said “this isn’t our first rodeo. You know we just lost twins, we have been in the room before. We know what is going on, there is no need to sugar coat it. We just want honesty, its her body and our life.”

I understand why she was apprehensive. After all she isn’t a doctor but she was seeing something wrong and we needed to know. All we know at this point is that she is pregnant, but how far along was she?

Once the female egg is fertilized at about the fourth week of development of a woman’s pregnancy there is a thickening of the endometrial lining walls and eventually the gestational sac forms. Around the fifth to sixth week the yolk sac will form inside it and then eventually the fetal pole will be the first sign of an embryo. There within the embryo, there should be a heart beat. Thus, sustaining life.

“I can lose my job” the technician told me, “I can not say for 100% that the pregnancy is not developing. I can tell you that the sac isn’t a circumference. It is more oval, like a chicken egg. But it doesn’t mean anything right now. You are so early in the pregnancies infancy at just five weeks three days it could possibly be that you are here too early. Just go get your second opinion. And will try again next week.”

I extend my hand to Mimie who is sitting on a bench in the hallway just outside the ultra sound room. We walk to the elevator that will bring us up to the other doctors office and will give us or second opinion. They confirmed what the first technician suspected. The sac has not developed, but they were not sure if this we due to the fact we came in very early.

Mimie wrote in her journal:

 “[The technician] said it was possible we were off on our last LMP [Last Menstrual Cycle]. She was done w/the scan and told us to get dressed while she called the doctor upstairs. We wait and finally go upstairs. We are told the on call doctor is at the hospital and we are to wait around. We have our blood drawn and wait. Finally the doc [doctor] comes and goes by the report the tech faxed, no pictures. She said @ [at] this point in time it doesn’t look optimistic…there is generally a yolk sac by week 5 and a heartbeat near 7. I had neither. I (we) are devastated. We are told there is a 50/50 chance we are miscarrying.”

The walk back to the car was truly devastating. I wrote the word "devestating" to describe our feelings, before I knew Mimie felt the same way (the same word) when she wrote that "we were devestated". It was only when I decided to add her thoughts to the story and reviewed her journal. That's when I saw it.

We didn’t really talk, but we were both nervous. In hind sight we were just putting too much on us, too soon. This was going to be the longest week to wait for the another ultra sound. When we got home Mimie was surprisingly upbeat. Or she was really good at hiding her emotions. Me on the other hand, well I was very nervous. I was more nervous for Mimie. I didn’t want another blow to her feelings. The first thing I did was go on the internet and Google, “Sac not developing.” Big mistake. Because it would consume me.

I would go to all the web sites that would have anything to do with Gestational Sac not growing or measuring up. There were a ton of message boards with people posting messages of hope, fate, faith, and inspirational. I would spend all hours of my time reading them. If I found something of interest I would tell Mimie right away.

“Someone says here on this message board that their doctor told them that their gestational sac wasn’t developed and to abort the pregnancy. But the wall poster said that they didn’t and now have a beautiful baby girl. So see, they don’t know shit!” Mimie would humor me and nod her head. "See Mimie, what the fuck do they know!" My emotions running away with me.

I don’t think she wanted to think about the possibilities on what I found on the internet, yet she documented this in her journal:

The research Chris has done indicates a blighted ovum (false pregnancy) or maybe 2 sperm fertilized the egg , or the X + Y chromosomes didn’t meld and it never divided early on. We don’t know. My LMP: 3/3/07, Approx [approximate] conception 3/16-/3/22. How much else can we take?”

What we didn’t know was the worse of things to come if it wasn’t developed properly.

Mimie and I would go about our week as normal. But I know deep down it was on her mind. We were both working at the time, so we would consume our self in work trying to forget about the up coming appointment. So much on our mind. It was like we were obsessed with having a baby. We lost focus on everything else.

With the looming appointment days away I did my best to relieve our stress. We would go out to dinner and catch a movie. All the while, it was in the back of our mind, yet we never spoke of it. I was getting so frustrated with the medical message boards on the internet that I stopped reading them all together. There are so many people with different reasons why their gestational sac wasn’t developing, that it was hard to pin point what the hell our problem was.

PART VII JULY 2ND, 2012 AT 3:00PM Est.


Click here for Part V » Rollercoaster



 


Creative Commons License

The Adventures of Captain Imperfecto/Born Again by Christopher P. Fusaro is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike 3.0 Unported License.
Based on a work at christopherfusaro.blogspot.com.
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