Skip to main content

Close Your Eyes to See

You are here: Home » Close your Eyes to See

Front: Christopher and Nico at St. Mary's Hospital 


July 9th, 2014



Well it’s been over 2 years since my wife died and I have been holding on my own during the recovery and doing pretty well raising our sons alone. I didn’t think I could ever get myself so strong physically. Mentally however, I feel like I could fall of that wagon at any time and just recede back into self-despair.

 I just turned forty-one but I don’t feel any different then when I did, twenty years ago. In fact those years seem like yesterday. The only time I remember how old I truly am is when I count back the years when I received my drivers license, graduated from school or when I look up a song, on the internet, to see when the song was released.

 At forty-one I had no idea that my life would be a constant test of my will and mental stress. My parents made life seem so easy. I just didn’t realize, when I was a child, that the more older and wiser I became I would view the world so much more clearly.

My eyes consume so much clarity which is fueling my brain and it's clarity allows the world to pass by me in slow motion. It’s life in the Matrix.  I now view the world through these eyes and what I now see can be darn right scary. Life is exposed and it seems like a letdown.  The parts of my mind that were closed, and now open, make me wish that someone would pull that drape over my memory.

But what good can come from being closed-minded? Absolutely nothing. Negativity only brings the fears you hold deep within the depths of your soul out and force you to fail. But I just recently found out I can’t live this way. Not anymore.

And it isn’t easy to accept the positivity life offers. I know. Some people find a positive life in faith, others find positivity in family and there are the few that are just plain positive. I had to go through tragedy to shake out the negativity. Believe-it-or-not. You’d think I would be more negative after the loss of my twins and my wife. But I am just so damn tired living in sadness. I reek of disaster and I can’t take it anymore. I want the good and the bad because there is good in everything. YOU have to try and find it.
And trust me, being positive can be hard to maintain especially since I’m a police officer and a lot of my time is spent in the negativity of people’s lives. But that’s just an excuse to hate other people for their good luck. And I find my self-drifting into the negative so it isn’t all roses on my side. But imagine the possibilities if we can achieve true self worth.

I close my eyes and envision a world without chaos. There is harmony in the voices I hear around me who encourage us all to be the best that we can as human beings. I close my eyes and imagine a place where my children won’t have to realize a harsher world exists, once they themselves, are able to see life more clearly.  I close my eyes and listen to my breathing. My heart is beating in my chest. The smells around me invigorate my senses, that in-turn, pulsate through me infroming me that I am alive!

Today the sights and sounds I encounter are the real clarity that I need to see because those sounds are music to my ears because I am happy to be alive. The sounds sing a tune that allows me to tap my feet and sway to the music that sooth my soul. I tell my eyes to focus on silver lining that creases the sky beyond my personal utter chaos. That line separating the dark clouds, informs me, that today is only temporary and tomorrow I can start anew. That no matter what life brings me today there will be life tomorrow to heal that wrongs of yesterday.

I close my eyes to see that there is something out there bigger than who I am. It’s even bigger than you. I understand that life just won’t hand me happiness because I think I deserve it. Life doesn’t care how I feel. Only I can change how I feel because only I care more than anyone, how I feel. I won’t allow others to dictate my happiness.

Close your eyes, if even for a minute. Listen to your conscience as it speaks to you. Your inner being wants you to be happy. We are all made of flesh and blood. We're human beings capable of anything. So make yourself capable of happiness. Throw the negativity to the side. 

Happiness isn’t discovered at forty- one or thirty-one. Your happiness begins the moment you decide that life isn’t any better than what it was yesterday and it’s time to make a change today. Because your carried over negativity won’t make your tomorrow any better. You just have to close your eyes to see it so you can realize your own potential to be happy.
- See more at: http://captainimperfecto.com//blog_details.php?blog_id=215#sthash.Mj4cDdkD.dpuf

- See more at: http://www.captainimperfecto.com/blog_details.php?blog_id=215#sthash.SQl6dDVC.dpuf

©Copyright 2014 Captain Imperfecto, LLC. All rights reserved. 
- See more at: http://www.captainimperfecto.com/blog_details.php?

blog_id=215#sthash.VT1zYh9J.dpuf©Copyright 2014 Captain Imperfecto, LLC. All rights reserved. 
- See more at: http://www.captainimperfecto.com/blog_details.php?blog_id=215#sthash.kRUXaALE.dpuf




Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

"Far Away"

You are here: Home » "Far Away" May 5th, 2012 For mommy in heaven… My kids wouldn't let me sleep last night. I kept them busy all afternoon and evening, yet they were still very hyper. I picked Nico up from school at 2:00 o'clock P.M. and decided to take them for a road trip to Broward County. It's a close drive from where we live. I am just one county over to the north. I didn't feel like going home and falling into the same routine. I wanted to stimulate the boys so that they would sleep later that night. Honestly, maybe we all could get some sleep that night. It's hard to get motivated in life when you are sleep-deprived. Nico leaves class about 10 minutes earlier than the rest of the school. Since he was a premature baby, he has had a learning delay with speech. The State of Florida placed him in a program called Early Steps. It's a great program, and it allows him to catch up to the rest of his peers academically so that by the time h...
19 comments
`D

Hi Mama. Bye Mama

You are here: Home » Hi Mama. Bye Mama. June 26, 2012 Hi mama. Bye, mama. And so it goes. Up the street, hi, mama, down the street, bye, mama. The boys know where they can find mommy. It's just down the road, a path we take every day. Everywhere we go. We go with the flow. Hi mama. Bye, mama. It always starts the same, the familiar path of the road the boys have become accustomed to. It doesn't matter what we do; we will always pass right on through; regardless of how we travel, mom will always be on their left or their right. She's never too far out of sight. Hi mama. Bye, mama. The boys anticipate the car ride. They look on either side as we drive by, seeking a clear view of their mama to be seen through. They eagerly await with no other thought on their plate. They are just waiting for the moment to see their number one visually. Hi mama. Bye, mama We are getting closer now; they look at Dad, their pal. Their smiles reach from ear to ear, knowing the time is near...
17 comments
`D

Anatomy of a Loss

You are here: Home » Anatomy of a Loss July 5, 2012 When you lose someone that you love and that you depend on, it feels like everything around you has just crashed and burned. It doesn't matter what is happening in the world because yours just got charred beyond recognition. You are forced to reprogram everything about you. Who you are. What your path in life was. The goals you had planned. Everything before the death of a loved one is scraped.  Your mind wanders about aimlessness, and you just go over your mind time and time again about how you will be able to do it. Where do you go from here? You are afraid and bewildered because you are unsure what to do and who to turn to. You find that you question God and yourself and examine everything about your life.  The doubts set in about yourself, and you want to return to the day before so badly just to reassure yourself that everything ...
11 comments
`D