Sometimes, you must push yourself forward when facing adversity threatening your way of life because time isn't fulfilling its job by healing everything. No one cares more than you when times are wrong because, deep down, friends, family, and people are just happy they aren't living in your situation. So, you better start pushing through your adversity.
Why am I going through this? What the hell did I do to deserve this shit in my life. This isn't fair. I just want to be expected, not the strong one.
Now, I'm not being pessimistic about the human spirit. People are at their best when disasters strike, like natural disasters or acts of violence threatening our way of life. In times such as those, you will find people who will go above and beyond in harsh conditions, utilizing their training and skills to help those who are unfortunately affected by such travesty. But when you are alone, especially in the wee hours of a dark, lonely night, your circumstances can change while your thoughts run amuck.
It was nice to talk to my family today. They brought me comfort, but I am alone now. I'm alone in my bed without the comfort of someone understanding this intense sadness and why I'm crying.
As individuals, when we face our own horrific situations, most of the time, we are alone when the confrontation attacks our thought process. No one, not friends, family, or strangers, will know the depths of your self-loathing and unhappiness because it is our hell to bear and no one else.
I am so fucking mad!
Most of the time, people will not understand why you cannot overcome life's circumstances. They only wish for you to act normal so they can feel normal. But it's hard, damn hard, to control emotions that are conjured up from the depths of you. I couldn't even explain the feelings of unhappiness that I never experienced before when I tried to reason with myself. Or even knew those intensely bad feelings existed in the fibers of my DNA.
Okay, Chris, get through this day the best you can. Fight through it. Take your life, day by day, without thinking of what tomorrow will bring.
I never thought I would be in a situation that I could not get out of until I lost my wife. It was more difficult than losing my twins, Sophia and Gabriella because my wife shared the grief of their loss with me. We could relate to the emotions we experienced together and lean on each other for support and comfort when all others returned to their daily lives. That support, no matter how miserable we were when we dealt with it, allowed us to cope with the intense sadness.
Thoughts of holding each other tight as we lay in bed and cried ourselves to sleep in the late nights and early mornings helped heal our souls that later reality would burst out of the stitching we sewed during our grieving.
When my wife passed away, it felt more than just intense sadness or grief. The situation of her loss felt as if life was a bully, ran up to me as fast as it could, with a leaping kick to my gut. The force of the kick was so powerful it knocked the wind out of me. My knees buckled, and I went straight to the ground, unable to move. I was a fucking mess. I couldn't move for months.
If my kids didn't need me, I wouldn't move from this spot on my floor. This would be my home.
Over time, I knew eventually, I would have to push forward with all my might to survive this feeling of overwhelming emotion. Maybe I had to go it alone without assistance to face the demons that I would encounter on my travels to the beginning of healing. I can see some light. I am pushing. I am running. I am diving through my adversity so that I can pursue a life again.
Hi, I'm Chris. You're beautiful. I felt compelled to talk to you. Want to get a coffee?
Published on: October 2nd, 2013
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