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Left to right: Christopher, Captain Imperfecto and Nico on Disney's monorail

April 11, 2013

I knew I had to start somewhere in this life. Even if where I started would begin on some random day of the week during any month of the year. I knew a day would come when I would test the waters of dating. I had finally begun to pick myself up off the ground. Brush off the dirt from my clothes and bandage my skinned knees. I thought I had started to mend my broken heart. 

But I was wrong. Way wrong. That or I just chose the wrong person as a first date.

I started a friendship a few weeks ago with a girl (this is so high school) and decided to try dating her (a science experiment). We talked on the phone (like teenagers) and exchanged text messages (like juveniles) like the rest of the world. I was pretty comfortable with her being normal. As I am sure, she was relieved to know that I was almost just as normal (case in point, we didn't have cooties).

I was excited about the date because I would have to dress up in a tuxedo for the first time. I even joked that she was getting me dressed so I could maitre d' her friends exclusive black tie affair. But joking aside, I was excited to go! And if it was the latter, I would make some money at the very least.

It was fun to pick out my $102.00 rental tuxedo. I didn't know if I should choose the black and

White tux or the white and black tux. The clerk was very helpful at the rental store and even made a few jokes at my expense. I liked him right away. After I locked him in the dressing room, I was on my way to my first adventure without my kids!

I decided it would be easier to dress at her place and not drive over in my rental outfit. I had a reputation to protect. I got to my date's house early to change out of my street clothes and into my more gentlemanly attire.  

She had a lovely home. She gave me a tour and showed me the area in the backyard where I could change into my clothes. I understood how she felt; she didn't want a strange, naked man running around her house. I shouldn't have assumed that I should have gotten undressed as soon as I walked in. 

After I watered her begonias to relieve my nerves, I dressed in my penguin outfit immediately. And, of course, I got dressed in her house; I was just kidding...about getting dressed outside. 

The tux looked great on me, I do have to admit. Meaning beyond any prom or school function I attended in my teenage years. Hell, I looked good enough for the Academy Awards. She was going to be lucky to have me on her arm. Okay, a little coincided. I understand as you read on, but I embellish a little. I'm just trying to build my confidence because I had some jitters.

My date wore her dress extremely well, and immediately, I knew I was out of my league. I was definitely playing in the little leagues. I had to find my A game quickly before she realized she was with a minor leaguer.

The date started well for the couple that was getting married. I was still nervous that I was overdressed for the event, but upon entry into the church, I realized I could "hang with the other fellas."

The groom's ushers escorted me down the aisle until I realized the ushers were supposed to escort the female dates. We were in mid-walk, and I didn't want to stop our coordinated effort to walk in unison, so I looked back to ensure she was following close behind.

The wedding went well. The bride was beautiful. If the groom was marrying on looks alone, he did very well. Once he kissed his now-anointed bride, he turned to the audience and gave his bride a high-five. They walked the opposite way to the back of the church. As the groom walked by, I gave him a thumbs up. As they walked by me, the groom made eye contact with me. I could tell right away he was wondering…who I was.

We made our way to the Yacht Club for the reception. My date looked great in her stunning green dress. It was a great compliment to her olive-toned skin. Her Italian roots show proudly.

We laughed, drank, danced, drank, laughed, stumbled, fell, and drank, and then the rest was a blur. But I felt good about the night even though I found myself dancing by myself at the end of the night to some 80's Careless Whisper; sad because the date would end on a sour note.

I got out and made friends with those sitting at our table. One was a financial advisor, and I received good stock tips. Another was a food blogger, and I learned about great food; a lovely lady who was an antiques dealer taught me about fine art.

Overall, it was a good night. Cinderella's carriage would soon become a pumpkin. I was back from fantasyland and into the reality of my hellish life.  

878 Words

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edited 06/25

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The Adventures of Captain Imperfecto/Born Again by Christopher P. Fusaro is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike 3.0 Unported License.

Based on a work at christopherfusaro.blogspot.com.