Things are so fucking dark. And I don't mean when the sun goes down and the streetlights go on. It's just black inside and out. How the hell can you see in the dark? You just have to wing it and figure out exactly where you are.
It's too bad being in the dark isn't as easy as being in your house. I can get around my house in the dark because I know where the hell everything is. It's the one thing normal in my life that doesn't change. It never changes. The same things are there that have been there since we moved into this damn place. If I was blind and deaf, I could move about my house without a stumble. But beyond my front door, I am expected to know where life begins anew when I don't have a fucking clue.
No matter how many times I have driven down my street. No matter how many times I have gone to the same grocery store. No matter how often I drive my children to some kind of function. It is different. My world is covered by a dark shadow as if the sun has been eclipsed.
But yet, I search. I seek out a ray of hope from my cold, dark place. I yearn to shower my soul in the layers of the sun's rays so it can stimulate growth in my body. I want the light to pound on me like the winds of a relentless hurricane so I can feel again. I am crawling on the ground to comfort my fall in case I fail to see the light and fall on my ass as I strike something I can't see or I am blindsided by tragedy again.
I am not ready to stand on my own two feet, which would enable me to look over any obstructions that may block the truth of my reality. I hide behind this wall, searching and searching for my way out of this lonely place for my ray of hope.
But I cannot find it. I cannot see. Does anyone have a flashlight? Where the hell is the light? We all want to be free from within ourselves once we find our inner peace. But damn it, where is that ray of hope to help me see it, to nurture my good nature, so I can continue to cultivate my past and begin to heal my seared soul.
It's so dark. I place my hands out in front of me, extending my arms sideways, bracing myself along the hallway walls of my house. I apply pressure, locking in at my elbows. My shoulder blades push inwards, and with all my might, I pull myself up. The walls appear so high they could be the Great Wall of China.
"Come on, Chris. Pull. Pull. Pull," I tell myself with the motivation of a drill instructor.
I rise, but I can't see. I don't know what's there. Why can't I fucking see, damn it? Why is it not clear to me? This shroud of darkness smoothers me like a cloak, consuming my sight and every breath. Damn it! I hate feeling this way.
I hate being a victim of my own environment. Just walk. Walk forward. Charge ahead. Damn, what's there that's blocking my recovery?
Knock it over. Fight. Take your lumps and bruises. Wounds will heal, and your scars will tell the tale of how you fought your way through until you found the light. Don't be afraid of the dark. Embrace it and make the dark your light. Adapt to the situation and fight to live another day.
When you're winded and the fighting is done, just remember the sun will always rise in the east and set in the west, and there will be light. I know the flares emanating from the surface of the firey star are bursting full of solar energy and substance as it is being hurled from the powerful sun across the deepest parts of space, where it reaches out and touches the earth. When it does, I pray the ray of hope will shower upon you, drenching me with hope as I soak up its God-like energy.
The ultraviolet rays provide the nurturing I desire. But it does me no good. Because I resist the sunshine, it brings with it. I am alone. I am alone to think of the song I sang to Mimie on many occasions. I sang the song whether we were by ourselves, on our honeymoon, when the mood struck to make her smile, or in a restaurant at Disney World in front of a room full of people.
"You are my only sunshine; you make me happy when times are grey. You'll never know how much I love you, so please don't take my sunshine away."
If I look at the sky, I'll see my sunshine again. Where there is a will, there will always be a ray of hope.
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Wow, what a way to get people to understand the hurt and pain and confusion you are in. Not only that but also to see that you have real feelings too. Its those feelings that make your writings so inspirational to those of us who don't see or have not had that "ray of sunshine" in our life. You give us all hope that we can make it through our storms, just a day at a time. I was always told by my dad growing up "God won't give you anything He knows you can't handle!!" Thats been the one phrase that's helped me through some recent tough times I'm going through and still going through!! If God can bring me to it, Then HE surely can bring me through it!!!! Keep up the writing! It's truely inspirational!!! GOD BLESS
ReplyDeleteBeing in d dark is a loss of control. Ur ray of light is will come when u gain a sense of reason or control in Ur life. I'm in d dark as well. N I know that feeling
ReplyDeleteThanks for your kind comments Shauna really =) - cpf
ReplyDeleteYou are very welcome!! I just wish I could write half as good as you do!! I never thought of writing as a way to cope until I started reading your blogs. I had one a few years back and stopped because... well I don't know why. But with what I am going through I have decided to write letters to my boys and that seems to help me out too.
ReplyDelete