Skip to main content

Shoulda, Coulda, Woulda

You are here: Home » Shoulda,Coulda, Woulda






August 23rd, 2012

Standing alone facing infinity, wishing for an end to slowly fade into sight so I know I'm okay. It's such a lonely feeling when the ones you love don't care. It makes you feel dead inside. The noise around me is the only thing that lets me know I am still alive. My feelings were lost long ago somewhere out there, numbing my pain, feeling no hurt I could cause to others, not willing to care.

I reach out into the thin air, but my hands flail around, grasping at nothing because there is nothing to hold. My strength keeps me planted at my base as I try to reinforce my foundation with a positive outlook and imagine that there is something real and meaningful to tell me, "Things are going to be alright."

The road to despair is a long journey that requires you to look deep within yourself. Believing that there is a reason for this, then laughing out loud because that belief is such bullshit. You have to fight. You have to swing. You have to let go to regain the once was, and maybe someday, it could be, before you start believing in the never will.

The never wills will haunt you. It allows you to never believe in yourself and forces you to stop confiding in the system you programmed in your mind, placed there by years and years of your "life's lessons." I don't want to stare out in a world that could've been, when it should've been, was up to me. Standing here and looking out into infinity leads me to believe I was never here and, therefore, never was.

The should-haves lead to regret, which leads to tearing you up inside. It's hard to swallow, and when you do, it cuts up your guts until you choke on the blood, reeling in your reality of what would have been and what never was because you failed to do what was right for you. Your talent is wasted, and you are left with the thought that you can never be what you were meant to be, but now, by your actions, you're faced with the possibility of a never-be.

Life can be confusing and lonely. And the should haves, would haves, and could haves intermingle with one another as you travel down your road of self-misery to face the emptiness of space. But deep down, if you believe in who you are, there should never be a has been or could've been, only a here I am, this is me; I can be who I want to be, and I am because that is all there ever was. I am me.

I am the one who made the should-haves into reality and the could-haves that were already done. I can be who you want me to be because I am already the person I want to be. I sacrificed to become the one thing I can rely on because if I can't rely on myself, then I can never be, a will be, and will suffer the consequences of being a never was.


520 words










Christopher Fusaro. The author of Captain Imperfecto.

© Copyright 2012 - 2024 Captain Imperfecto, LLC. All rights reserved. This material may not be republished, rewritten or redistributed without permission.  Please contact if you would like to re-publish in film, television or print. 


Also see us at www.captainimperfecto.com

Comments

  1. staceyAugust 23, 2012 at 6:48 PM

    This is beautiful Chris..deep and introspective. You are no doubt touching many people with ur writing and I hope it is helping u to cope. Sometimes things don't make sense and life is not fair. I am a breast cancer survivor and my husband is living with brain cancer. I have 2 young children so I can relate. Keep up the good work and god bless u and ur family.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Karen, Addy and Coeburn KearnsAugust 23, 2012 at 10:02 PM

    I am five years out. I was left with a 2 year old and a 7 month old. It's never easy, but it can be done. My goal is and always will be to THRIVE, not just survive. You are blessed to have a part of your lovely wife with you everyday in the hearts and bodies of your kids. I wish you strength and perseverance.

    ReplyDelete
  3. AnonymousAugust 23, 2012 at 10:09 PM

    God Bless all of you.... Yall are all Conquerors!!! Chris, keep doin what ur doin, and the rest will be okay. Stacey and karen, I admire yall

    ReplyDelete
  4. Captain ImperfectoAugust 23, 2012 at 11:40 PM

    Thanks for reading everyone and taking the time out to respond to what I wrote. It shows we are not alone even on those dark days when we feel alone. thank you again.

    Christopher

    ReplyDelete
  5. ChristinaAugust 24, 2012 at 11:10 AM

    I enjoyed this writing it is indeed very real in your life and others (me for sure). It just felt so familiar to read your words. Thank you for taking the time to share.

    ReplyDelete
  6. AnonymousAugust 27, 2012 at 11:37 AM

    This one resonated. Depair is not usually found in words of understanding. Thank you. It gives me hope.

    ReplyDelete
  7. renataSeptember 5, 2012 at 1:05 AM

    Should coulda n woulda can bring a person down ... But seize the moment n d future and make them a reality

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

"Far Away"

You are here: Home » "Far Away" May 5th, 2012 For mommy in heaven… My kids wouldn't let me sleep last night. I kept them busy all afternoon and evening, yet they were still very hyper. I picked Nico up from school at 2:00 o'clock P.M. and decided to take them for a road trip to Broward County. It's a close drive from where we live. I am just one county over to the north. I didn't feel like going home and falling into the same routine. I wanted to stimulate the boys so that they would sleep later that night. Honestly, maybe we all could get some sleep that night. It's hard to get motivated in life when you are sleep-deprived. Nico leaves class about 10 minutes earlier than the rest of the school. Since he was a premature baby, he has had a learning delay with speech. The State of Florida placed him in a program called Early Steps. It's a great program, and it allows him to catch up to the rest of his peers academically so that by the time h...
19 comments
`D

Hi Mama. Bye Mama

You are here: Home » Hi Mama. Bye Mama. June 26, 2012 Hi mama. Bye, mama. And so it goes. Up the street, hi, mama, down the street, bye, mama. The boys know where they can find mommy. It's just down the road, a path we take every day. Everywhere we go. We go with the flow. Hi mama. Bye, mama. It always starts the same, the familiar path of the road the boys have become accustomed to. It doesn't matter what we do; we will always pass right on through; regardless of how we travel, mom will always be on their left or their right. She's never too far out of sight. Hi mama. Bye, mama. The boys anticipate the car ride. They look on either side as we drive by, seeking a clear view of their mama to be seen through. They eagerly await with no other thought on their plate. They are just waiting for the moment to see their number one visually. Hi mama. Bye, mama We are getting closer now; they look at Dad, their pal. Their smiles reach from ear to ear, knowing the time is near...
17 comments
`D

Anatomy of a Loss

You are here: Home » Anatomy of a Loss July 5, 2012 When you lose someone that you love and that you depend on, it feels like everything around you has just crashed and burned. It doesn't matter what is happening in the world because yours just got charred beyond recognition. You are forced to reprogram everything about you. Who you are. What your path in life was. The goals you had planned. Everything before the death of a loved one is scraped.  Your mind wanders about aimlessness, and you just go over your mind time and time again about how you will be able to do it. Where do you go from here? You are afraid and bewildered because you are unsure what to do and who to turn to. You find that you question God and yourself and examine everything about your life.  The doubts set in about yourself, and you want to return to the day before so badly just to reassure yourself that everything ...
11 comments
`D