August 15, 2012
I'm nervous as shit. My heart races non-stop when I think about it. I knew this time would come, yet it overwhelmed every fiber of my being. I need to get it together and embrace my new start. I hate how I got to this point in the latest period of my life, but now I have no choice but to get my shit together and be normal...I laugh- normal. I wish I could be far from normal. I could pretend to be Father Time and right wrongs in my past. But that doesn't happen, so pretending to be normal will have to be. This very day marks five months since she is gone. Today, I'll start my first day at my old job as a cop.
It has been 150 days since I lost her, but most people could give a fuck less. People have moved on without us, so it is my turn to move forward. I got to this point on my own since her death with help from no one. I'll just push harder until I reach a point where I can be satisfied that I have done my best, and maybe I'll be content then.
So, now I hit the road patrol at work. Back in my blue uniform, my badge pinned on my chest, the gun on my hip, suppressing my fear deep down within me as I sought out bad people who committed a crime and rebuilt relationships to reform camaraderie with the guys that I had lost contact with since the day I fell out of the blue circle. Those guys didn't want to be around my misery.
I'm doing what I have to do for my boys to continue the comfort that I have given them before the loss of their mom. The first half of their life with me was one-dimensional. I worked to supply them with money for financial freedom. And now, I work to be a dual player in their life. The breadwinner of the family back then before March 15th. And now, I am the constant provider of full-time parenting, love, understanding, and admiration for my sons. A role I took for granted before was that my wife did very well in her full-time job.
Now I sit in this fucking police car, humping the beat in the city to sustain life in more ways than one. Isn't that truly the American way? Trying to maintain your life today so that tomorrow can be more tolerable than it was the day before. It's a vicious cycle that never seems to end.
Returning to work is a significant feat for me. I unwillingly took five months off of work. A true test for myself, and someday, everyone will know how hard those five months were on me. How extreme my life had become.
But, like most, I must return to work to live. Not all is lost for me. I do find satisfaction in providing reliable help to those in need. That is not a bullshit answer because I'm not running for Congress. It's a fact of my life. It's a fact that I keep telling myself anyhow to ease my pain into my reality of life so that I can transform my anger, hurt, and pain into something positive. At least, that is my plan.
One hundred and fifty days. Two holidays, three birthdays, and one season are in the books. And I'm scared that now I have to move forward. Mimie was the woman I moved out of my parent's house to live with in 2000 after meeting her in 1998. The one that cleaned my credit. She was there for me during the Coast Guard, police academy, fire academy, and EMT academy. She was the one who stood by me through all of life's hardships, the one I spoke to every day of our life together, my first true girlfriend, my first love, my movie companion, my restaurant connoisseur, my jukebox, my first wife whom I married on August 9th, 2003, the mother of my children, my best friend, and now for the first time in this life, I am all alone.
I sit in this car, and I think. I replay things in my mind. I rewind the past over and over, pressing pause again and again. The last time I was in this police car was exactly five months to the day she was lost forever. The last time I sat in this seat, I couldn't sustain life, not hers. Today is new, and I have to move forward. I must try to sustain myself because life is better now than yesterday. After all, I am here to live another day. I must look forward to tomorrow to appreciate what I had yesterday.
800 words
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It's hard to answer this post. Maybe staying out so long was not a good thing..you had too much time to be alone. I know colleagues can't replace your loss but they can help your mind get back to the real world. Focus on the future now..the boys will be happy..kids can bounce back from most anything even losing their mother...I'm sure they've had many happy times since she passed away. It's time to think of you a little bit. Start living again..go out and enjoy some entertainment. I feel especially bad since she died on my birthday..that hurts. But this is about YOU now..move forward..think of all the people that you have helped being a cop..I know..easy to say...but what are the options. Sit alone day after day. You have never been alone in your family's heart. I haven't heard from your mom in a couple of months. I hope all is okay. Get out those football helmets (even though their Dolphins) and get ready cheer on your team. I have followed every story you have written and you have a great talent to write. Anybody who can write they way you did about a cup of Starbucks coffee has some great talent. Keep on writing...don't stop..keep going forward and you will be a survivor. Your boys will be proud of their dad and your family will be proud of YOU. I looked at some old photos the other day and here I come across you and Johnny. Wow..what memories...Have a good first day of the rest of your life...we are all with you Chris. Love...Linda
ReplyDeleteNormal for me is just a setting on the dryer. That's about the only thing I can depend on. My emotions have me riding high as a survivor one day and doomed to live in dread and loss the next.
ReplyDeleteI don't know how to survive the pain.
Most days it's Pull this body up, Prop it up, Paint it up and Parade it like a hollow pinata before the world.
You aren't alone. Neither am I. Is it supposed to help knowing that we are just a drop in the great ocean of loss and despair?
I do better when I have something to get me out of the house. I hope you find that going back to work is a good step on your life road.
I am stting here with tears running down my face. You are a beautiful human being, with a remarkable way with words. Everyone who reads this can feel the love you had for your beautiful wife, and I hope you take time each day to tell your boys how much you loved her and how deeply you felt it. They will grow up to know how great she was though you, and how much you both loved them as well.
ReplyDeleteYou will never be alone, she will always be with you, every day you look at those children, every time you hear
"your song," she is there. You and your boys are in my prayers. God bless you.
Thanks everyone for replying. Your kind words mean so much. I knew it moved people it just humbling to read when others are brave enough to tell me in the public forum. Thank you so much for reading.
ReplyDeleteChristopher
You are a strong person.. Mimmie is more then proud of you. This is a step forward for you to not forget her but to give your boys what thet need, dad to smile.. and for life to get back to what they now as normal..
ReplyDelete