April 21st, 2012
My wife passed away on a Thursday, and I buried her seven days later.
Those seven days and beyond seem like a blur so far. My head pounds when I think of it. I know I should have more control of my emotions and my physical well-being. If I wasn't grieving for my boys at the same time, I think I could.
My children make me weak and strong at the same time. I am a sound man who is good under pressure and immense stress. I am pretty strong at 6 foot 2 inches and 220 pounds; however, overcoming this challenge is something I was not prepared for. I don't think many people are when faced with impossible situations. Especially when you lose your spouse.
I stand here despondent. People came and went after those seven days.
Her family flew in between those seven days and left after the funeral, on precisely the seventh day. I allowed them to go through her possessions. I do not think they know how hard that was for me. Even though they are her siblings. To see them going through her personal things cut me like a knife. But I wanted them to feel comfortable. I know they are grieving, too.
I feel like a tornado ripped through my world in those seven days. The closest people to me abandoned my family, meaning my 2 boys, in my time of need. Making me feel like all those hopeless families in New Orleans after Hurricane Katrina.
The emotions of her loss are something I can not control, as the memory of what we lost as a family wells up deep in my soul.
I have been forced to go at this alone. There was no rallying call to my aid. No one called to circle the wagons and surround us with love and support to show us they cared. People have either chosen not to acknowledge Mimie's loss or what it meant to me. Or they have chosen to ignore us and assume I'd get it together eventually because I'm "a strong guy."
Personally, I think they can't bring themselves to face the ugly truth that I am in a terrible situation, and people feel grateful that they are not in my shoes.
Well, I'm not brave or "a strong guy" for facing the loss of my wife and mother of my children alone. I was forced into my situation.
People offer help, but I need to figure out what kind of help I need and how to ask for it. It's the blind leading the blind in our search for help and resources, with either side not knowing where to turn. Since the very day Mimie died, I have been struggling. I have not had a break. When the breaks do come, I'm on a time limit, and I don't know where or how to use my time wisely because I don't know how to relax.
The other day, I went to my sister's house and asked her to watch the boys so I could run to Walmart to shop. It's a far drive to my sister's house just to go shopping, but I am desperate for some time to get some mental health. I don't know what I needed from there. It's probably just a mental break. Shopping for a moment gives me a break from everything else.
I parked my van in a parking spot at Walmart and leaned the driver's car seat way back. I needed to rest my weary head for a moment to relieve my headache, take a second to breathe the search for peace and experience the quiet I couldn't seem to find on my own. I fell asleep for a couple of hours. My body was so tired. It's suffering from malnutrition. A combination of unhealthy eating and no sleep.
I feel alone in this.
I know it's a two-way street of meeting people halfway in my quest for assistance, but I feel resentment towards my loved ones for skipping out on me. The way people left me made me think that Mimie had no impact on their lives. Or that I had failed to make an impact on theirs.
From day one, I felt I was left to fend for myself. I do understand how life works. I understand that if you want something, you must do it yourself, but isn't there such a thing as extenuating circumstances? I am paralyzed. My emotions are all over the place, and I have yet to be afforded the opportunity to clear my mind by myself without kids or distractions.
Does my family think during this emotional time, and at my lowest point in life, I want to leave my kids, who are experiencing their own emotional state, with complete strangers?
My wife mattered no matter what problems proceeded us.
All couples have relationships that go up and down. Mimie was still my best friend. My only friend. The mother of my kids. She is someone I talked to every day for fourteen years until the very day she died. No matter what was going on in our lives, good, bad, or ugly. We were always reasonable people.
We hung in there for each other, and I offered her everything. She never had a want. She could go where she pleased and buy what her heart desired. She loved her children beyond a love that I can only hope to understand in time as they slowly become their mom and dad.
She was a stay-at-home mother. She is a hard worker, and these boys are doing so well because of her motherly love and affection.
This is something that I can not sweep under the carpet after seven days. Not when my boys ask for "mama" every day since those seven days have come and gone. Not when I have no rock for my kids or emotional support for myself after those seven days.
No, Mimie made more of an impact on my life and our children's lives, more significant than seven days.
Why am I the only one that can see beyond the number seven? It is not my lucky number.
I can only hope that others will see beyond the numeral 7 as well. Is that possible? Our life lasted 14 years, and now I can't seem to get beyond the last 7 days that have impacted my life.
1,073 words.
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