Skip to main content

Twenty Pound Headache



April 14th, 2012

 I don't wake up hungry. I'm not hungry in general. I was at the doctor on Friday the 13th and at my weigh in I was about 210lbs. down at least 20lbs. I have eaten but its been garbage. I haven't gone to the gym either. In fact my gym membership expired April 11. I don't know if I'll renew. It's 300 bucks for a 2 year membership. An expense I can't pay for right now. Besides my motivation sucks so why waste the money.

My none motivation goes beyond the gym and the lack of not wanting to do something is just not like me. Mimie's loss has taken its toll on me. I just don't care right now. I answer the phone occasionally. I look at a text, maybe I'll reply. I check out an app on my iPhone here and there but find I only get remotely motivated when it comes to my boys.

I find myself struggling on what to do for my kids to keep them occupied on this weekend. Where as all I want to do is lay down on the couch and not move, but I know I can't.

Example: My back door is propped open to the backyard so my kids can play outside. It allows me to hear their little voices as their laughter fills the air. It's a welcomed sound and brings warmth to my heart and life to the otherwise dreary house, but it doesn't motivate me to get off this lounge chair walk the 10 feet to my thermostat and turn off my air conditioner that just turned on due to the warm air coming inside from the propped open back door.

It's not very green of me but I haven't been recycling lately either so why start being Eco friendly now. I only get up to check on their well being.

When I do get up I wander into the kitchen and eat whatever junk I find. If its packaged in plastic with preservatives added the odds of it finding its way into my mouth is 100 percent. So how the hell do I lose 20lbs?

I woke up and feed the boys. I made them bagels which they didn't eat so I munched on. A toaster strudel. Which makes a pop tart taste like cardboard by the way. That the kids didn't eat and I devoured them followed by a bowl of Coco Puffs in which we all enjoyed. So where did the 20lbs go?

I know I am going through traumatic stuff and I have never posted the reasons why I got here and what I saw to make things worse. Maybe it's Post Tramatic Stress Disorder?

I just paused to Google it. It could be. Is it me or can you Google anything in a moments notice?

The point is I am not like this. I'm pretty out going and well rounded and now I don't care. I do know I need to get my "house" in order. But it's been difficult as plans I had set up have fallen through. Mainly child care. I never wished for a lotto win so much in my life. I wonder what the odds were that made my life turn out like this? Can't be greater then the odds of winning the lottery.

I sit here and my head pounds. The pain begins in both eyes and reaches back to the rear of my skull. The pressure is intense.

The pain teases me by applying pressure on one side then subsiding a few seconds to give me relief only to reapply pressure to the other side of my head. I bow my head as if I am praying. I close my eyes.

Not tightly though, because the undue pressure of squeezing my eyes together causes more friction with the muscles in my face and makes me dizzy when it accompanies the pain in my head. I want it to subside and have taken aspirin in the hopes it will.

The reality is the pressure of life right now is greater then the pressure in my head. The pieces are all around me and I replay certain event over and over in my head. I keep forgetting easy things and always find myself searching for the same stuff over and over, namely keys.

Through all this pain, trials and tribulations I have been going through and after my doctors visit yesterday you'd think I'd get it together but right now I just can't. I am stuck. My mind is asking me where the hell did that 20lbs. go? Damn I have a headache.










Christopher Fusaro. The author of Captain Imperfecto.

© copyright 2012. All rights reserved.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

"Far Away"

You are here: Home » "Far Away" May 5th, 2012 For mommy in heaven… My kids wouldn't let me sleep last night. I kept them busy all afternoon and evening, yet they were still very hyper. I picked Nico up from school at 2:00 o'clock P.M. and decided to take them for a road trip to Broward County. It's a close drive from where we live. I am just one county over to the north. I didn't feel like going home and falling into the same routine. I wanted to stimulate the boys so that they would sleep later that night. Honestly, maybe we all could get some sleep that night. It's hard to get motivated in life when you are sleep-deprived. Nico leaves class about 10 minutes earlier than the rest of the school. Since he was a premature baby, he has had a learning delay with speech. The State of Florida placed him in a program called Early Steps. It's a great program, and it allows him to catch up to the rest of his peers academically so that by the time h...
19 comments
`D

Hi Mama. Bye Mama

You are here: Home » Hi Mama. Bye Mama. June 26, 2012 Hi mama. Bye, mama. And so it goes. Up the street, hi, mama, down the street, bye, mama. The boys know where they can find mommy. It's just down the road, a path we take every day. Everywhere we go. We go with the flow. Hi mama. Bye, mama. It always starts the same, the familiar path of the road the boys have become accustomed to. It doesn't matter what we do; we will always pass right on through; regardless of how we travel, mom will always be on their left or their right. She's never too far out of sight. Hi mama. Bye, mama. The boys anticipate the car ride. They look on either side as we drive by, seeking a clear view of their mama to be seen through. They eagerly await with no other thought on their plate. They are just waiting for the moment to see their number one visually. Hi mama. Bye, mama We are getting closer now; they look at Dad, their pal. Their smiles reach from ear to ear, knowing the time is near...
17 comments
`D

Anatomy of a Loss

You are here: Home » Anatomy of a Loss July 5, 2012 When you lose someone that you love and that you depend on, it feels like everything around you has just crashed and burned. It doesn't matter what is happening in the world because yours just got charred beyond recognition. You are forced to reprogram everything about you. Who you are. What your path in life was. The goals you had planned. Everything before the death of a loved one is scraped.  Your mind wanders about aimlessness, and you just go over your mind time and time again about how you will be able to do it. Where do you go from here? You are afraid and bewildered because you are unsure what to do and who to turn to. You find that you question God and yourself and examine everything about your life.  The doubts set in about yourself, and you want to return to the day before so badly just to reassure yourself that everything ...
11 comments
`D