June 1, 2024
Lately, I have needed more motivation to write a blog. Seriously, I can't write a single word. Allow me to tell you about it. There are no words to use to be witty, creative, or helpful; l have nothing to say. It pains me that I have typed out this much so far. Tap, tap, tap on my keyboard. I stretch out a string of words to create enough sentences for a useful paragraph. I'm writing aimlessly, hoping to have something tangible to publish, something inspirational, informative, or funny. I don't know why I do not feel like being vocal about this or that. I just don't want to write—no offense to those who write daily. Pen to paper, fingers to keyboard, or, in this case, standing naked beside the shower while steam from the hot water attaches itself to the glass of my phone as I mash out this note on my iPhone's notepad.
I thought about what to write all month and couldn't figure it out. I'd like to write about my trip to the Dominican Republic or Europe again. How about re-describing the beautiful sunrise I witnessed while driving to work the other day? The sun breaks the earth's horizon over the Atlantic Ocean like it's climbing out of the sea. The bright orange ball begins to illuminate the blue sky with orange hues. It was breathtaking to witness a wonder of magnificence no matter how many times I've seen it. No, I have no motivation to tell you all about that.
All my strength, emotion, and feelings rolled up inside me have bubbled and can now be seen from my normally stoic exterior. The stress in my face allows many people to read me. Man, the fact that people can see it written all over my face causes me stress. The emotional bubble begs me to pop it so the negativity can spill out of me. To transcribe it in a Word doc and publish it! It will allow my stress to be replaced by happiness, and I can start fresh again. But once the anger and anxiety rear their ugly heads, they can espouse themselves, free flowing in my opinions and written in this blog, full of ranting and complaining about whatever has me so worked up. Whether it is my kids, marriage, or work. Sometimes, the weight of all three can be overwhelming and create a controlling environment that makes me feel like I cannot do anything for myself. But I'm not in a vulnerable place mentally or motivated enough to rant at you at the moment. I will anchor this emotion until a better time to release it.
If I had the inclination to make a change in life with an essay I was writing, I would first begin to say that I worry about my kids living in the world during these turbulent times. There is concern about the environment and financial growth for their future. Of course, I'm juggling money around like I did yesterday or today, and probably will tomorrow, like a card hustler on a New York street corner. What will their financial future hold? There is so much to consider in today's world. It is better to zone out and fantasize about good things, like candy factories and furry animals.
I really wish I was in the mood to blog my thoughts. I want to tell you everything that is going on inside my mind. It should be refreshing to say all this in my latest blog post. My trips, needs, and wants. But not in this blog. No, not today. I will tell this story soon enough though. But this lack of motivation to write is killing me.
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