July 31, 2022
I suppressed the trauma that occurred a decade ago by avoiding my thoughts of the incidents in my desire to feel normal again. If you think avoiding it was good to move forward, let's see who would want to be like me.
Over the last 10 years, I have been going about my daily life as though nothing wrong had happened. Isn't that ridiculous? To assume I could just forget about being human? I mean, I got to the point where I would talk about my past trauma to people, and I was proud of myself because I thought I was a strong person for doing it.
Self-thought- "Look at me, this badass cop moving on with his life after losing 2 kids and then my wife, nothing to see here."
These traumatic incidents weren't a small thing, but I didn't think I was deserving of such pity, so I underplayed it. The first trauma I experienced was never addressed, and the 2nd trauma took 2 years of my life away because I couldn't deal with the future, so I paused my past. I struggled to cope with the bad hand I had been dealt but felt undeserving of being helped because I thought other people were more deserving than me.
Man, I mentally beat myself up.
The fear, anxiety, and sadness of not being able to control my fate in those traumatic times took its toll on me and whittled me down into nothing. How foolish to think I could simply throw human emotion aside.
There is nothing to see here.
There was guilt, anger, frustration, bouts and bouts of extreme sadness during my era of trauma.
Eh, moving on, right?
God, what an awful experience it was over those years back in 2006 and 2012. I thought I had worked it out and understood what I went through, but now it seems I didn't beat anything. During that period, I had enough and was desperate, near my wits end, to feel normal again, so I rushed the process of coping. I put my guard up, forgone victimhood, and beat my emotions into submission for me to climb out of my hole and feel somewhat normal again. But in reality, all that work I did for myself was to fight this trauma, not heal. I wanted to beat this beast, to knock the hell out of it, so I could live a functional life by forgetting the profound aspects of the incidents. But now it seems as if that struggle to hide was all bullshit. Recently, I exposed my charade to myself and realized I had forgone my counseling to place my emotions on pause to suppress my thoughts and ignore my pain, and the peace I obtained was only temporary. I hid behind my mask by burying myself in work, school, and kids.
I did what I had to do to move forward and survive. I couldn't live that way and yearned for normalcy. The struggle back then was real, so wouldn't you rather bury it than face it?
I didn't expect that 10 years later, that emotional cap would be ripped off, allowing the demons to rear its ugly head. How could this be, though? I beat my emotions, so I thought. I moved on, didn't I? I rebuilt my life. Isn't this evident?
How could this range of emotions happen to me yet again? Well, read above again, and you'll know.
But what happens when that emotional band-aid is ripped off?
Fast forward to 2022, and one police call would tap into my mind and unleash those emotions like a well-shaken carbonated soda.
I responded to a frantic 9-1-1 call. A family was in a crisis. They were in the middle of losing their child; they hadn't known it yet, and CPR was being performed. He was a little boy, a toddler, living his best life that was tragically coming to an end in a horrible accident. And I responded to it. Although the circumstances of this family's life differed from mine, I could see our emotions were headed on a paralleled path, and I understood what would happen to them. It's a hell of a thing to witness a family's undoing in real-time. The emotion in the air smelled familiar, and it activated me internally.
Why, 10 freaking years later?!
I was professional and did what I was expected to do for the family and child, but it was breaking me inside. And continues to hurt me now. But why? I don't know them. It has nothing to do with my situation or current life. Didn't I beat my trauma? Besides, I don't get involved like this. I teach this to recruits how to understand emotion. I stress to new officers to empathize and don't sympathize. It's for one's own mental health. And yet, I'm drawn in. I want out of it. I want to escape. It's easier to read the headline and scroll past it than to be knee-deep.
But here I am, being the professional. Doing my job. Along with so many other incredible men and women on this chaotic scene rooting for him to breathe. I want him to survive. I have a little boy his age. And I know that it's not going to happen for them.
The worst fears were met. Their little boy won't return. I hope they grieve. I hope they work it out and learn to cope. Don't suppress it like me. Don't hide it like me. Live it so you can control it, and you'll never have to face that horrible moment again when you least expect it. Don't be like me.
946 words
**National Drowning Prevention
https://ndpa.org/
Mental Health Counseling
** https://www.counseling.org/knowledge-center/mental-health-resources/counselingawarenessmonth
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