Friday, April 30, 2021

Redlining My Thoughts on My Way Home

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The boys the day before Easter April 4, 2021. 
April 30, 2021

    Don’t you ever wish you could retract negative words that came out of your mouth?  Especially when those words served no other purpose then to hurt that person you hurled them towards.  Then after those words have been said, you wish the person would forget you had ever uttered them? Yea, that guy full of regret would be me.

    While driving home in my car down this stretch of roadway, my mind wanders through the things that I have said to people in the past that I now wish I hadn’t.  These thoughts are redlining my brain on my way home.  I wish they would subside.  Hopefully this blog will help future thoughts.  But, probably not.

    Those hurtful words I talk about came out from my forked tongue that had an agenda to hurt the feelings of another person. I understand we are humans and we say things that we don’t mean or wish we could take back. But those facts do not hold back my thoughts.  The needle is redlined. 

    I wish I could just drive straight home and get lost in music like most normal people.  I gotta make it past this last light, around this traffic, over those bridges, and arrive to my house.  Only then it seems I can forget about the current mind trip.  Ah well, might as well continue the torture by thinking about the structured sentences of words that I chucked like spears without impunity at someone. I guess I deserve it.

    My first thought was when I was a dumb kid and found this watch. My grandmother took it from me. Held on to it. And refused to give it back. Out of anger I said I’ll get it back when you’re gone. Such an ugly sentence to put in my blog, but I said it, gotta own it. I loved my dads mother. My grandmother. I told her that many times. She was a difficult woman but doesn’t mean that the thought of that sentence as I sit in my car doesn’t make me cringe. Ironically, my son Blake was born on the same day she was born. My thoughts of her will always be of good nature considering we will celebrate his special day as long as I’m alive.

    Now back to the scene in my car.  Even when the traffic light turns green and I proceed to turn west and then gas it to 70 MPH down this long stretch of roadway. my mind will be determine to torture me even further.

    The thought leads me to my middle school gym class.  My good friend was playing basketball on a different court from mine. Their ball rolled onto the court I was playing on and the guys in my group played “keep away” from him. When the ball was thrown to me, Mikal looked at me, extended his arms and said, “please Chris, give me the ball.” I did not, I said “Bobby, catch!” My actions spoke louder than any words. I tossed that damn basketball toward the other guy. That moment stuck with me for awhile. I can even picture his face as he asked. Years later I saw him at the gym. I actually apologized to him. He was taken a back. Even though I made it right, I wish I was a better person in that moment. Used words like “absolutely” “take the ball” or at the very least, “here.”

    Traffic is heavier on this road. Like my thoughts. I wish the traffic flow would usher me passed these 3 traffic lights that impeded my travel home. But no, I didn’t make this first light. This is a domino effect that will cause me to hit the last 2.

    Lastly, I’ve had words at work with other employees. I’m sure I said things that reflected bad on their careers. Only film and television critics get to enjoy that freedom. Obviously, I’m not a film critic but their words are no less harmful than my words which criticized other people life work. As the better person, which I was told I would be if I did say sorry, I did apologize to them. But again, once those words are out. There’s no bringing them back. Some people don’t forgive or forget.

    This torture is almost over. I’m at the red light right before the entrance of my neighborhood. One last shot at my thought process on this highway through hell, that is my mind.

    Once, in a grocery store peeling back corn ears. I said, “Thank God I picked my corn before you peeled them all back.” When I got home and shucked my corn, some were not developed. My wife asked, “didn’t you peel the husk back to make sure it was good quality?” Yes, I feel dumb till this very day.  

    I guide my car through the gate, over the speed humps, past the beautiful tree lined street, past my development sign, I turn around the bend and stop at my house. The thoughts simply linger until the sight of my kids on their bikes jolys me out of my trance. I sit here in silence. Watching my boys play with each other. They’re in a good mood it seems. Love seeing those boys on their bikes.

    Words hurt but as long as I grow as a human being and learn my lesson then these thoughts shouldn't be a life sentence.  So be free, Chris.   Exercise those thoughts from your mind and focus on the next words that come out of your mouth. This way there will be no regrets.  Those words should live forever and the other words, from my past, will finally be cast away, “Hi, kids. I’m home. Go get mommy. I missed you all and I love you guys.”

I'm home and off red.

  Blake (far) and Max (near) freaking out over abuela. April 17, 2021.


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