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Redlining My Thoughts into the Green Zone

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The boys the day before Easter April 4, 2021. 
 
April 30, 2021


Don't you ever wish you could retract negative words from your mouth? Mainly when those words served no purpose but to hurt the person you hurled them towards. Then, after those words have been said, do you wish the person would forget you had uttered them? Yeah, that guy full of regret would be me.

   While driving home in my car down this stretch of roadway, my mind wanders through the things that I have said to people in the past that I now wish I hadn't. These thoughts are redlining my brain on my way home. I hope they will subside. This blog will help future thoughts. But probably not.

   Those hurtful words I talk about came out from my forked tongue that had an agenda to hurt the feelings of another person. I understand we are humans, and we say things that we don't mean or wish we could take back. But those facts do not hold back my thoughts. The needle is redlined. 

   Like most normal people, I wish I could drive home and get lost in music. I gotta pass this last light, around this traffic, over those bridges, and arrive at my house. Only then can I forget about the current mind trip. Ah well, might as well continue the torture by thinking about the structured sentences of words that I chucked like spears without impunity at someone. I deserve it.

  My first thought was when I was a dumb kid and found this watch. My grandmother took it from me. Held on to it. And refused to give it back. I said I'd return it out of anger when you're gone. Such an ugly sentence to put in my blog, but I said it; gotta own it. I loved my dad's mother. My grandmother. I told her that many times. She was a complex woman, but that doesn't mean that the thought of that sentence as I sit in my car doesn't make me cringe. Ironically, my son Blake was born on the same day she was born. My thoughts of her will always be of good nature, considering we will celebrate his special day as long as I'm alive.

  Now, back to the scene in my car. Even when the traffic light turns green, I turn west and gas it at 70 MPH down this long stretch of roadway. My mind will be determined to torture me even further.

  The thought led me to my middle school gym class. My good friend was playing basketball on a different court from mine. Their ball rolled onto the court I was playing on, and the guys in my group played "keep away" from him. When the ball was thrown at me, Mikal looked at me, extended his arms, and said, "Please, Chris, give me the ball." I did not; I said, "Bobby, catch!" My actions spoke louder than any words. I tossed that damn basketball toward the other guy. That moment stuck with me for a while. I can even picture his face as he asked. Years later, I saw him at the gym. I actually apologized to him. He was taken aback. Even though I made it right, I wish I was a better person at that moment. Used words like "absolutely," "take the ball," or, at the very least, "here."

   Traffic is heavier on this road than I thought. I wish the traffic flow would usher me past these 3 traffic lights that impeded my travel home. But no, I didn't make this first light. This domino effect will cause me to hit the last 2.

  Lastly, I've had words at work with other employees. I'm sure I said things that reflected poorly on their careers. Only film and television critics get to enjoy that freedom. I'm not a film critic, but their words are no less harmful than mine, criticizing other people's work. As the better person, which I was told I would be if I did say sorry, I did apologize to them. But again, once those words are out. There's no bringing them back. Some people don't forgive or forget.

   This torture is almost over. I'm at the red light right before the entrance of my neighborhood. One last shot at my thought process on this highway through hell that is my mind.

   Once, in a grocery store, peeling back corn ears. I said, "Thank God I picked my corn before you peeled them all back." When I got home and shucked my corn, some were not developed. My wife asked, "Didn't you peel the husk back to ensure it was good quality?" Yes, I feel dumb to this very day.  

   I guide my car through the gate, over the speed humps, past the beautiful tree-lined street, past my development sign; I turn around the bend and stop at my house. The thoughts simply linger until the sight of my kids on their bikes jolts me out of my trance. I sit here in silence to take in the moment that never gets old; watching my boys play with each other is so carefree. They're in a good mood. Love seeing those boys on their bikes.

   Words hurt, but as long as I grow as a human being and learn my lesson, then these thoughts shouldn't be a life sentence. So be free, Chris. Exercise those thoughts from your mind and focus on the words that come out of your mouth. This way, there will be no regrets. Those words should live forever, and the other words from my past will finally be cast away, "Hi, kids. I'm home. Go get mommy. I missed you all, and I love you guys."

I'm home and off red the redline and the green zone.


  Blake (far) and Max (near) freaking out over abuela. April 17, 2021.

962 words

 





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