The Adventures of Captain Imperfecto : Undefeated

Tuesday, March 8, 2016

Undefeated

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Nico (right) with his little brother Christopher celebrating his Leap Year birthday at school.

March 8, 2016

I feel defeated when a project I’m working on fails or just something I really wanted didn’t go my way. And what sucks is, once that defeat gets rolling, I can feel defeated about everything going on in my life, that day, and beyond.

When this feeling occurs I get on myself for not accomplishing what I set out to do. And the defeat for this day doesn’t stop nagging me but continues for everything else that occurs there after. And, of course I make it worse because all those bad things that occur there after are over analyzed causing it to be magnified 100 million percent!

Which of course is overwhelming on my mental status because I spend the day trying to renationalize my emotions and feelings which then consumes my thought process, which then takes way from my concentration, and then my focus stops on my project at hand, which then causes others to be affected, and then they get mad at me, and then, in turn, I will get mad at them for their lack of awareness of realizing that I have been defeated so they fail to see I’m having a bad day and unintentionally I blame them for being the ones rubbing it in, so thus, it is THEIR fault for my shitty day!

Whew.

The only bright side to this defeat is that now I can control those emotions and this feeling doe not stay long. Damn, my life is a lot of work. In the past I allowed the comments, failures, bad comments, emotions, anger, people yelling at me, stupid things I said or did, stupide things THEY did or say, to linger. Where it would bleed into my other relationships and affect the ones I love. So, I press on when the feeling of defeat sets into my emotions. I contemplate why I allowed the defeat to set-in-motion, the feeling that will attack my psyche far longer than it should have.

I stub my toe, F*cking defeat. I can get a lid of a container without breaking the crap out of the rest of the container. F*cking defeat. The cork in my wine bottle falls apart as I’m uncorking it. F*cking defeat! I burnt my food. F*CKING DEFEAT.

I’m not crazy, just emotional. Which actually is a good thing because I can write to you what is going on. Don’t judge me. Seriously I’m who I am and I can’t change that. I can feel you are judging me while reading this sentence. I didn’t ask your opinion. I’m just feeling a little defeated right now so I’m allowing the defeat to flow out through words. Really, stop it. Don’t judge. Okay, I’m blaming you, the reader, for this rant!

I’ll get over it. I have to. Because I won’t be defeated any longer due to one bad thing that morphs into a series of bad things which makes it a bad day. In fact I choose to be undefeated. Undefeated is better because I allowed myself to brush off the things that caused my day to feel like it’s gone awry. I can’t control what others do or what forces of nature causes to occur. I can only control what this moment represents for me. Which it can only represent what my mind tells me to feel. So I choose the defeat to represent: a fluffy puppy that is running round my living room, playing and tripping over everything and being goofy. My problems are shedding away. My mind is allowing me to feel this way because I'm controlling my emotions to tell my mind that life is okay. I’m undefeated.