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Silver Lining Forward

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Nico and Christopher in daddy's writing chair

November 13, 2014

I glance into the heavily clouded sky and through the darkness and lighted ferocity of rumbling thunder and bolts of lighting I saw a sliver of light peering through the center of the clouds just above the western horizon. I immediately thought that that sliver of light was an omen, a silver lining, that was laid out before me as if it was a sign informing me that things that happen in life won’t control me. That at the end of the day, no matter what happened earlier in the day, there will be life tomorrow and things will be okay.

But, as soon as the good thoughts enter my brain through the left hemisphere my right side hemisphere floods my brains, emotions and feelings, with negative thoughts.

“I live in Florida so the sun breaking through a cloudy day isn’t unusual. And the message I was hoping for from this sighting wasn’t unusual either. And neither was the hope I felt resonating in my bones. I still find myself hoping that after the loss of two daughters and wife that all this loss will make sense. That this sighting of light is better than the other silver of lights because deep down I really want this to mean more however, in the end, the sight of that light is just full of shit. My problems are my problems. For better or for worse I’m fucking married to them.”

Damn, is that negative. But I don’t want to be negative. I want to believe that all the things, as if tools, handed to me in my life, are just pieces of a puzzle that will later formulate the bigger picture of what my meaning in life is suppose to be.

Its as if I’m on a mission to be accepted. And that acceptance will validate my existence. Does everyone chase this? That we just search for a group of people that will accept us and by accepting us, as a person, would mean that we have found our home?

I don’t want to join organizations; I don’t want to seek out support groups I can barely balance out the people in my life now. What a freaking disaster. I don’t want to be spending my life seeking acceptance. That’s not the meaning of life. 

All of us have something to offer the world and we can’t waste that talent. We need to believe in signs, like the silver lining, because it is that hope that things will be better, this thinking, that will keep us moving forward.

So stand up and announce to everyone: I had a bad day today. And life, well life really screwed me over, (insert your friend, job, family member, pet, god, whoever here) got the best of me and I didn’t expect that. But I will not lay here and feel sorry for myself. I will get up and walk over your bullshit, my heartache, my loss, my hurt feelings, my woes, money problems, anything that makes me unhappy and I’ll head west because that is where my silver lining is. It’s there, with or without you, that I choose to move forward because there is life tomorrow and life will move forward without me and no one will help me but myself. I need to move forward, to keep up. I need to believe there is a purpose for me today or tomorrow. My life has matter and I’m on my journey to discover just what that is. There is a silver lining forward.
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