I used to be in good physical shape. However, now, after one short year after my wife's death, I just struggle to keep my energy level high enough to tend to my 3 and 5-year-old boys. I just can't get motivated to return to a gym to improve those energy levels.
Before my wife died, no one could keep me out from the inside of a gym. Cardio and free weights were my stress relief. And now you'd think I'd want to lift those weights again since I've been so stressed out lately, but I don't.
Working out my body was my outlet for feeling better about myself. Don't we all strive to feel better about ourselves? But the hours I had to go to the 24-hour gym were grueling. But I went so I could be consistent with my body. And yet, I never had to search as hard as I do for the need to get back in the sweatbox until now. I'm either too lazy or just over-tired. I choose the ladder.
Pre-my wife's death, after a grueling 12-hour-plus day working the mean streets of my city as a police officer, I would go home after 7 o'clock and meet the family. I would still be high-strung and highly stressed from the day's events of the police radio blaring. People yelling. My administration complaining. My team bitching, etc..
By the time I would walk inside the house at 7 o'clock time (if I was lucky). My wife would have the boys fed, and they'd be ready for bed by 7:30 P.M. I'd get in trouble for riling the kids up by overplaying with them before bedtime, but I had to take the risk.
I guess now, in hindsight, after raising my boys after my wife's death, throwing the boys around playfully and getting their adrenaline up isn't the best option right before bed!
After the boys were in bed, I would stay up with my wife and chat about the day before. I would head out to the gym from around 1030 P.M. until midnight. Then I would head home, shower, get in bed by 1 A.M., and then get right up at the sound of my alarm clock for work at 6 A.M. to be there by 7 A.M.
Today, however, those days are long gone. I just want to rest. I use every excuse not to go to that damn gym. Not that I don't have good intentions to go, mind you. I paid for my 2-year membership in cashback in February of 2013, and a monthly charge of 24.99 comes from my bank account for child care for the in-house daycare at the gym.
But suppose you compile my lack of motivation with eating crappy food and the simple fact of not caring how I have been looking. In that case, this lack of interest in all that molds a body provides a perfect storm of a feeling of blah, which is showing in my outer physical body and lack of energy in my inner body.
Am I being too hard on myself? I mean, after all, I am still grieving. I work full-time and care for my boys on my days off, with nights and weekends, so I am a full-time daddy. With all this going on, why can't I look for comfort in a McDonald's Big Mac?
It's so tempting!
"Two all beef patties" (so, its gotta be valid if they write in their own jingle)
"Special sauce (who cares if I hate Thousand Island dressing), lettuce cheese, pickles, onions on a sesame seed bun."
I have found comfort already just by typing that phrase out. My next adventure will be to search for that Big Mac rather than fighting the traffic to get to my gym.
Somewhere lies the man that I was once outwardly because inwardly, I am the man I always was. I need to find the motivation and energy to attack my lack of urgency when it comes to being a healthy person. And that starts by eating better and giving a shit more about my physical body appearance other than wondering if that Big Mac is truly an all-beef patty.
The fight within me continues, and my rational side will head back into the gym so I may become what I once was.
Way behind on reading all the blogs I follow. I know I don't normally comment, but I had to here. You also need to factor in all your life stresses into the lack of energy. The losses you've suffered the last few years on top of raising your boys on your own while working an incredibly stressful job (physically, mentally, and emotionally). Stress plays a HUGE part of our energy levels and no matter how much we are told we need to exercise (or want to), if the energy isn't there, there is no way to create it out of thin air.
ReplyDeleteI say this as someone who was coming home from work and crashing on the sofa unintentionally because my stress levels were so high that it was taxing my adrenals and putting me in a constant state of fatigue. Take care of YOURSELF, even if you do indulge in a Big Mac here and there (you can have one for me, too). :D