The American holiday Thanksgiving (and a few other countries as well) is upon us. A day that was once celebrated by prayer, fasting, or a great feast to celebrate a good harvest has now turned into a meal that brings everyone together so that we can enjoy the company of family and friends we rarely see.
Many people celebrate Thanksgiving by reflecting on the year that has passed too quickly. They talk about being thankful for good health and happy for what they have obtained throughout their lives. But for some, it's just another reminder of an emptiness within our hearts.
For me and others who lost loved ones this year, these first holidays without them are the most difficult. And the years following this year will never get 100 percent better. For most, Thanksgiving kicks off the holiday season and is the first family holiday where you realize you are alone because most people at the house you're visiting to eat a thankful meal don't think about it anymore. Or the sadness you still harbor continues to linger, and your family and friends don't understand the continued grief. Other people have simply moved on and don't realize that Thanksgiving will never be the same for you. So, amid their ignorance of your emptiness, you just smile and laugh, but deep down, you know it's not the same.
But the reality is when the wind gets knocked out of you, like a death punch that strikes you, you are so weak-kneed you can only wish to stand on your own two feet again. I hope that that wish will be granted and the genie can point to the sound and reason for all this sadness.
The fall to your knees blinded you because the blood escapes your brain and drains from your broken heart. The darkness that shrouds your mind leaves everything else around you irrelevant. You reach out for a hand, but you're out of breath and are too weak to extend it far enough for help.
As the wind escapes your diaphragm. The weight of death throws your torso to the ground while the rest of your body is bent at the knees. You're too weak to sit up, so you just flatten yourself out and lay there. Your face has its lips to the ground as the heavy breathing pushes the dirt and small pieces of rock outwards. The asphalt acts as a barrier to your breath and pushes your moist air back at your facial skin as you lie there like a fish out of water.
All the areas where your body can store air are open and escaping into the atmosphere. You gasp for the little oxygen that is remaining, trying to force it back into your body to eliminate the feeling of drowning. You then have to choose to either lay there and die or fight to regain yourself so that you can live again. The goal is to stand like so many before you and march on. This is your moment, but it doesn't have to be done simultaneously.
In this first year of loss, it's okay to lay there; however, you just can't let the moment pass you by when it arrives. You have to attach yourself to whatever good is left in the destruction in your heart. For me, it was my two beautiful boys that I grabbed onto and who helped me up, and yet, they are too young to realize that now and too little to know how important they are to me. I may be raising them in this time of their life, but they raised me in my time of need.
As I breathe again, I am thankful for them in my life.
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